With my brain in completely disarray, I did what I usually do when things are not right in Keithland—I cleaned. And things must’ve been really scrambled in my head because this is the cleanest my apartment has looked in a good long while. Not only that, but I also went through some closets and cabinets to clean and organize some stuff in there too. Sadly, the experience didn’t bring me the inner shine that I’d hoped would reflect the living area shine. All it brought me was a sliced-up and bleeding right hand (don’t ask—cleaning’s a dangerous art) and more questions… including why the hell do I have an air filter for a 2001 Acura Integra, a car I’ve never owned?
Meanwhile, I’m happy that retailers at least held off until November to roll out the Christmas decorations and radio stations waited until after Halloween to kick off the all-Christmas playlists, but I’m still bah-humbuging and grumbling that the season is still starting too early. Does anyone else remember when the day after Thanksgiving marked the beginning of the Christmas season? Not only that, but it seems some people are getting a little pushy about it, like the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, who are claiming that Wal-Mart is discriminating against Christmas and asking for an apology because the company is “insulting Christians by effectively banning Christmas” since Wal-Mart has decided to go the multifaith route with their generic “Happy Holidays” greetings.
Being Jewish, I’m a little oversensitive to having Christmas foisted on me, but according to a press release I got today from VH1, it’s apparently “never been hipper to be a Jew,” what with Madonna’s foray into Kabbalah and Jon Stewart becoming America’s newest sex symbol. Yes, we do have some pretty notable ranks, which has been pounded into all of our heads by Adam Sandler, but now VH1 is bursting with fruit flavor to bring you So Jewtastic! this holiday season. From the press release: “The show will answer questions like: Are Jews crunk? [Ed. note: Sure, why not? The Beastie Boys opened that door, and now the rest of us are just pouring through it] and what’s the deal with Jewish stereotypes (Money, Sex and Sports)? [Ed. note: Well, stereotypes usually come about because there’s a shred of truth to them. We’re rich, we’re great in bed, and most of us have absolutely no aptitude for sports whatsoever. Oh, and we control Hollywood, so we get to make ourselves look good in the media.] Thanks to a mensch-laden panel of pundits, yentas and moils, So Jewtastic will also circumcise the old ideas about Jewish mothers, de-Jewing your name and figure out once and for all why Jews are so funny. So put down that gefilte fish and pop open some Manischewitz, being Jewish has never been So Jewtastic!”
And there’s one more reason for me to destroy MTV Networks when I take over the world. In the meantime, enjoy these sonic selections as pertaining to my mindset. Right-click and save as, my fellow holiday shoppers.
The Pixies - “Where Is My Mind?”
Blink 182 - “I Won’t Be Home for Christmas”
Here’s a simple math problem for you to figure out: How much alcohol (or, if it’s drugs, how many drugs and which specific kinds) would you have to consume over what period of time to not only do this, but also to allow someone to videotape it and post it online? Factor in x = peer pressure and y = boredom.
My next questions are… what do you tell the nurses and doctors at the hospital, and would an HMO cover the resulting expenses?
Given TV networks’ propensity for putting on the most mindless and dumb programming known to man (*cough* Stacked *cough*) and cancelling pretty much all of the quality programming after like a month (giving viewers just enough time to really become interested in the show and then depressed when it’s cruelly ripped away from us), I’ve decided that show development at a TV network can’t be that hard. At this point, I believe that the ideas from about half of the shows on the air come from Mad Libs. The formula appears to be something like this: [B-list actor] is married/has kids/is a single parent and lives with/next door to [wacky relative] in [city] and is employed in a Regular Person’s job as a [average hard-working profession we never see them working at], hilarity ensues. Conversely, we also have the formula of: [Number] 20somethings living in [city, preferably New York] in a huge apartment they’d never be able to afford in real life, spending their time at [local hangout], working as [jobs we never see them doing], wacky adventures ensue.
That said, I’d like to offer these modest (read: off-kilter) proposals for the 2006 network lineup. Should ABC, NBC, CBS or Fox wish to contact me about paying me for my creative genius or buying any of my ideas, contact me. UPN and the WB, you guys have no cash, so just stick to the Mad Libs formula.
- Des Moines secedes from the United States. The show centers around two Des Moinesland Border Guards bored out of their minds and their attempts to amuse themselves when they realize that no one wants to go to Des Moinesland, so they have a lot of free time on their hands. Wacky adventures and hilarity ensue.
- A family in 1960s Houston comes into possession of one of the monkeys NASA shot into space. The monkey inexplicably develops the ability to throw darts, and one day the family plays the lottery based on the numbers on where the darts land on a number board, winning millions of dollars. They then use this money to go around preventing all kinds of disasters in the area that the monkey predicts by throwing darts at a board labeled with various crimes and people’s first names. Wacky adventures ensue.
- Two words: CSI: Boise.
- A hard-working high-powered career guy who never has any time for his family is hit by a bus, killed and reincarnated as his family’s new dining room table. Dad becomes intricately involved in the lives of his kids as he talks with them every day, listening to what’s going on in their lives and giving them advice, but he doesn’t want Mom to know and gets frustrated watching her date various guest-stars. The table can be voiced by Daniel Stern. Hilarity ensues.
The masochism continues. 25 more JDate e-mails sent out, 1 bounceback because the woman apparently doesn’t like me and blocked any communication from me and 24 lack of responses. It’s not like I’m not trying here, but a bit of a positive outcome might be nice. Meanwhile, I grow tired of seeing the same, tired statements in profile after profile… things like:
- “I work hard but I also play hard.”
- “I look good in a cocktail dress but also in jeans.”
- “I’m a girly girl but can also party with the boys.”
Meanwhile, unlike the story in this song, my grammar isn’t getting me anywhere. Right-click and save as, homeys.
Everyone should take a moment today to mark this great anniversary that is occurring today. Not many people know about it, but it’s truly an event that changed human history as we know it. Time travel was invented 50 years ago today.
That’s right. Remember that girl who asked me whether there were non-fiction time travel stories in the book I was reading? She was spot-on. I shouldn’t have ridiculed her in my head… or on my site. Because on Saturday, November 5, 1955, Dr. Emmett Brown was standing on his toilet while hanging a clock, but the porcelain was wet and he slipped and hit his head—and when he came to, he had a revelation. A vision. A picture in his head. A picture of the flux capacitor, which is what makes time travel possible.
Congratulations, Dr. Brown, on the 50th anniversary of your momentous event. You truly are a Real American Hero, and I salute you.
Three Bands You Should Be Listening to But Probably Aren’t:
1. The Lovemakers: A trio who describe their music as “electronic/rock dance music with a passionate, sexually charged fury.” It’s new wave for a new generation. And it fucking rocks. They’re on tour right now, so go see them at a venue near you and then pick up their album.
2. Matthew Good Band (and now, Good’s solo act): Why is it that we only pay attention to the Canadian bands we can make fun of? Matthew Good (and his now-defunct Band) does great stuff—some of it out-loud rockin’, some of it mellow, all of it poignant and quality material… definitely not someone to curse Canada for sending down here.
3. The Music: And no, I don’t listen to them just because I like the look of confusion on people’s faces when they ask me what I’m listening to and I reply, “The Music.” Since I first heard their first album, I’ve said that if Led Zeppelin were still around today, they’d be The Music. Complex rhythms, driving beats and the lead singer matches Robert Plant for soaring vocals. I’ve seen them live three times, and they rock just as much live as they do on disc, which is the sign of a true artist.
Oh, my fortune cookie fortune (see below) is probably correct, but it’s leading me in… interesting, shall we say… directions. Like the pharmacist who attempted to kind of ask me out when I picked up my prescription tonight. Sadly, the pharmacist… was a guy. It was flattering, but I don’t swing that way.
And now, the most interesting question heard today, courtesy of The Colbert Report: “Ohio has given birth to 22 astronauts. What is it about this state that makes people want to flee the Earth?”
My fortune from the fortune cookie I got at lunch:
At the end of the month, you will be noticed and your popularity will reach its peak… in bed.
In an inexplicable and alarming display of masochism, I have signed myself back up for JDate. It’s been 9 months since I was in the saddle, and I guess I don’t have enough in my life that’s causing me strife at the moment, so why not shove red-hot pokers into my love life as well?
Let me tell you—it’s already been a little slice. So far, I’ve gotten two “ignore” system responses (because I guess my IMs of “hi” were a little too offensive for some), sent out four read-but-unanswered e-mails, got a tease from a 41-year-old woman in Baltimore (well outside my posted age range and both her and my profiles say “I will not relocate for a match") and exchanged terse e-mails with JDate Central because the search function wasn’t working for me (and they still haven’t been able to explain why or fix it). On the upside, I did have a very nice IM chat with Annabel Lee, who confirms that the IM function is actually working for me. But I guess being shot down numerous times is what happens when you post this as your picture.
Dear World,
How am I supposed to function on a daily basis and actually, you know, accomplish stuff when you keep presenting me with such chickenfuckery that it makes me need to sit down and breathe normally instead of doing the Hulk Smash—or, at the very least, hold a symposium on the topic being addressed? Take, for example, the lovely example of a woman who was sitting next to me at dinner a couple of nights ago. I’m not usually the kind of guy who flirts shamelessly with people sitting at tables around me—I leave that up to people in sitcoms—but if the opportunity presents itself, why not? So when she took it upon herself to ask me what I was reading, I thought, “Hmm… she’s interested in what I’m reading. Maybe that means she’s a reader, and she’s interested in someone else who reads! Bonus! Let’s see where this goes.” I lifted up the book and showed her the front so she could read the title: The Best Time Travel Short Stories of the 20th Century. I figured this would sound off alarm bells that I like science fiction (which does, oddly enough, turn off some people), so if she responds in kind, that’s a Good Thing™.
Her facial expression wasn’t signalling revulsion! This was good! So then it made it all the worse when the next question out of her mouth was, “Oh… is that all fiction, or are there some non-fiction stories in there too?”
Love,
Keith
1 Giant Leap featuring Robbie Williams & Maxi Jazz - “My Culture”
Right-click and save as, homeslices.