Four years of my life and $120,000 were poured into a highly accredited university to give me an excellent education and mold me into an intelligent and mature individual, and I'm still up until 2am just so I can watch the "Wheel of Fish" scene in UHF on cable. UHF, of course, is the tour de force written by and starring Weird Al Yankovic and features such intelligent dialogue as "For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly!" and "Ohhhh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a lucky, lucky boy... because you get to drink from -- THE FIREHOSE!" Yeah, I'm allegedly smart. Allegedly. And even though every day is just another battle to make sure my moments of brilliance outnumber my moments of stupidity, it's hard to win that battle when crap like this still makes me laugh until I can barely breathe.

Pardon me while I get all serious on you for a second. I saw tonight's Apprentice, and while I'm not going to give anything away, I'm not so pleased. There was a segment where one of the team members were talking about these "old Jewish women" who gave them a bad review. And one of the team members -- who happened to be Jewish -- overheard and, rightfully so, took offense. I've been lucky enough that I've lived in areas where people are usually pretty tolerant. I've never really had to deal with anti-Semitism, and I've been able to surround myself with people who may joke about it with me but who I know deep down don't mean it. Part of it is me having a thicker skin (thank you, New York & Boston upbringing) and part of it is just knowing these people well enough to realize that no, they're not really being evil bigots. Makes me wonder though about how thin the veneer is. How much is bubbling under. How our country can go from segregation to integration in just 40 years without some serious explosions. Hell, I was reading something today about a New York Jew who moved to Waco, Texas for a job and got a weekly lecture from one of his co-workers about how the South should've won the Civil War, and how people used to tell him they'd never met a Jew before and then asked to see his horns. (That's only happened to me once... and ironically, I was in the South at the time.) Anyways, here's something else for your aural pleasure. This guy RX must've taken a few weeks to put this together... but it's really all clips of Bush doing the words. And it goes all the way through the song. Right-click and save as. Then listen. Then listen again. RX - "Sunday Bloody Sunday" (U2 vs. George W. Bush)

Okay, everyone's been doing this thing, so why not me too, I suppose? The bolded ones are the ones I've done. Edited to add: Upon further reflection... maybe I have done more than I thought I have. But there's still a lot I haven't done... and time's a-wastin'. 01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink 02. Swam with wild dolphins 03. Climbed a mountain 04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive 05. Been inside the Great Pyramid 06. Held a tarantula 07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 08. Said 'I love you' and meant it 09. Hugged a tree 10. Done a striptease 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise 15. Seen the Northern Lights 16. Gone to a huge sports game 17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa 18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables 19. Touched an iceberg 20. Slept under the stars 21. Changed a baby’s diaper 22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon 23. Watched a meteor shower 24. Gotten drunk on champagne 25. Given more than you can afford to charity 26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 28. Had a food fight 29. Bet on a winning horse 30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 31. Asked out a stranger 32. Had a snowball fight 33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier 34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can 35. Held a lamb 36. Enacted a favorite fantasy 37. Taken a midnight skinny dip 38. Taken an ice cold bath 39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar 40. Seen a total eclipse 41. Ridden a roller coaster 42. Hit a home run 43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days 44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking 45. Adopted an accent for an entire day 46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment 48. Had two hard drives for your computer 49. Visited all 50 states 50. Loved your job for all accounts 51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced 52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 53. Had amazing friends 54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country 55. Watched wild whales 56. Stolen a sign 57. Backpacked in Europe 58. Taken a road-trip 59. Rock climbing 60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice 61. Midnight walk on the beach 62. Sky diving 63. Visited Ireland 64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love 65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them 66. Visited Japan 67. Benchpressed your own weight 68. Milked a cow 69. Alphabetized your records 70. Pretended to be a superhero 71. Sung karaoke 72. Lounged around in bed all day 73. Posed nude in front of strangers 74. Scuba diving 75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye 76. Kissed in the rain 77. Played in the mud 78. Played in the rain 79. Gone to a drive-in theater 80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it 81. Visited the Great Wall of China 82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog 83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better 84. Started a business 85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 86. Toured ancient sites 87. Taken a martial arts class 88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman 89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight 90. Gotten married 91. Been in a movie 92. Crashed a party 93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have 94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy 95. Gotten divorced 96. Had sex at the office 97. Gone without food for 5 days 98. Made cookies from scratch 99. Won first prize in a costume contest 100. Ridden a gondola in Venice 101. Gotten a tattoo 102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on 103. Rafted the Snake River 104. Been on television news programs as an “expert” 105. Got flowers for no reason 106. Masturbated in a public place 107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything 108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug 109. Performed on stage 110. Been to Las Vegas 111. Recorded music 112. Eaten shark 113. Had a one-night stand 114. Gone to Thailand 115. Seen Siouxsie live 116. Bought a house 117. Been in a combat zone 118. Buried one/both of your parents 119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off. 120. Been on a cruise ship 121. Spoken more than one language fluently 122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone 123. Bounced a check 124. Performed in Rocky Horror 125. Read - and understood - your credit report 126. Raised children 127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy 128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour - and got paid for it too! 129. Created and named your own constellation of stars 130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country 131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did 132. Called or written your Congress person 133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over 134. ...more than once? - More than thrice? 135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge 136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion or your female partner did 138. Had plastic surgery 139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived. 140. Wrote articles for a large publication - every day! 141. Lost over 100 pounds 142. Held someone while they were having a flashback 143. Piloted an airplane 144. Petted a stingray 145. Broken someone’s heart 146. Helped an animal give birth 147. Been fired or laid off from a job 148. Won money on a T.V. game show 149. Broken a bone 150. Killed a human being 151. Gone on an African photo safari 152. Ridden a motorcycle 153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph 154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced 155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol 156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 157. Ridden a horse 158. Had major surgery 159. Had sex on a moving train 160. Had a snake as a pet 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon 162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours 164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states 165. Visited all 7 continents 166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days 167. Eaten kangaroo meat 168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 169. Been a sperm or egg donor 170. Eaten sushi 171. Had your picture in the newspaper 172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime 173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about 174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 175. Gone back to school 176. Parasailed 177. Changed your name 178. Petted a cockroach 179. Eaten fried green tomatoes 180. Read The Iliad 181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read 182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them - hey it was college 183. ...and gotten 86’ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you 184. Taught yourself an art from scratch 185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt 187. Skipped all your school reunions 188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office 190. Written your own computer language 191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream 192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 193. Built your own PC from parts 194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you 195. Had a booth at a street fair 196. Dyed your hair 197. Been a DJ 198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal 199. Written your own role playing game 200. Been arrested

I have no idea why I titled this post what I did. I read the line somewhere, and it made me laugh pretty damn hard. And now, the story of my adventures on the way home from work. While making my way home, this overgrown 30-something punk rocker pulled up next to me at a stoplight in his little circa-1987 beat up Nissan hatchback that had flames down the sides. Admittedly, it was 10pm and I should've realized the freaks come out at night, but he was wearing driving gloves. That was quite possibly the worst part. He revved his engine (which must've angered the gerbils inside because they squeaked awfully loud when he did that), twisted his hands around the wheel like a motorcyclist gripping his handlebars and looked over at me. Since someone had to remind this guy exactly what he was behind the wheel of, I raced him to the next light. Let me rephrase that: I stepped down on my gas pedal of my little non-sports-model Honda and easily beat him to the next light, even staying (mostly) within the speed limit. He looked decidedly angry when he pulled up next to me again... apparently, his army of faithful gerbils failed him. In other news, I'm thoroughly addicted to this game. My current high score is 25.686 seconds.

When I was in college, there was a place in town called Bagel Depot. I loved the concept of Bagel Depot, even though I didn't take advantage of it too often, and I've thought of doing something similar if I had the drive and startup money to put this thing together in the right area. Bagel Depot was a success because it always had people in it, even if it was a money-laundering business for the mob. The store opened at 9:30pm, stayed open all night and then closed at 3:30pm, which was when the bakers came in to bake fresh bagels for the night. The brilliant part about it was that all the college students came in during the night, especially during finals, and then the regular townies came in for breakfast and lunch. Plus, the bagels were pretty damn decent, and the bakers didn't have to work the overnight shift like usual so the food was fresh for the morning -- the food had to be fresh at 9:30pm, so the bakers worked the evening shift. So... anyone got a few hundred thousand dollars lying around they want to loan me? UCLA is pretty close, and I'm sure there's some prime real estate around where a Bagel Depot would do well.

I knew it was going to be an off-kilter day when my alarm went off this morning and I couldn't tell if it was actually going off or if I was dreaming that it was going off. And dare I repeat myself about the whole 10 million people, second-largest city in the country, being able to avoid people thing? Twice in one week I've seen my ex now.

Chant with me now: Friday... Friday... Friday... Friday... Here's a Friday music blowout for the weekend. It's Freedom Rock, turn it up, man! A few high-powered tunes to get you through the day and, for all the young Jews, through the fast. May we all be inscribed for a good year... even the heathen Gentiles, but only if they right-click and save as. - The Cult - "She Sells Sanctuary (Extended Version)" - Buckcherry - "Anything, Anything" (a rare instance where I prefer the cover to the original... especially since I hear the original on KROQ like every five minutes) - The KLF - "Last Train to Transcentral" - Oasis - "Acquiesce" - Third Eye Blind - "Losing a Whole Year" - Our Lady Peace - "Starseed" Rock on, my gentle snowflakes.

I'm not quite sure what's more frustrating at this point, the fact that after six weeks of complaints to my godforsaken cable company (Adelphia, for those of you who are wondering), my cable problems have degenerated to the point where about 70% of my channels (including almost all of my movie channels) are unwatchable... or the demoralizing exercise in futility that is trying to get a date in this town. Either way, I have a slew of GMail invites to give out... come an' get it. Leave requests in the comments, s'il vous plait.

Why there should be a licensing exam that you need to pass in order to become a parent. For those of you who may not be able to see it, that's a cigarette she's smoking while she's berating the jackhammers for creating too much noise for her unborn baby. Because, of course, the occasional loud noise can hurt a baby so much more than nicotine and carcinogens being ingested into its mother's body.

In the second-largest city in the country, with a combined metro population of around 10 million people, you'd think I'd be able to avoid the people I don't want to see. So why is it that today, I managed to run into not just one of my ex-girlfriends, but also the rest of her family? The sad thing is that I wouldn't have even noticed it was them had one of her brothers not made an elaborate and inappropriate show of things, but then again, that kind of attitude seemed to run in the family and was one of the reasons why I broke up with her in the first place. In other news, remember the midget fascination I mentioned yesterday? Well, this commercial is not helping, especially since it's freakin' funny as hell. I think I must've watched it about 100 times in the past week. If you click on the Windows Media option, you can watch it without signing up for anything. Hotdoghotdoghotdoghotdog...

Top Five People On My Shitlist Today (in no particular order): 1. The old woman driving the Buick Grand Cruise Ship down Olympic today who decided she wanted to be in my lane while I was there. I swear, does my car have some kind of magnet on it that attracts people to try to merge into my lane right where I'm at, almost killing me? 2. Adelphia. Those fuckers can die. I've had a problem with my cable for like five weeks now, and I made my 10th phone call about it today. They still haven't fixed it. 3. The copyeditor at work who thinks he has editorial control over my stuff. Dude, just make sure the commas are in the right place and pass it on to Production. You have no right to enforce your will upon my work. My will be done! 4. The women who shot me down today. Don't you know what you're missing out on? 5. The loud drunk chick at the bar tonight who decided she was going to talk to me despite the fact I was already embroiled in a conversation with someone else, then proceeded to spill liquid on the jeans I'd just washed not three days ago. Top Five Things That Made Me Happy Today (in no particular order): 1. Time Bandits. Time-traveling midgets just crack me up. Damn it, that's a funny film. 2. Ahh, vodka. Nectar of the gods. 3. The metric assload of CDs that a co-worker dumped on me today, including the new disc from God Lives Underwater. I haven't heard from them in years, I thought they broke up. 4. The fact that I can sleep late tomorrow. Sleep is good. We like sleep. 5. It was cool again today -- I wore long sleeves! And when I woke up this morning, it was even a little cold in my apartment. Awww... it made me feel like I was back in the Northeast.

BASIC instructions for today as pertaining to my life: 10 Bang head against wall 20 Scream "AAAAAAAAUGH" 30 GOTO 10 Music always helps me work through it, so here's a little slice for you... right-click and save as, folks. Muse - Hysteria

If only for today -- since I'm told that later this week, temperatures will be close to 90 again -- it feels like fall, and I am ecstatic. The air is crisp and cool (not to mention that for the first time in months, it's below 70 degrees in my apartment), the wind is blowing a swift fall breeze, the leaves are swirling... if only this were continuing, I'd be a happy man. I miss fall. I love fall. Hell, if only for the fact that I like cool mornings and evenings and wearing jackets, I like fall. And the football games and the county fairs and Halloween and warm comforters. Yet another reason why my best friend is my best friend... she knows me too damn well. She saw this comic and mailed it to me because she thought of me as soon as she read it -- it even uses one of my favorite words.

Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and Mallory Lewis, Along With 'Lamb Chop,' Welcome Home Troops in Louisiana Congratulations, soldiers, you've just been over in Iraq for several months if not more than a year, surrounded by a bunch of men, fighting insurgency and the oppressive heat and loneliness, facing possible death on a regular basis... and helping to welcome you home is a puppet! A children's puppet! Be excited! Although I wonder if "Lamb Chop" is there as part of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders contingent and will be dressed appropriately fetchingly...

Five things I want to do before I kick off this planet (in no particular order): - Learn Spanish - Learn to rollerblade (learn how to do it well, and without causing myself too much bodily harm whenever I go out and do it) - Learn to play guitar (preferably rock-style) - Learn to surf - Be a stunt driver