Yes, I know my comments are broken.  Yes, I know my website is slightly damaged.  Spammers were bad, my host was mean to me, and I’m battling off a cold.  I’ve taken enough Airborne to make my bodily fluids turn bright neon.

Not even that, but I was subjected to the worst possible ‘80s cover band of all time tonight.  I went to the 93.1 Jack FM launch party tonight at the Continental Hyatt on the Sunset Strip [Ed. note: Yes, the place referred to as “The Riothouse,” also as mentioned in Almost Famous], and among the mingling were several character actors dressed up as Madonna, Rod Stewart, Mick Jagger and Gwen Stefani (though we couldn’t really decide if she was supposed to be Gwen Stefani or Cyndi Lauper).  I mean, how do you make a living as a character actor?  Does someone remark to you one day that you look like Mick Jagger, so you up and decide that’s how you’re going to make a living?  But I digress, because then… then… this band took the stage.  Four guys—one dressed as The Cure’s Robert Smith, one dressed as Prince (who actually removed his shirt during “Let’s Go Crazy” and left it off), one dressed as one of the yellow-suited guys from Devo, and one dressed as Fast Times at Ridgemont High‘s Jeff Spicoli.  To be fair, the Spicoli guy did actually look halfway decent.  But Jesuchristo, the cheese factor was cranked way up past Velveeta.

Okay, and speaking of Jesuchristo, check out VH1 Classic on Sunday as they mix the two great tastes that taste great together: Jews and hard rock.  The tender folks at VH1 Classic are bringing them both to the Passover seder table as Dee Snider hosts Matzo and Metal: A Very Classic Passover along with Twisted Sister partner-in-Judaism JJ French, Anthrax’s Scott Ian and Mountain’s Leslie West.  The quartet will discuss their rich, full Jewish heritage and their music industry experiences on a program that is sponsored by—who else?—Manischewitz.  Don’t believe me?  Click here.  I’m not kidding.

Note to self: It is completely acceptable, upon looking out of your office window and seeing a U.S. Air Force stealth bomber flying right past the building you work in at almost the same height you are, to simultaneously feel excited about seeing something that not many people see... and also to suddenly wonder whether the 41st floor of a very prominent- and distinctive-looking building in the second-largest city in the country might be the safest place to be at that particular time.

So, as I was filling my gas tank tonight and cleaning my windshield, I noticed the fine yellow powder covering my car.  I’m not getting sick—spring is here, and my allergies are in full bloom.  Hooray!

Well, Pisser sent me these here five questions for this meme that I’m s’posed to answer.  And then you folks comment on how witty yet asinine I am, and then you leave your requests in the comments to have me send you five questions if you want to participate.  That is, if anyone’s reading this drivel.  And now, on with the countdown.

Questions:
1. What are your favorite songs by joke bands? That is, your favorite funny songs? Ha-ha funny, not just funny-sounding.

2. Is Tucson the hell I’ve heard it rumored to be or is it a cool place to live? Would you retire there or somewhere else? Not that you’re old or anything.

3. If you could play Switcheroo, that is, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (or, if you prefer, Freaky Friday - the Jodie Foster version, NOT! the Lindsay Lohan one, thank you very much) with someone else’s person for a day, who would you pick and why?

4. Have you ever fallen for someone who reminded you of your mother?

5. Why, from the male perspective, is it so hard to find a partner in L.A.?

Answers:

1. What are your favorite songs by joke bands? That is, your favorite funny songs? Ha-ha funny, not just funny-sounding.

I have a big soft spot for “Happy Boy” by The Beat Farmers (hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba), and I also like “Wienerschnitzel” by The Descendants.  The latter was nicely featured in Pump Up the Volume, for all you little Christian Slater freaks out there.

“Would you like fries with that?  NO!”

2. Is Tucson the hell I’ve heard it rumored to be or is it a cool place to live? Would you retire there or somewhere else? Not that you’re old or anything.

Umm.  There are parts of Tucson that are really nice, and there are parts of Tucson that are really ghetto.  Apparently, drunk driving is a big problem there—every time I venture out onto the roads of Tucson, I see the aftermath of an accident.  And the weather?  Forget it.  They literally have monsoons where the skies will open and it will pour—there’s a stupid motorist law in effect where if you drive into a dip in the road that’s overrun with water and your car gets stuck, you have to pay to get your car out.  Plus, the summer is just GHASTLY—it may be a dry heat, but it’s still 120 fucking degrees!  It’s like sticking your head in an oven, but it’s still a dry heat!  And as much as I bash the bar scene in Los Angeles due to its pretentiousness, I appreciate the fact that you can’t smoke indoors in L.A.—I went to a bar with a friend in Tucson and must’ve breathed in a pack of cigarettes without smoking a single one myself.

On the other hand, Tucson can be a really nice place.  They have the U of A right there, so there’s a lot it can offer, like classes and shows and stuff.  Plus, it’s not completely overrun with cityscapes and spread way the hell out like Los Angeles, and there’s not so much light pouring out of the city that when I arrive in Tucson at night, I can see soooooo many stars.  And while I’ve yet to see any wildlife whatsoever within 100 miles of L.A., I regularly see deer, coyotes, roadrunners, hawks, chipmunks and rabbits running free in the Tucson area.

3. If you could play Switcheroo, that is, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (or, if you prefer, Freaky Friday - the Jodie Foster version, NOT! the Lindsay Lohan one, thank you very much) with someone else’s person for a day, who would you pick and why?

Hmm… surprisingly enough, now that you’ve brought up her name, I think I might actually pick Lindsay Lohan.  It might be interesting to see what life is like for someone who’s so well-recognized and so rich and popular that she can get pretty much whatever she wants whenever she wants it.  Plus, I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a woman—even though I’m QUITE happy being a man, thankyouverymuch.  There’s no way in hell I’m sitting down to pee in a public restroom.

4. Have you ever fallen for someone who reminded you of your mother?

Antistereotypically for a Jewish guy, no.  And I don’t see the appeal of Asian women either, which seems to be another way I go against the grain of being a Jewish guy, since it seems almost a genetic thing.  Almost all my male Jewish friends (and my father) find Asian women incredibly attractive.  I do not.

While I do look for people who have personality attributes that my mom has, they are also personality attributes that I have and that my friends mostly have as well, since I like to surround myself with people who I get along with.  I tend to fall for women who have that evil gleam in their eye and appreciate fun and merriment as much as I do, yet have a brain in their heads that actually works.  While my mom could fit that general description, I’m sure there’s tons of other women who could as well. 

5. Why, from the male perspective, is it so hard to find a partner in L.A.?

Because most women here are so shallow.  Everyone’s so concerned with image and what people can do for them.  I don’t drive an Escalade, I don’t own a big house in the Hollywood Hills, I don’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and I don’t look like Brad Pitt.  I might as well be The Invisible Man here, especially since there are a number of guys here who do embody all those characteristics, and I’m up against them in the battle for women’s affections—who do you think is going to win at first impression?

So, one of my co-workers managed to bring back The Plague� from a business trip, and I think I’m beginning to come down with it.  I was tired and a little stuffed up yesterday, and I woke up this morning with a sore throat.  I hate being sick, although another one of my co-workers is very odd and enjoys the feeling of being sick.  (She’s nuts, by the way.) A couple of people have recommended that I try this stuff called Airborne, which apparently is supposed to help you fight off a cold if you catch it early enough in its run.  Has anyone used it?  Can you recommend it?

Naturally, once I posted some odd search strings that led people here, I got even more strange ones this morning.  Enjoy these samples:
- drawing a peanut shape
- you’re so 56 today
- all pink decorations for ladies party
- zoloft beer

Some random searches that led people here, for some inexplicable reason:

- make yourself a dang quesadilla
- what makes your stomach hurt (Ed. note: A lot of things, including too many Cadbury creme eggs)
- i like my me like i like my coffee
- new song torture
- birthday warped humour (Ed. note: Yes, more Canadians!)
- whoopi goldberg eyebrows (Ed. note: That’s the problem, she doesn’t have any)
- cracked out people in los angeles
- you still make lemonade taste like a summer day
- download the milk song skateboarding farmers
- enemies of reality

Regarding Fever Pitch:  Yes, I’ve been asked by many if I’m going to see it.  And the answer is… I’m not quite sure. 

I am a Red Sox fan.  That much is apparent.  Pisser still teases me about when the Sox won an ALCS game last season on a night when I was working late, and I went running through the office leaving a Doppler-effect trail of “sweeeeeeeeeeet...” behind me.  However, I still take issue with the movie being made in general.

Fever Pitch is based very, very loosely on Nick Hornby’s book—which was already made into a movie in 1997 starring Colin Firth (women may now commence the swooning that usually and inexplicably occurs when his name is mentioned) that followed his book a little more closely than this one does, and it also doesn’t make the lead character look like a blithering idiot like the 2005 version appears to.

My heart aches for something really, truly original to come out of Hollywood that isn’t a remake.  I think that’s why I watched The Incredibles for the third time in as many weeks over the weekend.

10 random songs from iTunes:

1. “Baby Please Don’t Go” - Them
2. “Subdivisions” - Rush
3. “State of Love and Trust” - Pearl Jam (my favorite PJ song!)
4. “Volare” - Gypsy Kings
5. “Playground” - Another Bad Creation
6. “Starseed” - Our Lady Peace
7. “Jam on It” - Newcleus
8. “On Your Shore” - Enya
9. “The Number Song (Cut Chemist Party Mix)” - DJ Shadow
10. “Paint it Black” - The Rolling Stones (my favorite RS song!)

Okay, for all you people out there who kept criticizing John Kerry during Election ‘04 for overusing the phrase “I have a plan"… do you honestly believe this moronic “culture of life” catch-phrase is any better?

If I hear that one more time, I may have to head to DC to teach these lunatic talking heads about the culture of my fist in their mouths.

So we occasionally have people come up to our office to perform for us.  Today, a guy came in and a bunch of us had lunch with him—he’s an extremely talented actor, singer, songwriter, dancer, pianist and guitarist… and he’s way nicer and much cooler than his character on ER.  However, I was more interested in his role in Band of Brothers, but I was told that he’s most recognized from his time on Party of Five.  Ladies and gentlemen… me and Scott Grimes.

Tomorrow, I have afternoon coffee with Theory of a Deadman, and then I get to see them and a band who put out one of my favorite albums from last year (Breaking Benjamin) perform live—and then hit an afterparty with Breaking Benjamin.

Okay, yes, I’m bragging, but I can say that I’m probably one of the only (if not the only) person from the small town I grew up to be able to do this kind of stuff.  It gives me a nice little rush to be able to do this stuff and think that the people who tortured me in high school are working their boring desk jobs—and one of them’s even in jail!

A little somethin' to help you get your groove on for this idle Thursday. Right-click and save as, homequiches. Word. BRAT Productions - "Big Shot Pimping" (Billy Joel vs. Jay-Z)

One of the benefits of living in L.A. is that you occasionally get to see things and places on TV that you encounter in real life. And if you -- like me -- are lucky enough to work in a distinctive-looking building, you just might be watching a major network show and see your building be used as the offices of one of the characters. Yeah, I wonder if the neighbors thought something was wrong when I suddenly started screaming at the TV tonight.

Okay, people. Look, here's the definition of a compact car. So all of you schmucks out there who drive SUVs and huge-ass cars and think you can park in spaces clearly labeled "COMPACT," here's your warning. Any more of this crap, and I'm taking chainsaws to your automobiles to cut them down to compact-car size. In other news -- Pope John Paul II, Prince Rainier of Monaco, Frank Purdue, Johnnie Cochran, Saul Bellow... looks like God is putting out a massive recall.

Despite the 12-hour workday and the high-pressure deadlines and the 2,000 words I had to write and the endless glavin, today actually was a really good day at work. Mostly because I had a lot of fun and I got to torture a few people with practical jokes. For example, a co-worker of mine has a clock on her wall that she hadn't updated to daylight-saving time because, well, she's too short to reach the clock, and she had just been mentally adding an hour whenever she looked at the clock for the past two days. So it was with much glee that, while she was away from her office for a few minutes, I set her clock two hours ahead -- DST plus one. The resulting panic attack she had half an hour later set me and another one of my co-workers off into laughter so hard that my stomach hurt. My company moved into new offices a little over a month ago, and the previous tenant of our space was Comedy Central. If it wasn't obvious to me before, it was today, when I finally realized that the old nameplate for one of the tiny, tiny supply closets had been left up from the Comedy Central era. They didn't label it "Supply Closet," the nameplate read "Milton Waddams." Finally, while looking for a picture of Jesus wearing headphones for a column (don't ask, long story), I ran across this picture on the Internets. Would someone please tell me what this guy was trying to accomplish by constructing and then wearing this contraption?

Well, Keith said I could make teensy mods to the blog, so unless you're silly you will be delighted to note that you can now see who has posted an entry. Now, just ask yourself whether I am actually Nox or whether Keith has cracked under the pressure of living in L.A. and just bestowed her personality on one of the voices in his head.

So, it appears that I failed my unconscious goal of offending everyone I came into contact with today... mostly because some of the people I consort with are of like mind and appreciate warped humor, but then there are those who just don't appreciate a good dead pope reference. Oh, and for the Andy Rooney fans out there? I was being nice when I called him "curmudgeonly." You may now take offense. Yeah, yeah, going to hell, driving the bus there, blah blah blah. Spring really has arrived in Los Angeles, and it appears the fog that has been shrouding my brain for months is finally beginning to lift. The evil gleam is returning to my eye, and I'm feeling more like my old self again. The thing is, I never really believed in Seasonal Affective Disorder or any of these fancy psychological issues that face America today (even though my B.A. is in Psychology -- mostly because the human mind fascinates me... and learning about it gives me more ideas about how to twist others. I hate people, but I love gatherings! Isn't it ironic?). I often wonder how the people of yesteryear dealt with life as they knew it without Prozac, Paxil or Zoloft. I suppose it's because they were too busy dodging witch accusations and being eaten by bears to really worry about the spankings they were getting in school and absentee fathers who spent all their time out harvesting tobacco so they didn't have time to spend at home being loving dads -- and how all that would affect them in later lives. Our bears are caged, our witches have Constitutional protection so we can't burn them, and our tobacco is harvested for us and sold at 7-11s around the country, so I guess the only thing we really do have to stress about anymore is missing the latest episode of America's Top Model because we forgot it moved to Friday (unless, of course, TiVo got it for us -- then we have nothing to worry about). So much for the frontier spirit of America. The Monroe Doctrine and Manifest Destiny™ died years ago -- it's been replaced by commercialism and the need for a Starbucks on every corner and a Walmart in every mall.