So I ask you:
What the hell am I doing drinking in L.A. at 26?
-- Bran Van 3000, Drinking in L.A.

It seems a little odd to be writing this, seeing as how I've been 26 for only a few minutes now, yet there's a drink in my hand and I'm in L.A. Somehow, I never thought I'd actually be here in Los Angeles when I turned 26... never thought I'd be able to listen to this song and actually be drinking in L.A. at 26. So much has happened in the past year, my life's really been turned upside down and back again. Being here in this city and doing what I'm doing for a living just seemed like a pipe dream, like a possibility that I'd considered but never thought it would ever actually come to pass.

And now, I guess I have to look ahead to the next phase of my life. Time to start crossing those things off my List of Things To Accomplish Before I Kick Off. Time to live life here in L.A.

Happy birthday to me.

- I'm getting old. OLD, I say.
- Unless you're a leper, you won't melt in the rain. I promise.
- Geeks are only attractive to women on TV and in movies. Drop-dead gorgeous cool women don't go for geeks in real life.
- Don't you just hate it when someone deflates you? It's damned annoying when you're up on your high horse, feeling you're in the right, and some random person just comes along and makes you realize that maybe it's time to climb down.
- There's a better-than-average chance that I will never understand the appeal of Puddle of Mudd. (Or, as my friend Matt likes to call them, Muddle of Pudd.)
- I am apparently not as powerful as I had previously believed myself to be. Additionally, I wore my shitkickers (a.k.a. my Timberland boots) to work today with the intention of kicking some shit, but alas -- there was none to be kicked.
- Christmas: brought to you this year by the Pentaverate. Yes, that mythical group of corporations who rule the world that Mike Myers postulated in So I Married An Axe Murderer really does exist. Except I think it's made up of Microsoft, Clear Channel, Disney, Starbucks and MTV.
- There's something inherently romantic about listening to the rain fall while lying in a bed outfitted with cotton flannel sheets. Too bad there's no one around to share in the romance.
- When a comedian has to rely strictly on parody and imitation material or characters from a popular variety show that he stars in to get laughs, he's not funny. Hence the reason why I think Jimmy Fallon's not going to go anywhere anytime soon. I saw Kevin Nealon do standup once, and he wasn't funny either. He did too many SNL-related jokes.
- However, even after 20 years, Bill Cosby's comedy movie Bill Cosby: Himself is still hysterical. Can I have some chocolate cake?...
- Christmastime in the office is all about the Swiss Colony Beef Log packages. All those cheeses and meats...
- We'd probably all be better off if Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush were locked in a room and had a knock-down, drag-out pillow fight to settle their grievances.

When you're standing in front of your sink holding your toothbrush, and you're looking over and cataloguing all the spreadable substances on the counter because you've forgotten what you normally put on the toothbrush to brush your teeth (or even what it's called) because your brain is sleep-fogged to the point of not even being able to run on autopilot, that's when you know it's time to pack it in and call it a day. Even if it is only 10am.

Hair gel? No, that's pink, the stuff I'm looking for is blue... Listerine? No, that's blue also, but it's liquid... Shaving gel? No, it's initially green and it becomes too foamy...

For once, my horoscope's pretty dead on correct. This is in stark contrast to yesterday's, which told me I'd have great relationships with men all day. Not exactly the kind of thing I wanted to hear.

Sagittarius: Rest and solitude are going to seem very attractive right now, dear Sagittarius. Visitors who come to your home today might expect a sympathetic ear and perhaps a favor or two, and you won't feel much like giving them what they want. They've had a rough time of it lately, but so have you, and you're probably just going to want to stay home and rest. Nonetheless, give them a little of your time and energy. You might regret it later if you don't.

And now, another in the series of my personal edition of "What I've Learned" à la Esquire magazine.

- Homer Simpson may be the most brilliant man on the face of the earth.
- Jews know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. While you're all in church and unwrapping your presents on Christmas Day, we're chowing down on lo mein and catching a matinée.
- The problem isn't people going too fast on the highways, it's people going too slow. Most of us who drive 80 on the highway know what we're doing and we're safe drivers. It's the losers who are in the left lane and doing 1 mile over the speed limit who are slowing everyone down. If we were allowed to speed reasonably, rush hour might go a little more smoothly.
- Paranoia and egocentrism is a bad combination. It means I think you're probably talking about me. And if you're not, you should be.
- PETA is usually off chasing the wrong problem. It makes it even easier to make fun of them.
- Things are funnier when you give them titles using capital letters. Like the most annoying person in the world just looks better as the Most Annoying Person in the World.
- White chocolate is not real chocolate.
- I hate those damn cell phone commercials because every time a phone rings on TV, I go running for mine because I think someone's calling me.
- There's just something inherently wrong about turducken.
- Orlando Jones is an underrated actor, and the best TV shows always get cancelled too early.
- Nick Hornby was right. You always have to punch your weight, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.
- A good sense of humor is essential. Being around people who have a similar sense of humor as you and who can crack you up can get you out of any funk, no matter how deep it is.
- There is wisdom in song lyrics.
- No matter what any Boston Red Sox fan tells you, this year isn't the year.

To shave, or to go to work scruffy? It's the Christmas break, we've put together our last issue until the new year, people are leaving on vacation and I really don't feel like shaving... but, on the other hand, I probably should wait until next week to start looking like a schlub, because even less people will be in the office then.

They told me this week was supposed to be quiet. Nothing happens before Christmas. And on top of it all, my birthday was sneaking up on me. I was totally unaware that my world would be rocked not once, but twice this week, and in the two main parts of my life: professionally and socially.

Professionally, I'm fairly apprehensive about this promotion. I think it's going to be a lot of work, I think it's going to be trial by fire, I'm not even sure the Powers That Be at work have a plan laid out, and if I screw up, there's going to be a lot of eyes watching both in my company and in the entire industry. They're putting a lot of faith in me, and while I appreciate it and I wanted to move up, I'm literally being thrown into the fray.

Socially, I'm still in shock over the blow that was dealt to me tonight. I came home from work after the usual 14-hour Tuesday and began chatting online with my best friend. One thing led to another somehow, and we plunged into a discussion about her life as it is at the moment. Specifically, her relationship with this guy she's been involved with has taken a turn for the very serious, and yet she's kept this from me. She says I shouldn't take it personally, that she's a private person and that she's kept it from other people, not just me, but I can't help but take it personally. Someone who I felt very close to was not sharing her life with me, and it felt like a betrayal -- especially since it was all coming at once and this is something that's been building over the past few months, but I had no idea and was -- for the second time in two days -- blindsided.

In the course of things, it came out that her social life is changing. All this time, I had been under the impression that she was busy with her schoolwork (she's getting her MBA) and things would return to normal after she graduated in April and I'd be seeing more of her... but apparently, that's not to be after all.

She says that she's re-evaluating a lot of things, and among them, her social activities. She feels like she wants to spend a lot of time with this guy, and she's been curtailing her social life with a lot of people as well. She no longer does a lot of the things she used to. And since he's not too keen on going out and meeting people, she's not dragging him along to meet her friends, and since she wants to spend time with him, she's just being with him. She's been distancing herself from me and her other friends for a little while now, and while I noticed it, I was led to believe it was mostly due to her overwhelming amount of schoolwork, which reinforced to me my belief that once April rolled around and she graduated, we'd be spending more time together again.

The final blow came when she revealed that since she would feel a little uncomfortable if he hung out with female friends, she feels it's only fair not to put herself in too many social situations where she's hanging out with her male friends. Being that I'm male, this poses an additional roadblock. She had mentioned that we hadn't seen each other much because she's been short on cash and I told her that cash didn't matter, that I just enjoyed spending time with her even if it was as simple as me hauling my DVD player over to her place and watching a movie, and she leveled me with the news that since she didn't feel comfortable with her boyfriend hanging out with female friends, she felt it wouldn't be right for me to come over and hang out at her place or she at mine anymore either.

This is someone I've known for almost ten years now. She is one of the people -- if not the person -- I am closest to on this entire planet. She's been my trusted consigliere for years. And now, this sudden news that not only am I going to be seeing her less, but that our friendship is being redefined.

I should feel happy for her that she's found this guy that she's so happy to be with. It happens so rarely these days that I celebrate it whenever it takes place. But I'm trying very hard not to feel selfish when I think of how alone I suddenly feel. And how betrayed I feel by the fact that she was keeping all of this from me. I feel like my confidence in how she views our friendship is shaken to the core, and I feel like I've lost someone very close to me. Despite her apologies and her statements that she was keeping this from a lot of people and she's gone through this same situation with a couple of her other close friends so it wasn't personal and especially not towards me... I still feel shaken and betrayed and very, very alone. Hell, if I were going through this situation involving anyone else, she would be the person that I would go talk to about it, but the fact that it's her makes it doubly hard because now I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it.

I find it hard to lay blame on anyone; this is not a situation where blame could be involved. As someone who I care about, I want her to be as happy as possible, and if that means spending time with her boyfriend, I can't deny her that. As much as I am furious with her for not keeping me up to speed on the situation earlier, which might have made the blow a little more easy on me had it come gradually, I know she's a private person and needs to work out stuff in her own head before she brings it up to others and that's just the way she is.

I just feel like I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I'm sorry to repeat myself, but my world was rocked tonight, and not at all in a good way. I guess this is one of those times when you find out how much you really can depend on yourself to be self-sustainable without crumbling.

Now that I know what I'm without,
You can't just leave me.
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life.

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark.
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone.
Save me from the nothing I've become.

-- Evanescence, "Bring Me To Life"

When I make a suggestion to a nationwide corporation and they implement my suggestion within 24 hours, that's both way cool and a huge power trip for me.

That's not to say that I'm turning into a diva. I've never understood how people suddenly get famous and turn into abject greedy bitches. We all know the story about how "Jenny from the block" isn't really just from the block anymore and is completely dissing her friends from her old 'hood back in the Bronx in favor of her new chic lifestyle. A friend of mine told me that Nelly Furtado turned into a couple diva, demanding all kinds of things, after only a single tour. Puff Diddly pulled that stupid "do not disturb the sexy" thing with his post-Grammy party and required that all of his guests wear his line of clothing. And there's always those other way-out-there requests that we see on The Smoking Gun.

I would hope -- for both my sake and also for the sake of my parents, because my behavior reflects on how they raised me -- that I would never turn into a bitchy and demanding diva, no matter how famous or how rich I became.

So, I should probably put up another FAQ since I haven't put up the old one since the redesign & relaunch. But I'm feeling uncreative, so why not send me all the questions of things you always wanted to know about me but just never got around to asking? E-mail them to me or leave them in the comments of this entry. I'll answer.

By the way, did I mention my birthday is this Saturday? Hint hint. No Ryan Seacrest-related materials, please.

I am three days older than Ryan Seacrest. And, to quote Robert Frost, that has made all the difference.

I'm getting promoted as of the end of the year. I have misgivings. I'm not sure it's the direction I want to move towards, and I'm basically taking over someone else's responsibilities because he's being laid off. I think it'll involve a ton of additional work and not a lot more money. My boss says that it's a steppingstone and it'll get me much more involved, plus it'll make me a little more indispensible to the company -- and with this climate right now, that's definitely a good thing. I'm still a bit in shock. I just hope I don't get pigeonholed into this one thing.

Speaking of climate, it's pouring outside. I miss the rain, and I'm glad we're getting some, even if it means I become a bit of a hermit and stay indoors. My attendance at the gym tonight is up in the air (literally, depending on the rain), but I probably should go since we're ordering in a pizza for lunch. What I wouldn't give to be curled up in bed right now at home, watching TV and eating several grilled cheese sandwiches. Blame Eve, she put the idea in my head. However, I will recommend that if you want grilled cheese sandwiches, using a George Foreman Grill is a quick and easy way to make them. They taste so good when you make them that way, much better than just toasted cheese sandwiches, and you don't have to coat them in butter to cook them up in a frying pan.

So, Joe Millionaire. Fox's new attempt at taking someone else's reality TV show and putting their own twisted spin on it, where they hook up 20 women with a guy à la The Bachelor -- except they tell the women this poor schnook has $50 million. Except he doesn't, he only makes $19,000 a year.

I'm of two minds about this. The first is that I'd be interested in seeing what happens simply because I'd like to see whether or not these women would go for him after they find out how much he really makes and how they'd react when they find out they've been lied to. On the other hand, I don't find it so funny when people get lied to, especially on national TV. Even though these women could potentially be revealed as money-grubbing wenches if they do completely wig out when they find the millions they thought they'd be marrying into aren't real. Fox has always abandoned pushing the envelope in favor of tearing it apart when dealing with this kind of programming. I mean, these are the same people who gave us Temptation Island.

I sometimes wonder how far reality programming will go. When we finally get Video On Demand and the Homeland Security Act kicks in and all of our houses have cameras and microphones installed to monitor us all, I wonder if the networks will cater to us individually by offering us the chance to see life in the house next door. Highlights at 8:30 on Fox.

Okay, so PETA is suing the California Dairy Farmers for putting all these commercials on TV about the happy cows in California. For those of you reading this from beyond state lines, the tagline is "good milk comes from happy cows, happy cows come from California." PETA is claiming that California cows really aren't happy, they're corralled into overstuffed barns and overmilked and have their calves ripped away from them shortly after birth and are eventually painfully slaughtered.

So, besides the fact that I haven't seen PETA give any of these cows a psychological analysis, I'm still wondering where the rest of their tree-hugging legions are -- they're definitely not hugging the trees. Every year, thousands upon thousands of trees get harvested and cut down for Christmas; they're decorated, used, then thrown out. These trees are living, "breathing" (in a way) creatures, right? So how come the environmentalists -- who go chasing us down every Thanksgiving, begging us to eat tofu instead of turkey -- aren't lambasting us for cutting down the trees?

I sense a double-standard in the environmentalists' world, where animals are meant to be saved, but trees are okay to kill. Me, I want a level playing field. If they're not going to protest the Christmas trees, I want to be able to eat my Thanksgiving turkey in peace without Fiona Apple banging my door down.

Personally, I don't care much about either... if people want to cut down trees for Christmas and kill turkeys for Thanksgiving, that's fine with me. But from what I see in those commercials, those cows seem pretty happy.

Hold the beat
Stop the beat
Drop the beat.

Without sounding too sappy, I have to say that Eve is the coolest. Not only did she give me a Sports Night glass out of her own personal collection, but she made me a bowl out of a Rod Stewart record and gave me a Spock doll, too! I felt like my return gifts of a couple CDs were vastly inadequate.

I had a great night out with her, and Nemesis was pretty cool too... although I still would've liked to have heard Picard yell out, "Ramming speed!" at one particular point in the film.