Whoever said topical comedy wasn't dead on? I'm quickly becoming addicted to Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, and I'm realizing how funny the guy actually is. SNL didn't use him to his fullest extent. I mean, I completely didn't make the connection between reality TV and people's desires to vote Gray Davis off the island -- I mean, out of the house -- until Quinn connected the dots for me. Maybe people would take a greater interest in politics if we held our next presidential race as a reality TV show, especially since more people probably got excited about and voted for American Idol than they did about the last presidential election. If they did it that way, no one would have to worry about political ads and airtime -- they'd all get primetime coverage every week, if not more frequently. You could start off Survivor-style -- one tribe would be the Democrats and one tribe would be the Republicans, and you could even do it in a house like Big Brother so they wouldn't have to run around in the jungle. Every week, you vote someone out, and then the final winner goes up in a special challenge round against President Moron for the final election for the presidency. Who's with me? Network executives and party organizers, if you decide to do it this way, I want money for my idea.

I'm starting to become convinced that all those stories about California being the home of evil and the state being likely to break off and fall into the ocean... well, they're probably true. First of all, you've probably heard all about California's big political turmoil. They're recalling the governor, and chances are, a new governor will be voted in. So, you might be thinking that the worst possible candidate has already made himself known: Arnold Schwartzenegger. But I hate to break it to you... there's worse out there. Arianna Huffington is considering running for governor. I mean, dear Lord... it doesn't get much worse than her. The woman annoys me with every thing she does or says, mostly because she's a high-and-mighty imbecile who thinks she's the best thing since sliced bread and the savior of the American way of life. I still remember when she was on The Daily Show, and I was so incredibly happy when Jon Stewart cut her down to size. After ranting about how people needed to buy her book because it would make people angry enough about the environment to do something -- which she kept repeating over and over again -- Jon finally said to her, "Look, if all these people are buying your book, doesn't that mean that more and more trees are being cut down to make the paper for it?" I was standing in my living room applauding because he not only got a word in edgewise, but it cut her down to size pretty damn quickly... well, quite frankly, she was speechless. And then we have the stereotypical L.A. women. I really thought that the stories weren't all that true, mostly because I'd fallen in with a good group of people, and a good number of them were women who were pretty level-headed and fun and smart. And then the dating troubles started to ensue... and then, today, while searching through some profiles on JDate, I found someone whose profile started like this and went downhill from there (this is a cut-and-paste, I'm not making this up): First off, if you're an actor, teacher or waiter, have tons of baggage and make less than $30,000 a year, DON'T RESPOND!! I want a man who has a real job, makes decent money doing it and doesn't overload me with his emotional problems a dozen times a day. Joooooy.

So a couple of co-workers and I went down to the little cafeteria in our building today for lunch, and who walks in behind us but Leeza Gibbons? Apparently, she was in the building to visit with the entertainment lawyers who are a couple of floors upstairs from my office. The funny thing was that she forgot her wallet out in her car, and one of my co-workers who had met her previously at our recent convention ended up buying her lunch.

So, there's this close family friend who's a bit naive, despite the fact that she's old enough to be my mom. And she constantly sends all these Internet forwards warning people about various things to everyone on her e-mail list, of which I seem to be a part. Thing is, about 95% of the e-mails from her are Internet hoaxes, and I usually find the listing disproving that particular urban legend on Snopes within a minute or two. The question is, do I hit "reply all" to everyone and send along an excerpt of the disproof -- which I've done occasionally in the past when it's regarding a company or product I use and don't want to wish ill upon, or when it's the second or third time she's sent the same warning along -- or do I just hold my virtual tongue and hit "delete"?

So, a date last night that went well. That's a rarity. It may lead to more. I hope it does. I was talking with some friends today who basically agreed that the frequency of vibrations you receive tend to be along the same lines as the ones you transmit. In plain English, people can tell when you're happy and things tend to go better when you are happy. Unfortunately, if that's true, happiness and unhappiness can be a very self-perpetuating trend. Happiness will tend to beget happiness, where unhappiness will tend to beget unhappiness. And until something happens to break the cycle -- which, hopefully, would be out of unhappiness into happiness -- then things can just spiral. And you can't count on outside influences to break it either, which makes it even harder, because happy things don't happen to unhappy people according to that principle. With that in mind, here's Sunday's Most Listened-to Song o' the Week. You may have heard it in a Hummer commercial or two. It's a kickass song. But again, I'm baffled by the fact that despite the fact that the lyrics are relatively simple, every single lyric site I went to got them wrong. So rather than just cut & paste them, I've also had to correct them because the Internet is replete with morons. Filter - "The Only Way (Is The Wrong Way)" Did you think that I would disappear? Did you think that I would wash away? Did you think that I would last this long? Did you think that I would get this strong? Every time they try to make me change They just wear me down with more chains And it feels like, that you're with me or against me And it feels like, that your promises are all mine And it feels like, that to push me is to shove me And it feels like, that the only way is the wrong way Did you think that I could be your crutch Did you think that life could mean so much Did you think that this could end in birth Did you think that this was just plain old luck Every time they try to make me change They just wear me down with more chains And it feels like, that you're with me or against me And it feels like, that your promises are all mine And it feels like, that to push me is to shove me And it feels like, the only way is the wrong way Every time they try to make me change They just wear me down with more chains And it feels like, that you're with me or against me And it feels like, that your promises are all mine And it feels like, that to push me is to shove me And it feels like, the only way is the wrong way And it feels like, the only way is the wrong way And it feels like, the only way is the wrong way The only way is the wrong way The only way is the wrong way...

I don't normally reprint things I've found elsewhere, but I had to in this case... 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras. 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's f***' is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan

On the way to work, I was passed by a car all decked out in racing stripes, racing decals, shiny spinning rims, big-ass silver-plated muffler, tinted windows, hydraulics and spoiler. It was a Dodge Neon. A Dodge Neon. I mean, for cryin' out loud, you could drop a rocket engine in that car, install a flux capacitor and make it into a super-fast time machine, and it'd still be a damned Dodge Neon.

It was kind of a topsy-turvy day -- one to the point where I'd actually consider using the expression "topsy-turvy." I made inappropriate jokes about my boss today that I am definitely regretting doing now. And I did get a date for this weekend, but that first conversation we had tonight... I dunno. Conversation was not as easy and flowing as I would've liked it to be, and I feel like I almost had to interview her -- I have this bad habit of talking too much when conversation doesn't flow so easily because I don't like uncomfortable silences. But she likes Blind Date. That's a good thing. So I'm doing... research. Yeah, that's what I'm calling watching Blind Date right now. Research.

After hearing what I've heard for the last five minutes outside my window, I'm not quite sure whether it's a family of very nasal, monosyllabic and unintelligible foreigners or a bunch of Martians from Mars Attacks who has moved in next door.

Once upon a morning bright While I blinked away the haze surrounding the light Recovering from a night of sleep Brushing away a slumber so deep I heard a rapping, a rapping at my door I thought to myself, "It's just that person tromping around on the upstairs floor." Ah, distinctly I remember the morning, see It was today, July Twenty-three When I was battling my way out of bed And that rapping, rapping entered my head "Go away!" I yelled at my front door "Can't you see I'm not awake yet and will be an incoherent bore?" But still that rapping, rapping persisted Penetrating my thoughts, my sleep wasted I launched myself from my bedroom Feeling with a certain amount of gloom That someone wished me to be conscious With that rapping, rapping that was noxious Dressed in an old t-shirt and flannel pants I muttered, "I'd kill them if I had the chance "For waking me on this fine day When I was supposed to sleep away The morning in its entirety Having been up way too late the night before, you see." And the rapping still was there As I approached the door with feet bare Threw it open and then said, "Yes?" To find two men standing there in quite fine dress Having heard stories recently Of overactive homeland security My heart froze and I thought, "Could this be the day my farm is bought?" Nay, it wasn't, for the gentlemen were polite And after a short speech, they brought to light Their reason for their rapping, rapping on my wall They wished for me to hear the call Of Mormonism, bringing me to their ways of life And delivering me from my strife "No thanks," I said, and cut them off Stifling a healthy cough I resisted the urge to be mean By inviting them in for a beverage alcoholic and green I shut the door and went back to bed Hearing more rapping in my head As they proceeded to homes other than mine And I sat down and typed this stupid rhyme.

I was listening to Radio@Netscape's '90s Alternative channel tonight while at work and heard a couple of songs that really took me back a bit in time. These two songs really affected my life in distinct ways, and I can still remember the circumstances under which I used them -- and, in true form, I will always associate those songs with the moments they were used. Collective Soul - "Shine" One summer during my college years, I drove up to Boston to visit some friends, and I didn't stay the end -- I ended up driving back to my parents' place that night. I had thought I'd be fine -- just under a 2-hour drive, I was used to staying up late, no problem. Except that when I was about 10 minutes away from my parents' house, I nodded off behind the wheel. The only time I've ever done that. It was only for a few seconds, thankfully. The guitar chords that open the chorus to "Shine" came on the radio and woke me up. And if they hadn't, I wouldn't have navigated my car around that curve coming up, and I would've impacted on that concrete overpass support at 70 mph and died. Gin Blossoms - "Found Out About You" This is the song I used to audition for the first group I ever sang with -- my a cappella group in college. It was definitely a pivotal point in my life, getting into that group, because I wasn't the cool kid in high school. I used to sing along to the radio and I'd always be told to shut up, but once I got into that group, my singing voice was suddenly appreciated by those around me. And I was talented -- I had a quality that people admired and looked up to me for having. And the fact that my group was popular around campus made me popular -- you should have seen the crowds packing the coffeehouse when we performed, and all the people in the audience who were screaming for us. And I was accepted within the group as an equal. It was a real confidence-booster for me. It made me who I am today, and it taught me the lesson of going after something you want and being able to attain it. Without it, I probably would not have attempted a lot of things, and I'd probably be some mediocre nobody with no personality still living in Boston and working at some dead-end job I hate.

The fact that last night I didn't hear back from someone I really wanted to added onto all the bad dreams I had last night were all capped off by the fact that I woke up to the sound of my upstairs neighbor throwing up. (If we both have our windows open, the sound between our apartments will bounce between our levels and the building next door very easily.) Dear Lord, it's going to be a freakin' great day.

Things that are looking up: 1. Life in general. In what's proven to be a labor of love, I've finally gotten a singing group together here in Los Angeles after coordinating with people for almost 10 months. The cool thing is that we all seem to actually like each other and have fun together. And, despite the fact that only one of us has sang in a group in the past 5 years (the rest of us had a bit of a sabbatical), we had our first rehearsal last night and sang one song all the way through and half of another. Rock on. Oh, and I may have a date next weekend too.

And now, Sunday's Most Listened-to Song o' the Week: (hed) PE - "Other Side" In Southern Mexico, you forget just why you came You run to Northern California, but you forget to change your name But when I get to New York City, it won’t matter, none of this will change 10,000 miles and running All these songs will remain the same Just take your time Your life is just beginning You are all grown up, wanting for the other side Just take your time I will always be there waiting on the other side Wanting for the other side Inside my worried mind, I wonder why I’m here And all the questions that I ask myself The answers are never clear I can’t believe that it’s all over I don’t know where to begin I’ve got to outrun these shadows Feel the sun on my face again… my friend Just take your time Your life is just beginning You are all grown up, wanting for the other side Just take your time I will always be there waiting on the other side Wanting for the other side I thought I knew them, I thought they were my friends Well, I must be crazy It never ends… it never ends No, we are not the same, we are so far apart And the distance felt between us is in the heart You know it’s true Just take your time Your life is just beginning You are all grown up, wanting for the other side Just take your time I will always be there waiting on the other side Wanting for the other side Just take your time…