Brains... melting out... ears... Joe Millionaire is... making my... mind... dissolve... So I'm watching the initial episode (we have a season pass on our TiVo for it). I'm wondering how staged it is in terms of Evan's downhomeliness (if that's even a word) and his sincerity. He sounds honest enough, but there's something there that I'm just not sitting well with. I'm sure there's some sort of creative editing going on behind the scenes. We'll probably find out in 10 months that he's some out-of-work actor waiting tables in L.A. that Fox hired for the show. Keith has another first date on Thursday. I'm really nervous about this one -- I rather like her, I think she's interesting, but I'm wondering how well it'll go. I'm of two minds regarding her recent communiqués with me -- don't know if she's telling me she's a date from hell because she's trying to lower my expectations because she's nervous (it's one of her first times going on a date with someone she met online), or if she's deliberating trying to sabotage things because she's not interested and she's just going out with me because she feels like it's the right thing to do after chatting with me for a while. One of my close friends says I overanalyze everything when it comes to women. Can't you tell?

Keith + laptop + wireless Internet = on patio in 80 degree and sunny weather. It was there that I was sitting in my chair and working on a column for next week's issue when Bridget Moynahan walked by. Supposedly, she's dating a guy who lives in the building next door to mine.

And now, Keith's Mad Libs: The E-mail Edition.

To: Keith
From: friend in New England
Date: 1/5/03, 2:32PM EST
Subject: you [insert expletive here]

you [insert expletive here]ing bastard, i'm up to my [insert body part here] in snow and it's [insert expletive here]ing cold outside. in case you haven't been keeping an eye on our goddamned weather here (and why should you, you [insert expletive here]tard? you're in sunny los angeles with a [insert expletive here]ing convertible), we just got another foot of white [insert expletive here], and i'm freezing my [insert body part (plural) here] off -- both of 'em. hope you're having a great [insert expletive here]ing time out there. bastard.

Remember being in grade school and your teacher had you write a letter to your future self? Remember how we all thought we'd be married and living in our own houses and making the huge sum of $25,000 by the time we were 21?

Well, we're older and wiser now, and we know that we don't have to be married by a particular age -- and for some of us, myself included, 21 was just too young to even consider being married. We know that making $25,000 a year means you're fairly dirt-poor, as much as that amount sounds to a little kid, and that's not even close to what you need to be making in order to afford your own house.

I thought being 23 would be a hard year. There's all those songs about 23 being bad. Incubus says, "A decade ago, I never thought I would be 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion, woe is me." Dave Matthews says, "23 and so tired of life, such a shame to throw it all away." Turned out that for me, 24 was the worst, not 23.

So here I am. Nowhere near where I thought I'd be. And honestly, I'm really okay with that. I'm just taking things day to day, beat to beat and street to street.

Just taking some decompression time right now... work's been a little overwhelming. I'm still alive, I'm still around, and I have my boss's Mitsubishi Eclipse Spyder convertible at my disposal this weekend. Can we say "gorgeous weather"? Can we say "top down"? Can we say "Pacific Coast Highway"? I knew we could.

Saturday
Sunny. Highs in the 70s to lower 80s. Light winds.
Saturday Night
Mostly clear. Lows in the mid to upper 50s. Light winds.
Sunday
Sunny. Highs in the mid 70s to mid 80s.
Sunday Night
Clear. Lows in the mid to upper 50s.
Monday
Sunny. Highs in the mid 70s to mid 80s.

Yeah, I'm gloating. It's okay to hate me for it.

I have this strange thing about me... I always lose weight when I get into a relationship because being around the women I'm interested in makes me a little queasy and nauseous, so I stop eating. It's really odd. I can't explain it, and it sometimes makes for bad experiences because I enjoy being with her, but I'm trying very hard not to throw up. Plus, it makes it look like I don't eat anything because whenever we go out to eat, I hardly put anything down.

So I ate very little at dinner tonight and was worried about keeping the food down so I could make a good impression on her. That's a good thing, right?

So this entire day has sucked. It began with my unvoluntary donation of four vials of blood to my doctor, which made me a little light-headed. Then I got to work and found news breaking all over the place, I didn't get to eat until 2:30 this afternoon, I'm stressed out over all these new duties I've suddenly assumed with my promotion, plus I'm now overdue on a column that I need to write tonight at home.

But before the column, I have a date. Yes, folks, the impossible has happened. Someone actually deigned to go out with me. Now let's see how mentally stable she is.

Given my past history with my Dates From Hell, if I don't post again anytime in the near future, assume the worst and call the LAPD for me, will you? Thanks.

I'm just wondering what studio executive sold his soul to the devil in order to make Kangaroo Jack. Although the year has just begun, I think this can definitely secure a nomination for Year's Worst Film.

How do people come up with pieces o' crap? Well... I mean, I've had my fair share of bad ideas, but at least I didn't try to bring any of them to fruition. (Well, there was that one thing with the Cuisinart and the late-night TV host...) Either way, I still don't understand what makes these guys think that people would actually want to go pay good, hard-earned money to see this film.

Now, Official Fox-TV Airhead Jillian Barberie -- she's inflicted on me for free. At least no one's paying for her. (I could make a whore joke here, but I'll take the high road.)

I was supposed to have New Year's Eve day off from work. So it was with a bit of minor annoyance that I went into work not once, but twice because of some breaking news stories. But it was rewarding in that I'm proving how valuable I am, so they'll think twice about laying me off if they need to lay off more people.

On my way into the office, I actually saw something incredible. The traffic lights were out at a major intersection on Wilshire Boulevard, and my Boston instincts prepared me to sit there for a while because I thought everyone would just be trying to crowd through the intersection without being courteous to anyone else, and I was cursing myself for taking this way to work. Except people were letting each other go. One car from each lane going in one direction would go, then the next cars would wait for the people in the crossing direction would go. It was amazing. I was fully expecting major major gridlock, but it turned out to be passable because everyone was being nice. It blew my mind.

They may not be able to drive in the rain, but at least Southern Californians can drive pretty well during the 350 sunny days of the year.