Saturday. 2004 KROQ Weenie Roast. Among those appearing: Story of the Year, Yellowcard, New Found Glory, Hoobastank, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Modest Mouse, Cypress Hill, Velvet Revolver, Bad Religion and The Beastie Boys (BEASTIES!!!). Orchestra seats. All access backstage passes. It's gonna be a freakin' awesome weekend. Did I mention that every year, KROQ rents out two In-n-Out Burger trucks and gives away free In-n-Out to everyone backstage? Awwwww yeah.

Okay... not feeling terribly creative... I just wanted to share with you some things that have been cracking me up over the past 24 hours: From WKRP in Cincinnati: Les Nessman: "Monster lizard ravages East Coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the East Coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless!" Dr. Johnny Fever: "Monster lizard?" Les: "The wire service never lies!" Johnny: "Les, the 'B' is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard!" From Lewis Black's standup special, Black on Broadway: "I was astonished to find that our president had never left the country before he became president. How is that possible? Even drunk on a bet, you make it to Canada." And then there's this terrific forward that a co-worker on the Committee For Sexual Harassment forwarded me this morning... (mind you, it was a female who sent me this!) The Guys' Rules We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I've been barraged by mass-mailing requests from people who are looking for Gmail invitations. What's the huge fuss? Is there something really exciting going on that I'm just not getting or that I haven't heard about? I'm reminded of that line from 10 Things I Hate About You when Heath Ledger hears of The Plan™ so the nice guy can win Julia Stiles' sister over: "Why is everyone so for this girl? Has she got beer-flavored nipples or something?"

I can't freakin' hear you because I spent two hours at the Velvet Revolver show tonight. Dude! Scott Weiland and Slash together on stage. And they did my favorite Stone Temple Pilots and Guns 'n' Roses songs. Keith is an extremely happy camper. And he also can't hear much. I was SO tempted to call Eve during the concert and blast her with a wall of sound as she has frequently done to me -- and she usually calls me at strange early hours of the morning -- but I was enjoying the concert too much and was too busy screaming along to the music. But I'm sure she'll be comforted to know I was thinking of her.

36 hours. 752 spam e-mails. Does anyone else find this a little excessive? All I can say is, thank Jeebus my hosting provider has this spam filter that I just recently engaged. That way, it get shunted to a spam folder and I can sift through it at will without having to see it in my regular inbox. (By the way, that's such a cool word... "shunted." Almost as cool as "exude.") Wasn't there supposed to be legislation to make the spam go away? And while we're at it, can't we pass legislation to make Anna Nicole Smith go away? In other news, the 10th anniversary edition of Reality Bites is coming out this week. It makes me feel... well, kind of old. I remember when the movie first came out -- I was just about to head into college, and the movie terrified me. What the hell had I gotten myself into? What was waiting for me when I graduated? And now it's 10 years later... I seem to have gotten myself into a fine mess. [wry smile] All I can say is... I guess it was easier than I thought it would be, even though it wasn't completely easy.

Okay, the funniest part was not the fact that David Hasselhoff was arrested for DUI in Encino. He may have even tried to have blamed the car, saying it was KITT who was driving erratically because he had been freebasing the super-unleaded again. No, the funniest part of it is the fact that Hasselhoff has teamed with Ice-T to put out a rap album. Yes, folks, Hasselhoff can rap. And he's going to prove it to all of us by reincarnating himself as rapper "Hassel The Hoff." Ice-T told the British newspaper The Sun, "The man is a legend, and we are going to show a whole new side of him. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humor." Personally, I think the humor will come from hearing The Hoff's rap skills.

Random news musings: 1. I've got to stop checking My Yahoo when watching award shows and other attention-getting events on TV, especially those on time-delay on the West Coast. What's the point in trying to see who won what on the Tony Awards when I can log on and read who won the big awards before they're announced in the West Coast broadcast? Oh, and by the way, the woman who I've been telling everyone I'm in love with? That's Idina Menzel, who won Best Actress in a Musical. 2. I know some people may consider this blasphemy, but I don't really consider Ronald Reagan to have been a great president. All I've been hearing on the news over the past day is how wonderful he was and all he did, and the only question that comes to my mind is... what'd he do? I've heard the expression "he singlehandedly defeated Communism," and that's just not true -- it was an almost-30-year battle that just happened to start ending during his administration because the Soviet Union couldn't afford to keep funding its military budget anymore. Hell, the Berlin Wall, one of the most-recognizable monuments of the Iron Curtain, didn't come down until November 1989, well after Reagan left office. The coup that pretty much toppled the Soviet Union didn't occur until 1991, which was definitely past Reagan's term. Reagan proposed the Strategic Defense Initiative (a.k.a. "Star Wars"), which was one of the most absurd ideas proposed in terms of U.S. defense and never came to fruition anyways. So tell me... what'd he do? 3. Note to Jennifer Lopez: Word to keep in mind: "date." Key phrase: "Pre-marriage relationship." I swear, the woman should be banned from marrying anyone else. She is abusing the institution of marriage and making a mockery of it. The statistics say that 65% of all marriages end in divorce, and I think she's singlehandedly skewing that number up about 40%.

I went to see Shrek 2 last night with a friend (needed something to take my mind off all this stuff) -- and loved it. The best part of it was the fact that they spoofed just about everything. You really had to pay attention to get all the inside references. It's a movie-licious weekend, what with plans to see Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban tonight and The Day After Tomorrow tomorrow night. Then I will have given enough money to the local movie theater chains to fund another megagoogolplex (preferably with surround sound and stadium seating -- with comfy chairs, of course). A friend of mine just had her first child, and since I got the news, I've been listening to this song nonstop. I know it's got those religious overtones, but instead I'm getting more of a "welcome to the world, kid, now what're you gonna do with yourself?" kind of a challenging vibe from it. It's a stellar song though, and from a local (San Diego) band. Right-click and save as, and have yourself a merry little Friday. Switchfoot - Dare You to Move

Best thing I've said in a while (after a co-worker apologized for something): "Yeah well... sorry doesn't bring the baby seal back to life." This was followed by hysterical laughter from me and another co-worker who overheard me. Thanks, I'm here all week -- be sure to tip your waitress.

So, for the second time in five days, I've been dumped by a woman via e-mail. And Dad will undergo either triple- or quadruple-bypass open-heart surgery later this week, depending on what they find when they open up his chest when he goes into the hospital on Thursday. Thankfully, I have great friends who took me out, drank beer with me and somehow sucked more at darts and pool than I did so I won. This makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside despite all the crap on the outside. In other news, check this out: it's a commentary by some guy at MSNBC about how Star Wars, Episode III can be saved, and it's freakin' funny as hell. Pardon me while I pass out in bed now.

My father told me this story once, and it's something I just can't get out of my head. When my grandfather was putting himself through law school, he held a number of jobs to try and pay the bills. One of the things he did was be a debt collector -- he'd find people and collect on debts they owed. One day in 1942 or 1943, he went to a guy's house to collect on a $5 debt (which was a fair amount in those days) and the guy pleaded with him, saying he was going to be drafted in a week -- at which point his debt would be put on hold until he returned. He begged my grandfather to forget he saw him, to say that he went to this guy's house but no one was home and to come back next week when he'd already be gone. My grandfather agreed. Flash-forward to late May 1944. My grandfather had been drafted and his company was preparing to invade Normandy -- he was in the group slated to be in the first wave. As many of you know, the survival rate among those who hit the beaches first was very, very low. They had a company review just a few days before the invasion was set, which a higher-ranking officer was conducting, and he ordered my grandfather to stay behind after the review was over. Fearing that he was in trouble, he reported to the officer. "Do you remember me?" the officer asked my grandfather. After my grandfather said he didn't, the officer reminded my grandfather of the $5 debt he "forgave" the man just before he was drafted. Then he told my grandfather, "You look like a motor-pool supervisor... don't you agree?" Then he assigned my grandfather to head up the company's motor pool, which was to transfer vehicles onshore after the beaches were secured. Because of one good turn to some random person whose name has long been forgotten, my grandfather survived D-Day and returned home to his wife after the war. And thirty-some-odd years later, I was born.

Back from Spokane, glittering jewel of the Pacific Northwest™, and reality has set in like the ton of bricks it is -- or, to use a more apt description, reality has crushingly set in like the 1,032 spam e-mails that were waiting for me when I got back. 1,032. I was gone for three days, people. Can we say there's a spam problem going on? Congress mandated a Do Not Call list, I think there should be a Do Not E-mail list. A shortened week means a hectic week at work, though I will have a hell of a time trying to concentrate as my dad goes into the hospital for tests tomorrow. The results may mean he may have to stay there for open-heart bypass, or they may put stents in, but we won't really know until the test results come back. Either way, as Dad says, the inevitable came a little sooner than he expected. Who needs a drink? (I do! I do! Uhh... as if I haven't drank enough this weekend, on top of all the allergy medication I was taking because my friend has a cat and I'm allergic to cats...)