Well, I may have taken Mom to a nice restaurant for her birthday, but I wound up with a nice present as well... seated at the next table over was the lovely and delicious Elizabeth Berkley, seen and enjoyed by many in such fine films as Showgirls.

Happy birthday, Mom. Despite all the nagging, all the times you've complained about playing referee between me and Dad (to the point where one of your friends actually got you a referee's shirt), the fact that you tell me things 16 times over even though I understood it the first time and then have to tell you not to bring it up anymore, the fact that you take such glee in making me crazy, all the times I had to patiently explain to you why something on the computer does what it does even though it made no sense to you and you'd forget in five minutes so I'd have to explain it again later, your unnatural obsession with pigs and various other things... I love you ever so much. P.S. I hope you appreciate the fact that I gave up going to the American Music Awards this weekend for you. In my world, that means a lot. -- Oh, and on a side note, remember those incredibly detailed directions that I left out for my dad so he'd be able to work the TV and TiVo? Within 2 minutes of turning on the TV, he'd already pressed a wrong button and had to wait for me to get home and fix it. I was not kidding when I said Eskimos are more technologically adept than my parents.

My parents have arrived. Apparently, it's incredibly obvious because when I got a phone call from them this afternoon telling me they'd arrived in Los Angeles, following the discussion with Mom, one of my co-workers came by and said, "So, your parents got in early?" I asked him, "How did you know?" He said, "I could tell -- you had that 'I'm dealing with Jewish parents' tone in your voice."

There is much craziness at Remix Central, given the Arrival of the Parental Units tomorrow. They're making their annual pilgrimage from the high desert to the urban sprawl that is Los Angeles for my mom's birthday, so I've had to prepare for their arrival (including leaving extremely detailed instructions on how to use the TiVo so Dad won't start just pushing buttons and erase everything). There will be Much Disapproval of the Way Keith is Living His Life™ and Much Instruction As to How to Do As They Say and Not as They Do™ over the next few days, so if anyone in the greater L.A. area hears screaming coming intermittently from the Westside, that'll be me. Speaking of Los Angeles, I have to ask -- how freakin' stupid do people have to be for this to be put in stores? Yes, in case you can't read the label in the pop-up, it says "fat free water" in two places -- once in standard print and then again in stylized script. I always thought that people were smart enough about the nutritional content of water -- in that it had none -- so they always ridiculed the fact that they actually had to print a label with all the zeroes on it for regular bottled water. As Lewis Black says in his most recent standup special, "That implies that there's water out there with chunks of fat in it, and I gotta find that because that's the tasty water." So, amidst the wailing and gnashing of teeth scheduled for the next few days, I offer you these musical gems. Right-click and save as, or I'll take out my pent-up rage from not screaming back at my parents on you. Matthew Good - "Alert Status Red" The Music - "Breakin'" Rustic Overtones - "C'mon" Reel Big Fish - "Hungry Like the Wolf" Bright Eyes - "Lover I Don't Have to Love (Radio Edit)" Erick Sermon featuring Redman - "React"

My list of imaginary celebrity girlfriends has become so long, I think it now qualifies as an imaginary harem. I wonder if I can get a tax break for that.

They told me there'd be no math involved in this thing. But I see division all over the place. Look, people, what's done is done. George W. Bush is our president for the next four years. Deal with it. That's the way a democracy works -- the majority of the people wanted him to stay, and those of us who supported Kerry lost. Look, we're basically in the same position that the Bushites would've been in had he lost. Every race has a winner and a loser. There's no second place in politics. So I have this to say to EVERYONE: Get over it. NOW. This kind of hatred flying around is just insane. Personally, I'm actually disgusted by some of the Kerryites' reactions, especially when the vitriol is as bitter as this. I thought we ran on a platform of trying to stay above the fray and run an honest campaign based on fact, not the mudslinging I'm seeing now. Because we're playing just as dirty as everyone else. And to the Republicans and their legions of supporters, get over it too. Politics is a passionate business. You can't expect us to lose and not be angry or upset about it, especially given how heated this election was. Everyone's got a right to their opinions, which is one of the things about America that's great, and everyone's got a right to express them. And yeah, I'm a victim of being de-linked by people I thought were friends despite opposing political views, but I still have a right to say and think what I want. To the people who are threatening to leave the country, I repeat what someone said during last Friday's episode of Real Time with Bill Maher: "True patriots won't run away because they lost. True patriots will stay and help fight for their turn next time. Take the energy you're devoting toward looking into immigration and direct it towards registering voters or raising funds or educating people for the next election." Yeah, I really have been semi-offered the chance to transfer within my company to Toronto, but I'm pretty sure I'm staying here, and the reasons why I'm considering going have very little to do with politics. Bush in power or not, I love America and being an American too much to ditch out. Step up, people. It's time to be Americans. Our land was built as a melting pot, remember? We're not all supposed to be the same.

Okay, I think there's a chance I may be officially out of control and must be stopped. People don't believe me when I tell them that I am so out of it in the mornings that it's not uncommon for me to walk into walls while I'm stumbling around my apartment in the morning. My parents and former roommates and ex-girlfriends will tell you that it's absolutely hilarious to watch me attempt to reach consciousness in the morning. I've accepted this. I am not a morning person. My inclinations lean towards the nighttime. That said, it was particularly disturbing to me that I'm so out of it tonight -- during the nighttime -- that I just threw away my garbage in my laundry hamper. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go sifting through all my dirty clothes for some bills that I just shredded.

I know, I know, the election's over and I should probably get off my soapbox. But I talked to a friend today who (unsuccessfully, unfortunately) ran for Congress in North Carolina and some of the things she said about the underhanded tactics the Republicans used against her just blew my mind. Among other things, she had to bring in an FBI handwriting specialist at one point to prove it wasn't her writing and signature on some documents her opponent's team forged to discredit her. And the reason why she was hit was because she had a recorded phone conversation with someone who admitted he was paid by her opponent to commit voter fraud. Either way, she said something that really hit it right on the mark, and I wanted to share it with you: I was on this radio call-in show, and a caller asked me why I was against the sanctity of marriage by supporting gay marriages and talked about how homosexuality is a sin. I said, "Do you want to talk about the sanctity of marriage? Okay, then let's really talk about the sanctity of marriage. Let's talk about how over half of the marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Let's talk about how adultery is committed by around 50% of all married people in the U.S. Adultery is a sin according to the Bible, so why isn't that outlawed? Why aren't we proposing Constitutional amendments banning adultery?"

Okay, yes, I've been upset about the outcome of the election. And yes, I've been guilty of forwarding around various silly anti-Bush e-mails... like the one that portrays all the red states as "Jesusland" and Canada and the blue states as "The United States of Canada." Quite frankly, I'm using humor to try and mask the fear and sadness that I'm feeling over the direction this country has taken. As I posted before here, this election for me was not about Bush being a vile, demonic despot who was running around launching bombs like a cartoon Texan fires his six-shooter into the air. This election for me was about accountability (thanks, Fran) and about getting someone into the White House who I felt had a better sense of this country's best interests and could execute them more effectively. As I wrote on Monday night, I just have too many unanswered questions about what exactly is going on regarding our country's policies and actions politically, fiscally and security-wise. And while Skits posted (and then took down) a rant regarding all the Christian-bashing that's going on right now, I feel that the issue needs to be brought to light. Look, the number one issue that influenced voters was "morality". And that, to me, is a very scary thing because it brings religion into the equation of politics, which should never happen. We are a major power in the world who incorporates religion into our government, it is extremely prevalent in our everyday lives, and it's such a divisive and exclusionary arena for many many people. I mean, you can't buy liquor on Sundays in most New England states because of religious reasons! What about those of us who don't subscribe to the Christian beliefs and morals that were the impetus for these kinds of rules? Why are you people forcing your morals on me? What happened to our separation of church and state? I heard way too much about God during the presidential election. "God bless America" and "may God bless us and keep us safe..." Personally, I don't believe God keeps me safe. I think a good security policy and intelligence services like the FBI and the CIA keep me safe (when they're being competent), and it scares me that we have a leader who believes that he can invoke divine protection to keep us safe rather than give adequate funding to Homeland Security. I come from a semi-unique perspective as I'm not Christian. I'm also not all that religious and I question the existence of God, which makes me Enemy No. 1 of all those religious conservatives who swung the vote. And yes, I have been approached by those who wish to "save" me or convert me. Of all the religions, Christianity proselytizes the most, and a lot of their methods disgust me. But what scares me the most is that this is supposed to be a land of freedom and diversity, but when our leader is elected on the basis of his religious beliefs and morals, that becomes exclusionary. From Reuters (in case you didn't click on the article): Religion was a bellwether. Weekly churchgoers voted for Bush by close to 2-1 margin, and Protestants who attend church regularly voted for Bush by 70-29 margin. MSNBC found that 78 percent of "white, evangelical, born-again Christians" voted for Bush, and those that described themselves as "white religious conservatives" gave him 96 percent of their votes.

Okay... so my eyes make me look like I'm a little overexcited at the prospect of having my picture taken with Lindsay Lohan, but in truth, there were about five flashes going off at the time and I was having a hard time not closing my eyes altogether. But either way, here we are. She was very nice and gracious, and she looked fabulous. I know, a bunch of you are asking about the boobs... and quite frankly, she's lost some weight and looks pretty thin, and the boobs have shrank with her, so I'm beginning to think that maybe... juuuuust maybe... they might be real. You never know.

2004: The year that will live in infamy. Bush was re-elected, but the Red Sox did win the World Series. I suppose two victories in Massachusetts this fall would've upset the delicate balance of things, and the state would've broken off and fallen into the Atlantic Ocean. Those who know me know that I have a particular affinity. So it's with mixed feelings that I'm going to a meet-and-greet Thursday night with Lindsay Lohan. Part of me is thinking, "Ooh, cute young redhead!" and another part of me is thinking, "Eww! Jailbait skank with size-20 fake boobs anchored to her chest!"

I think I just lost faith in the people of our country. Four more years of "terr-r" and "newkyewlur weapons." Yeah, it's about time to start making more firm plans to secede and form my own Island Nation. Edited to add: I still don't understand why people voted for Bush, and I don't know why people had to take such underhanded tactics in this race -- I guess I'm just an idealist and trust in the underlying principles of democracy in respect to the latter. A co-worker who lives in Florida told me that residents were getting phone calls, telling them polling places were destroyed in the hurricane and to wait until the day after Election Day, when they'd be told where to go. The Election Committee had to go on TV there, telling people that wasn't the case at all and they weren't calling anyone and that polling places were open. Someone told me they were voting for Bush because he put more money into their pocket. And I ask -- at whose expense? Sooner or later, that's going to come around and bite everyone in the ass. Like I said yesterday, we're running a record deficit, and we're only pumping billions of dollars into Iraq that we're not getting back. Where's this money coming from? That's right -- essential services! Not only are things like after-school programs being cut, but so are things like funding to police and fire departments. So you may be getting more money back in your own pocket, but does that really console you when your house is burning down or being robbed and the police or the fire department can't reach you because they have too few people on staff and their resources are stretched too thin? And as far as the security of the entire country goes, Jon Stewart said it best last night when he said, "Kerry won by a good lead in New York -- even the people most affected by 9/11 don't think Bush is doing a good job keeping us safe!" At least we won't have to deal with Bush in the next election.

Election Day is around 20 minutes away from being done, and, as one of my co-workers predicted, we still haven't decided on who our President will be for the next 4 years. I spent an hour and a half on a line at the polls today, and it was like Revenge of the Uppity Middle-Aged Housewives and Self-Righteous Old White Men. My polling place was in a carpet store, so people kept ducking out of line to check carpet samples. Some guy was on his cell phone, so some other guy went off on him and kept yelling at him, "You're being very rude and disturbing all of us! Take your conversation outside!" Tensions were running high indeed. The thing is, I became furious when 6pm Pacific Time rolled around and polls on the East Coast closed, they started calling states almost immediately -- before the polls here on the West Coast closed, possibly influencing voters (not that it really mattered in the end, I suppose, but the principle is still valid). Didn't we go through this last time? Didn't all the networks specifically agree that they wouldn't start calling states early based on the 2000 election debacle? I will be happy when all this is over. I can only hope we come out of it for the better. But if the myriad of sirens I hear down the street as I write this is any indication, things won't be getting better anytime soon.

Okay, I promised myself I'd be apolitical and just urge people to exercise their right to vote and only say that this is the most important election of our lives thus far. And I still believe that it is. And I still believe that the best way we can support our troops and show our patriotism is to vote and that patriotism means reveling in the freedoms provided by our country -- but it doesn't mean we have to blindly follow our leaders. So I urge you all... VOTE. But as you do enter the voting booth, please ask yourselves some questions as you prepare to vote. And I happen to have a few on hand for you to run through... - On September 12, 2001, our leaders pointed the finger at Osama bin Laden and said, "He's the one responsible for this, and we're going to bring him to justice. He can run, but he can't hide." So... where is he? - After pointing the finger at Osama bin Laden and then saying they weren't going to rest until justice was served and we got him, our leaders then took us to war with Iraq, where over a thousand of our troops have died and soldiers are being recalled after their tours are over and it seems we're becoming embroiled in this Vietnam-like fiasco. What happened to the quick and decisive victory? What happened to "Mission Accomplished"? - We were told that we were going to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction that could be used against us. So... where are they? - When Bush took office, our country had a $2 trillion budget surplus -- one of the largest on record. Right now, we have a $3.5 trillion deficit -- also one of the largest on record. That means that we ran through $5.5 trillion in 4 years, and unemployment is still higher than it was when Bush took office. So... where'd the money go? And on top of that, why did Bush just sign a bill not even two weeks ago that gave big companies even more tax breaks? - When Clinton left office, his advisers told Bush's people that terrorism was a high threat and they should take action against Al Qaeda. Bush ignored it all and went on vacation -- one of the longest a president has taken. Then, a few months later, 9/11. Our intelligence and our defenses failed us. And rather than take blame for letting us down, our government suddenly made it so that questioning their actions was unpatriotic. So... how did they let that day happen without taking any blame? Do you really want four more years of unanswered questions?

Happy November. Actually, as I write this, there's still one more hour of October left, and thank Jeebus for that, because Cartoon Network is running like SIX HOURS of Aqua Teen Hungerforce on Adult Swim. How cool is that? We've all survived another month, but Tuesday may be the day that kills us all. Personally, I'm hoping that we can all vote for our respective candidates without rioting, but I have little faith in the American public. Either way... please let me stress this: VOTE. Vote vote vote -- do it, but do it only once. As I said before, how can we go around the world trying to instill democracy in other countries when we don't even practice it ourselves? At least vote to support our troops trying to build democracy in Iraq. Okay, so Brooks is organizing this monthly music-blog thing, and this month's List of 10 is Top 10 Roadtrip Songs. Here goes, in no particular order: - "Life is a Highway" by Tom Cochrane - "Leaving Town" by Dexter Freebish - "Open Road Song" by Eve 6 - "Running on Empty" by Jackson Browne - "I Woke Up in a Car" by Something Corporate - "Radar Love" by Golden Earring - "Heads Carolina, Tails California" by Jo Dee Messina - "Take the Long Way Home" by Supertramp - "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman - "Route 66/Behind the Wheel Megamix" by Depeche Mode Edited to add: There's a whole bunch o' people doing this list of songs thing, so check them out too: Alien Fur, Bitchalicious, Brooks Blog, Cheleblog, The Dune Shack, I See Monsters, Meghan's Deep Thoughts, Sheets & Blankets, Shoulda Said, Ultrablog and Write On Megs.