Riddle me this: If you wrap bacon around a kosher hot dog, do the two repel each other like magnets?

And God created the Internet, and yea, the people rejoiced, for it was good. And then Al Gore attempted to claim credit for the Internet, and he was smote in Florida. Yea, for many expressed woe at this smiting, though many also extolled glory at this smiting. Then with the advent of the Glorious Internet, God commanded the websites to go forth and multiply. And yea, for there appeared more sites than Moses could shake his wooden staff at. Then with the intervention of Satan, the demons of Hell unleashed the forces of Spam. And the people were saddened, and the Lord was displeased, for the Spam also was fruitful and multiplied. And the people did partake of the Spam, and there were those who signed up for the penis enlargers and the sex drive enhancers and the cable TV descramblers and the porn site passwords and the debt consolidation and the Human Growth Hormone and the mortgage refinancing and the-- ["skip a bit, Brother"] Yea, for the onslaught did continue, and the Lord did battle with Satan over the lands of the Internet. And for the ending of this saga, thou wilst have to click here for future installments. Yea, for they are only $9.95 with free shipping...

I think the callback went pretty well, they said they'd let me know in a few days. And now I'm sick, though I'm glad I'm exhibiting more symptoms today rather than yesterday. But I firmly believe someone upstairs in Management is punishing me for singing Warrant. Hey, it's not like I had a choice here. That's what they told me to sing.

I swear, I've seen the fifth sign of the Apocalypse this week. Paramount Pictures has optioned Avril Lavigne's song "Sk8er Boi" to turn it into a movie. They say the film will not be a musical but will be in a musical vein along with films like Flashdance, Footloose and Save the Last Dance. Someone please kill me now. Those of you who know me know of my deep hatred for all things Avril, but the fact that movie studios are hurting so bad for film ideas that they have to take a bad song by a horrid artists and turn it into a feature-length motion picture speaks wonders for the creative levels of the entertainment industry right now. And now, I'm off to prostrate myself at the callbacks for the singing group I auditioned for. Yes, I really did learn all the words to Warrant's "Cherry Pie." Yes, I'm really going to sing them, despite the fact that I have a sore throat and I'm not feeling well. Yes, this very well might be the sixth sign of the Apocalypse this week. The seventh seal will probably be broken when I return home tonight to find another Michael Jackson special on TV, in which case I will climb into bed, pull the covers over my head and await an eternity of fire and brimstone.

You ever get the urge to do something ridiculously stupid and pointless... just to see if it can be done? If yes, have you ever acted on it -- while sober? Among some of my stupider stunts is driving from Portland, Oregon to Boston in 51 hours -- I did about 75% of the driving. And yes, I'm still alive to tell about it. Though at this particular moment, I'm a wee bit too tired to go into the details.

For those of you who sleep in beds (and I'm pretty sure that's most of you), I pose this poll question unto you: After waking up from a night's sleep and getting out of bed, when do you remake your bed? a) as soon as I get out of it, I'm a neat freak! b) sometime before I leave for work, I'm not conscious enough immediately after waking up to employ fine motor skills like that c) sometime during the day, it's not like anyone is going to come waltzing into my bedroom and judge me for having an unmade bed d) right before I get back into it that night, I'm a lazy bastard e) make the bed? Screw that! He/She Who Stole The Covers Last Night can make it for me f) other (please elaborate)

- If there was any doubt in my mind before, it's been banished from my mind. Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush want to rule the world. It wasn't enough that we overran Iraq, but now they're making noises at Iran -- I guess they figure while we're in the neighborhood, we might as well take care of some business... - Is it just me, or is every single commercial on TV today for some kind of drug? And people wonder why viruses like SARS can spring up -- it's because we're all running out to our doctors to ask for drugs we don't need, and all these viruses build up immunities to it. I wonder whether companies start buying ads for marijuana on TV if the government'll eventually legalize it because people will start believing they need some. - That earthquake in Japan? I didn't see any damage from it. I'm thinking maybe it was just a concerted prank by camera operators all over Japan to shake their video cameras all at the same time to make it look like an earthquake was happening. You know, kind of like those old episodes of the original series of Star Trek where, in order to simulate the Enterprise getting hit by weaponry, the camera operators would shake the cameras and the actors would bounce around in their seats in unison.

And now, this week's Most Listened To Song O' The Week: Linkin Park - "Faint" I am a little bit of loneliness, a little bit of disregard Handful of complaints, but I can't help the fact that everyone can see these scars What I want you to want, what I want you to feel But it's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you to just believe this is real So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored I am a little bit insecure, a little unconfident 'Cause you don't understand, I do what I can, but sometimes I don't make sense I am what you never wanna say, but I've never had a doubt It's like no matter what I do, I can't convince you for once just to hear me out So I let go, watching you turn your back like you always do Face away and pretend that I'm not But I'll be here 'cause you're all that I've got I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Now Hear me out now You're gonna listen to me, like it or not Right now Hear me out now You're gonna listen to me, like it or not Right now I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored I can't feel the way I did before Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored Time won't heal this damage anymore Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored I can't feel I won't be ignored Time won't heal Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored...

I hate fake people. I can't stand them. And what's even worse are people who create their own hype and then believe it when other people start drinking their Kool-Aid. And it really tweaks my melon when people say things about themselves and have thoroughly convinced themselves that it's true, while there's concrete proof to the opposite. What does it matter? I'm not one to name names, the people who I'm referring to never come here, and even if they did, they wouldn't realize I'm talking about them because they've thoroughly convinced themselves that their perceptions of who they are and what they do are the truth, not what really is.

Some of you have expressed confusion over the previous installment of satiric expressions, where I relayed the expression "that wangs chung" and told you its proper usage. Well, to alleviate your confusion, here's another potential expression for you to use, also courtesy of Matt Groening and the brilliant writers of Futurama. Term: "that toads the wet sprocket" Usage: Also to express displeasure or distaste at a situation or object or to express derision, as seen here in this example: Boss: "You didn't put the new cover sheet on your TPS report." Employee: "That new cover sheet toads the wet sprocket!"

So, Jayson Blair, the New York Times journalist who fooled everyone by writing fake news stories, was told by his agent that he'd be "besieged" with million-dollar book offers. That has yet to happen. Of course, it's not going to happen! The guy besmirches the reputation of one of the most-highly-regarded newspapers in the country -- if not the world -- and he thinks he should be rewarded for it? I mean, what's to be rewarded? He made up stuff? Great! I make up stuff every day, where're my book offers? What about all those starving writers out there who have written tons of good material but have yet to be signed anywhere? This guy doesn't deserve one red cent from any publishers; he didn't do anything worth commending. The fact that he expects compensation and reward for his infamy only contributes to my perception that almost everyone in this country feels they have this sense of they just deserve things and should get them, no matter what the reality of their situations are. Blair lied, he cheated, he defrauded a highly respected news organization. Why on Earth should he expect accolades for this?

Okay, so you read my entry a few weeks ago about Futurama and Family Guy on Cartoon Network beating all the late-night TV talk shows, including Letterman, Leno, Kilborn, Kimmel and all the rest. I'm sure Fox is kicking themselves in the ass for not marketing these shows properly and letting them develop them and make them successful. So now I'm re-watching my Sports Night DVD box set discs again. And I can't believe this show never got a chance to take off. It's so damn brilliant. I mean, how can you not like a show that began an episode like this: "We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and, because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie." For God's sake, my father told me that he thought the series was the best thing he thought had ever aired on television, and he hates everything I like.

I took my car in for service today and had to recheck my records as far as what stuff had already been repaired on the car, so I went through all my papers detailing all the times my car's been taken in for work. I found the repair sheet that was generated when the car went in to the dealership in Connecticut to prep it for the cross-country trip and my move to Los Angeles. In some ways, it feels like it was yesterday, and in other ways, it seems like that day was a lifetime ago. And, in some ways, that day was a lifetime ago. I gave up everything... left it all behind to come here. It's another part of my life that is forever over. I found out later through close friends and relatives that when I had initially made noises about being annoyed with Boston and wanting to leave the city, no one took me seriously. Apparently, just about everyone thought that I was set in my ways and wouldn't ever take the leap of actually leaving the Northeast. No one had any faith in me to take command and move out, because they all thought I was all talk and no action. Well, fuck you all. Here I am. I not only left the Northeast, where I'd lived my entire life, but I went after a job I wanted and got back into the field where I wanted to be. It's got to be really easy for all of them to say that they didn't think I would ever leave when half of my high school classmates are still back in southeastern Connecticut and most of my college classmates stayed in Boston or only went to New York.

Part two of my discourse on "the other part" of Los Angeles that isn't really portrayed too often (part one can be seen here). I went to an alumni event tonight -- they want to form an "Entertainment Network" of all the alums here in L.A. who work in the entertainment industry, so a bunch of us met up at a restaurant to discuss things. I was the only one there working in the music industry... most everyone else was either an actor, working in TV or in the film industry. And at least a third of them were out of work. I heard the phrase "so if anyone knows of a job opening..." at least 10 times tonight. I've always said it's all about who you know. That holds true especially in this town. Name-dropping is not just accepted, it's expected. I can see why, given where I work, my friends who moved out here from Boston had cautioned me when I arrived that people might try to become my friend just for what I do and not who I am. In other, more pleasant news, my arms are feeling a lot better, despite another session with the personal trainer this morning. I was actually able to sleep in my usual positions last night, so I got a decent (if not short) night's sleep for the first time in a week.

Today's satiric expression of the day, brought to you by Matt Groening and the brilliant writers at Futurama, is "that wangs chung." It can be used to express displeasure or distaste at a situation, as seen here in this example: Boss: "I'm going to need you to go ahead and come in on Saturday... and you know what... you might as well go ahead and come in on Sunday, too." Employee: "That wangs chung!" And no, you don't have to pay royalties to the band every time you use it.