You are trapped for eternity in Hell. Satan has judged you, and the Dark Beast has sentenced you to be confined to a room until the end of time with only a single CD to be played on repeat over and over and over until the end of time. This CD is: 1. Limp Bizkit 2. Air Supply 3. Muzak reworkings of Creed, but still with Scott Stapp on vocals 4. The album where Pat Boone covered heavy metal songs 5. The soundtrack of Leonard Part 6 Choose your worst nightmare.

For some unknown reason, I've had that song running through my head for the past week or so. And it's not even close to being Christmas! I guess my heathen Jewish mind just kind of lumps all the Christian holidays together. So beginneth my Hell Week. In our already understaffed and overworked department of five, three people will be out of the office on Wednesday and Friday and two will be out on Thursday, leaving me and one other person to be our entire daily news department and gather and report on news, write and put together all of our daily faxes and website updates, edit everything for next week's print issue and all the other stuff we do on a daily basis that is normally handled by five people. Can you see me? Hi, I'm over here bursting with fruit flavor. They say that no one's head has blown up from working here... yet. In the Great Easter Candy Campaign, I have to place my vote with the Cadbury Creme Egg contingent. I love me some Cadbury Creme Eggs, and I don't understand why people don't like them and who don't get the gestalt of the Creme Egg, but over the past few days, I've run into many who don't. I tried being the Easter Bunny by picking up a few extra Eggs and giving them to my co-workers who promptly returned them because they said they didn't like Cadbury Creme Eggs. How scandalous! Well, more for me then. I'm waiting for the Post-Easter Candy Deluge Sale to pick up a few more. Mmmm... Cadbury Creme Eggs... [insert Homer Simpson drooling noise here]

I'm going to just list some random things about me until it becomes too much of an effort to come up with new items. 1. I like dark comedies. It's a taste that I find not too many people share, though I've found over the years that many of my friends also like them. I found this out after I was friends with these people. 2. It takes a lot to get me drunk. A lot. The only problem is that I feel sober until I've downed a lot of liquor, so I keep drinking, then it hits me. 3. I've had a crush on Kathleen Turner for years. 4. I've never been on a cruise. I hope to remedy that soon. 5. I've also never been to Las Vegas, which is extremely odd considering how close I am to it now. I hope to remedy that even sooner. 6. My dream vacation right now, if time or money were not an object, would be as follows: seeing the entire United Kingdom, especially Ireland; then seeing all of Italy; then touring Australia; then going to Hawaii before coming home. 7. Either that, or I'd love to pack up my car and drive around the country for a few months, just going city to city to city. 8. I love flannel. Flannel sheets especially. 9. When I sleep, I sometimes fold the blanket and top sheet underneath me, cocooning myself in them. 10. I grow hair at an incredible rate. I can grow a full beard in a couple of days, and I need a haircut around once every four weeks. I have my hair intentionally cut a little too short so I can grow into it, because otherwise it'll require cutting in three weeks instead. 11. I don't sleep well if I'm not sleeping on a firm mattress. If I sink into the mattress, it means I won't sleep well that night. 12. I'm an elitist when it comes to intelligence. I can't talk to people if they're not moderately intelligent. I mean, what can I talk to them about? I've found that women actually become less attractive to me if they're not smart. 13. I'm one of those people who will reset clocks if they're not accurate. It drives me up a wall when a clock is wrong. I've been known to correct other people's clocks if they're way off. Though I usually ask permission first. 14. Last night, I went up to the bar at the pool hall I was at to order some drinks, and the Eurythmics' "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of These)" was playing. I guess I idly started to play the notes on the bar, because the girl standing next to me looked at me, looked at my hand, looked at me and said, "Do you play piano?" 15. I don't play piano. I wish I'd learned how. 16. I also wish I learned how to play the guitar. 17. I played the trombone for 10 years. I haven't touched it since I graduated from high school. 18. I'm a starch addict. I love breads and pastas and rice and things of that nature. My doctor says I should cut back on them. 19. The fact that embassies are foreign countries' territories on our own soil always has intrigued me. And I love the sign at the U.N. that says "You are now entering international territory." 20. One of my friends once suggested that I become a cab driver because I loved driving so much. 21. Even though I've been seeing a lot of live performances lately, I don't like seeing bands live because I fear being disappointed in them. I hate the fact that some bands might be so studio-produced that they suck live -- as I've seen happen before -- and I almost don't want to lose that magic. 22. I didn't like Moulin Rouge. 23. I'm a sucker for a woman in overalls. 24. Both my grandfathers died when I was 6. I don't remember them much at all. 25. I love the smell of vanilla. I'm tired, and I'm going to bed.

So. Song of the Week. It's by a group called The Shining, which is made up of two guys from The Verve (remember them? "Bittersweet Symphony"? Richard Ashcroft's launching grounds before he went solo?) and a couple other guys, and the song so completely kicks ass. The label was supposed to launch it over the winter, but nothing ever happened, which is sad but yet happens to so many great songs. The Shining - "Quicksilver" I kept my feet on the ground 'Til my ship ran aground Then I soon lost my way As I wandered lonely Like a cloud that could only Drifting through time With no superstition I heeded to vision I reached for the light My head started spinning And voices were singing That filled up the void Hear the noise... I was reminiscing Somebody was listening But this whisper was mine You all know about me Already you doubt me Will I still have a choice? Hear the noise...

Okay, so there's these three nuns. It's not a joke. They decided to take our fearless leader's edict to disarm and get rid of weapons of mass destruction, so they broke into a Minuteman missile silo in North Dakota, pounded on a silo hatch with hammers and painted the sign of the cross on the hatch in their own blood. Then they were discovered by security, who asked them to leave. And then they were arrested. I don't have a problem with the fact that these nuns protested. I don't even have a problem with the way they did it. Here's what I have a problem with: These three nuns managed to break into a high-security military facility where they have thermonuclear weapons!!! We're all worried about homeland security, we're all freaking out because terrorists could be hiding bombs in our cities, and we can't even keep our own damn military bases safe? What's the deal there? Who knows, maybe some terrorists could waltz onto a military compound and liberate some of our weapons or something. I mean, at this rate, I half expect to see Girl Scouts being able to get into the Pentagon's most sensitive areas to sell their Thin Mints. Feeling safe? Feeling secure in the knowledge that our government and military are keeping us sound? I'm not so sure I am, and things like this nun-missile debacle are certainly not convincing me that I'm safe from terrorists. Screw these color-coded alerts, I want some damn protection on my military bases!

The funniest thing about The Core is the fact that when Hilary Swank appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, she was completely serious about the movie's plot, saying that it took the "fiction" out of "science fiction" because it was based in fact -- regardless of the fact that the ship they used was made out of something called "unobtainium" because it doesn't exist in real life -- and that she signed onto the project because she was looking for something with substance.

So I'm driving into work today, and I'm a people-watcher. So while I'm sitting at a red light, I look in my rearview mirror at the woman in the car behind me. She looks familiar. And I think to myself, This is the second-largest city in the country. What are the chances of me running into someone I know? But damn it, she looks familiar. So now I'm thinking maybe I don't know her, maybe I "know" her. Friend of a friend? Met at some random event somewhere? Met in a bar? And then it hits me. It's Jennifer Aniston. There she was. One of the duly-appointed members of my List of Five. Sitting there behind the wheel of her brand-spankin'-new shiny silver BMW Z4 roadster. And the most awesome thing was that as she passed me and then got stuck behind a truck, she pulled that Rachel poutyface I've seen so many times on TV.

If a mime falls over in a forest and no one's around to hear... does he/she make a sound?

Note to self: It's "Secret Agent Man," not "Secret Asian Man."

Why do I do it? Worknights where I stay up until 1am when I have to get up early the next morning and put in an extraordinarily long day... Staying out until all hours of the morning going to see shows or hanging out with friends... Planning weekend nights that will completely turn my sleep schedule upside with the knowledge I will not be able to turn it back before the workweek starts, beginning the work week with a sleep deficit... Because I can, I guess. I'm young, and if I can't take the beating now, when will I be able to? I'm being handed a great opportunity to sample life -- the big-city glamorous nightlife I never thought I'd have when I was growing up in Podunk Nowhere, USA -- and this is making up for all those nights when all we did was go to the movies. So until I collapse, I'm pushing forward. In typical I'm-young-and-invincible fashion, I'll deal with the collapse when it comes, if it comes. And to those of you who know what's going on in my personal life, I found it startlingly accurate that my horoscope today said this: Regarding a power game: It can be frustrating to wait for the other person's move. A wise person once said that the secret to having patience is to do something else in the meantime.

Francisco has been trying to get people to post lyrics to the song they listened to the most this week. And since I'm a music guy, I can't resist following along on this one. Now I'm not saying that I'm a religious kind of guy -- because I'm not -- but the song does kick ass. "God's Hands" - David Garza The light will turn dark, and the evil word flow The wicked get wicked, poison garden grow Make me wanna drink all the blood from the lamb Goddamn I'm sick of the millennium, bored by the pain I waited for the gospel, gospel never came Prophets and pimps, working for the man Goddamn Blessed are the fools, blessed are the fiends I'm lonely as a bible, beat like a tambourine Ain't you gonna let me hold your other hand? Goddamn Hail Mary, hail Mary, what happened to you? My dreams are just dreams and they never came true Going back to the womb, back to the van Goddamn Praise the lord and shake your ass Kingdom come is coming fast Praise the lord and shake your ass Kingdom come is coming fast You're in God's hands... In a silent violent generation I was born in the shadow of a stadium But this is all I got, this is all I am Goddamn I'm sick of the millennium, bored by the pain I waited for the gospel, gospel never came Prophets and pimps, working for the man Goddamn Praise the lord and shake your ass Kingdom come is coming fast Praise the lord and shake your ass Kingdom come is coming fast You're in God's hands... --- And since you were so patient and read through all the lyrics, here's the song. Remember now -- right-click and "Save as" (or if you're kicking ass on a Mac, option-click) so as not to stream directly from the server. Rock on, folks, and shake your asses.

Keith is now going through one of those "I drank too much last night so I'm not going to be drinking again for a while" phases. Please make note of this and be cognizant of it. That is all. Okay, yeah. So I drank way too much. But I was down in San Diego with a friend who I hadn't seen in almost a year, and we only had one night together before I had to head back to Los Angeles and he went back to Boston. So we got blitzed. But I appropriately... ahem... let the alcohol demons out of my system forcefully, and I'm the better for it. I don't get hangovers, which is something for which I'm frequently cursed. Oh, and by the way... Eve may be posting some incriminating photos and/or sound files of me over the next couple of days. She says she going to try to blackmail me with them, but she forgets that I have no shame and therefore cannot be blackmailed. Ha! The joke's on her.

I came into some information today that will have a pretty big impact on the radio scene here in L.A. Suffice it to say that now that I know where I'm obliged to stand given the ruling of another company we work with, I've set into motion a chain of events that will (1) get a very, very, very large company mad at me -- and I am not looking forward to their phone call when it comes... and it will come; (2) probably cost this very, very, very large company some revenue as well as a bit of stature as far as their rankings in the L.A. market; and (3) get someone fired. I'm not so concerned about the first two parts of that (well, maybe the first because I'm not so pleased about that phone call when it comes) as much as I am the last one. I've probably gotten someone fired. This makes me feel absolutely awful. I'm not usually a malicious person -- at least not until someone crosses me and gives me cause to make their life hell -- and knowing how hard it was for me to find a job as well as how hard it is for someone in the radio industry overall to find a job makes me feel even more miserable. One of my co-workers said this to me when I revealed the information to me; his exact words were, "Hey, you've probably just gotten this guy fired... how do you feel about that?" When I told him I felt awful, he told me I was just doing my job and it wasn't my fault, but that still doesn't make me feel any better. "I was just doing my job" is used too often to pass the buck of blame farther up into management. And it was this guy's management's fault, but he'll have to pay for it. I think I need several drinks. Stat.

I think, in the interests of full disclosure and fairness, we should get rid of some of our Weapons of Mass Destruction if we think that Iraq and the other Axis of Evil countries should get rid of theirs. I am nominating these items for immediate banishment from American soil and control: - Courtney Love - Taco Bell Grilled Stuft Burritos - Michael Jackson and all television specials pertaining to him - Borscht - Jackson Pollock paintings - Windows ME - Buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Belly jellybeans - North Dakota - Jared from Subway - The phrase "baby's momma" or any variation thereof - Elimidate and EX-treme Dating -- especially Jillian Barberie, host of the latter - Any liquor that comes in a plastic bottle - Rosie O'Donnell - Gefilte fish Coalition forces are standing by to help us level the playing field. Please contribute your suggestions so that we can quickly and easily rid our country of these massively destructive forces.

By the numbers: - Hours of sleep gotten Sunday night/Monday morning: 6 - Hours worked Monday: 10 - Hours of sleep gotten Monday night/Tuesday morning: 4 - Hours worked Tuesday: 14 - Loads of laundry needed to be done: 2 1/2 (not enough whites for a full wash) - Shots of tequila needed to be downed: approximately 5 - Miles needed to be driven by the end of the week: over 300 - Number of times swearing needed to be done so far today: approximately 10 - Number of episodes of Futurama needed to be watched tonight: at least 2, if not more - Number of battles to the death fought today: 3