Life still accelerating at warp speed, despite the fact that my company's big-ass annual convention is over. But hey, the masses still must be given fresh new content! And what better way to entertain than to give you some fresh new tunes. From my buddy DJ Party Ben: U2 vs. Janet Jackson - Control Bloody Control. Dear lord, it's sheer brilliance. Right-click and "save as," homeslices.

Ladies, here are two simple rules for summer attire: 1. Spandex: It's a privilege, not a right. 2. If you're wearing those white cotton pants that seem to be so popular, don't wear dark-colored underwear. If you do, men will stare at your ass, so don't get offended when it happens.

Sometimes, my job really kicks ass.

So I got invited to the green room party for tonight's episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live. And I brushed past Carson Daly a few times. I should've kicked his ass for wearing a Yankees hat, but I don't think he would've liked that too much. But the coolest part was not the free food & alcohol, it was the free pinball and old-school Galaga. Awwwww, yeah. I still kick ass at Galaga.

I'll be a little scarce over the next few days... my company's big annual convention starts today, so there will be all kinds of mayhem going on. However, there's a good chance I'm going to have breakfast with Hulk Hogan tomorrow morning. Don't ask -- long story. If it happens, I'll post pictures.

Okay, there seems to have been much confusion over what happened last Saturday night, so I will now present to you the Short Attention Span Theatre version: Scene: A local bar, then in a car, taking place on Saturday night Players: KEITH - your amiable host FRIEND - a close friend of KEITH who happens to be female WOMAN - a random attractive woman at the bar GUY - a guy at the bar who FRIEND finds attractive Begin scene FRIEND: You know, Keith, if you see any hot women here tonight, I'm there for you. I'll talk you up to them, I'll start conversations for you, whatever you need. I want you to get someone's number by the end of the night. KEITH: Rock on, Friend, you're a good friend. Hours later KEITH: Hey, how's it going? WOMAN: Good, this is a cool party. Conversation ensues, but FRIEND just stands there and listens, not really contributing much to the conversation. Not much later that same evening FRIEND: Guy, you're hot. GUY: I know. Want a beer? FRIEND: You just said the magic word. But they're doing last call at this bar, and that's lame. KEITH and I know of another bar that will be open for another hour, want to go? GUY: Okay. I will drive because it's not within walking distance, even though you guys walked to this bar that we're leaving now, because you live so close. In car FRIEND: Hey, Guy, did you know that KEITH is really cool? He took me to a really great concert where the band on the radio right now played. And he's got a great job in the music industry, so he's all hooked up! But he's way awesome, and he's all kinds of funny and intelligent. KEITH [THINKING]: Why couldn't FRIEND have said all this while she was standing there listening to me talk to WOMAN? I don't want to go home with GUY. End scene

Okay, there seems to have been much confusion over what happened last Saturday night, so I will now present to you the Short Attention Span Theatre version: Scene: A local bar, then in a car, taking place on Saturday night Players: KEITH - your amiable host FRIEND - a close friend of KEITH who happens to be female WOMAN - a random attractive woman at the bar GUY - a guy at the bar who FRIEND finds attractive Begin scene FRIEND: You know, Keith, if you see any hot women here tonight, I'm there for you. I'll talk you up to them, I'll start conversations for you, whatever you need. I want you to get someone's number by the end of the night. KEITH: Rock on, Friend, you're a good friend. Hours later KEITH: Hey, how's it going? WOMAN: Good, this is a cool party. Conversation ensues, but FRIEND just stands there and listens, not really contributing much to the conversation. Not much later that same evening FRIEND: Guy, you're hot. GUY: I know. Want a beer? FRIEND: You just said the magic word. But they're doing last call at this bar, and that's lame. KEITH and I know of another bar that will be open for another hour, want to go? GUY: Okay. I will drive because it's not within walking distance, even though you guys walked to this bar that we're leaving now, because you live so close. In car FRIEND: Hey, Guy, did you know that KEITH is really cool? He took me to a really great concert where the band on the radio right now played. And he's got a great job in the music industry, so he's all hooked up! But he's way awesome, and he's all kinds of funny and intelligent. KEITH [THINKING]: Why couldn't FRIEND have said all this while she was standing there listening to me talk to WOMAN? I don't want to go home with GUY. End scene

Rule No. 34: When you're out drinking with a friend of the opposite sex and she's trying to get you to approach a woman and get that woman's number, make sure that, when you finally do talk to that woman, that your friend tells her all about what you do and how great you are -- not the guy who's hitting on your friend and begins hitting on the woman you're talking to when your friend's not there. Quite honestly, I had no desire to go home with the guy, and my friend was making it sound like she was either trying to make him jealous of me or trying to hook us up, and I wanted neither. And yes, she knows I'm not gay.

So I went over to the Century City Mall today with a co-worker for lunch, and we're standing around in the food court waiting for our food, and I nudge my co-worker and say, "Hey, see that tall blonde in line at Sbarro? Isn't that Beth Littleford?" He looks over and says, "Yeah, it is!" I told him that I used to love watching her when she was on The Daily Show, and he said, "Well, why don't you go over there and tell her?" Quite honestly, I didn't feel right doing it. For the most part, celebrities are people too, and they deserve the right to go about their lives in mild privacy without being bothered. I mean, if I was stopped everywhere I went, I'd probably get a little pissed off about it eventually. On top of which, I didn't know exactly how she'd take it -- I could see the possibility that she might think, "Man, this guy is reminding me about a show I voluntarily left and then became wildly popular with the kids! How dumb was that move that I now regret and that he's now bringing up? And now look, I'm on this stupid Fox show with a pair of rappers!" And then, given that she is taller than I am and looks very much in shape, she'd kick my ass and probably still have enough left over to kick my co-worker's ass before getting her lunch at Sbarro and eating it in solitude. So I left her alone. And then, of course, I got back to the office and immediately called a friend of mine who I know has been a big Daily Show fan for years and said, "Guess who I saw at lunch today??"

Join me in the chant, won't you? Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday...! I think, out of everything, I'm looking forward to just coming home from work tonight, collapsing for a few hours on the couch in front of TiVo, then going to sleep and sleeping way late tomorrow. So, check these out: German Samurai on the Loose in Woods Near Berlin. And for those of you (like me) who are planning to wait until after opening weekend to see Dodgeball, here's another movie for you to check out: Titanic -- re-enacted in 30 seconds by bunnies. Bunnies rule, yo.

I love this: Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster. "Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store.

I love this: Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster. "Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store.

One of the more infuriating things for me is when I ask why something has to be done a particular way and I'm told, "Because it's always been done that way." I got into an argument with a co-worker last night who kept telling me, "Ask a veteran, this is the way it was done before you got here." I didn't realize until later that one of the reasons I was getting so upset at that response is because not only was he refusing to acknowledge that things might be different than before the time that I got there (and they are -- we're putting out a ton more products with fewer people on tighter deadlines than when he started), but also that it was just a matter of him being stuck in a rut and not able to see that just because something is done a particular way, that doesn't make it the best way. And people still support President Moron. The 9/11 panel has said there's "no credible evidence" there were links between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda. So... remind me why we went to war again? Our government has lied to us, saying events and meetings took place that didn't, ties were there that weren't, then contradicts itself -- Cheney said there were links between the 9/11 attacks and Iraq, and Bush said there weren't. On top of which, President Moron has called Afghanistan "the first victory in the war on terror". All I have to say to that is... what's he smoking and where can I find some of that? Victory? Need I remind our supposedly fearless leader that there's been pretty much no headway made in Afghanistan? Where's Osama bin Laden? End of story. The war on terror in Afghanistan will be over when we find Osama bin Laden. Rock the Vote, yo.

If I had a nickel for every time I've read a personal ad that contains the words "I work hard, but I also play hard," I'd have a shitload of nickels. Here's some mellow music for a Tuesday... right-click and save as, homeslices, and yes, that is a sample of The Cure in there. Just Jack - Snowflakes (Cured by Temple of Jay Mix)

Kickass center orchestra seats to the KROQ Weenie Roast: Awesome. Free Fatburger: Would've preferred In-n-Out Burger, but free is free! Backstage passes: Awwwww yeah. Having former Guns 'n' Roses/current Velvet Revolver guitarist Slash tell you and your friend that he still gets stage fright: Priceless.