Words cannot express my joy at being able to use the word “chickenfucker” on a hapless idiot tonight.
I was on my way home from work (and post-work drinking). Followed the same route I always do. Made the same lane changes as I always do in the same places, since I’ve been taking the same route for 2 years and know where it’s best to get over into which lane. And, as I always do, I crossed Wilshire Boulevard and made a right turn into the Ralph’s parking lot to get to the alley behind my apartment building where my garage is. And right after I made the turn into the parking lot is when the car in front of me slammed on his brakes.
So I slammed on mine so as not to rear-end him. I was pissed off… and a little surprised when the guy got out of his car and came back to my driver’s door—at first, I thought maybe he was lost and needed directions and he was just a bad driver which is why he stopped short. Then I saw the angry expression on his face, and I was thinking, What the hell did I do? Thinking this guy would not be insane enough to try and mug me or shoot me or carjack me in a well-lit and well-populated parking lot, I rolled down my window.
“Why the hell have you been following me?” he yelled at me. I heard the words, but they were not being processed correctly in my brain, so I said, “What?” and he repeated himself, speaking loudly and slowly as if I didn’t speak English and was one of those people who thought that enunciating and yelling would suddenly make someone understand the language. Again: “Why. The hell. Have you. Been. Following. Me?” And having not had the best of days, I was already on guard, so I unleashed the fury—addressing him as “chickenfucker,” I carefully explained to him how I lived on the other side of the supermarket and was on my way home, he didn’t have to be so fucking paranoid to automatically think I was following him, and if he didn’t want a scene, he should get in his goddamned car and get the hell out of my way so I can get home.
Properly chastised, he did meekly go back to his car and continued through the parking lot, allowing me to pass so I could get home—although watching to make sure that I actually did head into my garage. But I think I was most pissed off at the fact that he didn’t even apologize.
By the way? Everybody may not know it, but the world really is full of stupid people.
The Refreshments - “Banditos”
Don’t be a dick, right-click.
Yes, it’s almost the end of the day here, despite the fact that it’s three hours earlier back in Honolulu. But having been there this year, I have to comment.
When you’re at Pearl Harbor, before you actually go over to the Arizona Memorial, they show you a movie that is perhaps one of the most unbiased depictions of what happened leading up to the attack. What many don’t know (or forgot from their high school social studies class) is that in early 1941, the U.S. cut off oil sales to Japan… basically forcing them into a position where they had to attack us because they were running out of oil. And as far as that whole thing about “why didn’t we know they were coming,” we actually did know they were coming. Radar installations on Oahu tracked the incoming flight of Japanese Zeroes, but a lieutenant in charge of the radar station — who was on his first day on the job — dismissed the report, thinking that it was a scheduled flight of B-17s inbound from U.S.S. Enterprise that were slated to come in that morning.
But what’s most striking is when you walk outside and see Pearl Harbor itself. The real Pearl Harbor, not a black-and-white film replete with explosions and smoke and fire. You walk out to a peaceful day presented in color, with trees and blue water and green grass and a sunny sky, and realize that on the morning of December 7, 1941, things probably looked an awful lot like what you’re seeing.
Ironically, they’ve set up U.S.S. Missouri right next to the remains of U.S.S. Arizona, so you have the beginning of World War II right next to the end of the war. It’s an interesting dichotomy.
I hope that you are all able to get out to Hawaii and experience it for yourself at some point. Pearl Harbor is truly an incredible site and sight.
List of Things This Jew Will Do to Ruin Christmas:
1. Tell kids that Santa is a slave laborer and that elves don’t really exist—they’re just misunderstood midgets.
2. Decorate a giant holiday tree in a mall store with tin foil creations shaped like animals that actually have leftover food inside them, then let the food slowly go bad and stink up the place.
3. Convince people to help me make reindeer by catching real deer and stapling red noses on them.
4. Call the ACLU and then hold a press conference to announce I’m suing the Vatican because my holiday isn’t being represented on the same level as Christmas.
5. Club a baby seal in public.
6. Wake up at 4am every day between now and Christmas and go around with a boombox Lloyd Dobler-style, waking everyone up by blasting Spinal Tap’s “Christmas With the Devil” and that stupid “Christmas Wrapping” song by The Waitresses over and over and over and over…
Linkin Park - “My December”
Right-click and save as.
If not by design, then by accident, the holiday season will put most single people into the bah-humbug spirit. Mid-November to mid-February, in addition to being cold and dark (for most of the nation, at least), is a constant reminder for single people that, no, we don’t have a significant other with which to deflect questions from family members about when we’re settling down at Thanksgiving, there’s no one to smooch under the mistletoe (or, for the Jewish contingent, in front of the menorah), there’s no one to share that tender stroke-of-midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve, and there’s no one to take out and spend a metric assload of money on for Valentine’s Day.
Me? I’m in the rare sect known as being the Odd-Numbered Wheel. Almost all of my friends are attached (and happily so), not that I begrudge them that. It’s just that on aforementioned holidays, they will all band up in couplehood and go out in pairs or multiple pairs, and I might be invited along because they like my company—and who wouldn’t, quite frankly?—but were I to accompany them, I would still feel like the third, fifth or even seventh wheel. Either that, or I’ll spend Christmas home alone, trying hard to ignore the fact that Miracle on 34th Street is on a constant loop on Every Single Channel Known to Man that day.
For most single people, the rush is on. I have noticed a distinct increase in the number of people signing on to online dating services, since that seems to be one of the methods of choice for us Digital Generation people to hook up. Which brings me to the Dilemma of the Day: So, I’ve been corresponding with this chick over eHarmony when last night, I got a “tease” e-mail from her over JDate as well—not a flirty-type tease saying she recognized me from somewhere, but one of those standard “you seem interesting, why not e-mail me?” type of messages. Now it’s not like my profiles are distinctly different—in fact, out of laziness and a sense of wanting everything to fit nicely, I’ve even used big chunks of the same text in both profiles. And my pictures are exactly the same on both services. So how do I react to this? Do I (a) write her back on JDate and point out that we’re already corresponding on eHarmony? (b) ignore the JDate tease and just continue on eHarmony? or (c) stop communicating with her since she doesn’t seem to be able to remember my smiling face and distinct personality across two different online services, so who knows what else she’s capable of doing that would be offputting?
Bah, humbug.
So I made it out to Bootie L.A. last night, despite leaving early because I wasn’t feeling well. It was also catchup time, since I hadn’t seen Amanda in a couple of months. Hence the conversations that I will now recap for you:
Conversation 1:
Amanda: So how’s the social life?
Me: I’ve been e-mailing with this Canadian actor chick on JDate. She sounds cool, but she doesn’t have a picture posted.
Amanda: That can be bad or good.
Me: Well, I’m thinking that since she’s an actor, she’s probably good-looking… Evangeline Lilly is from Canada.
Amanda: Yeah, but there’s other Canadian actors who aren’t as good-looking.
Me: Like who, William Shatner?… Yeah, I’m kind of hoping she’s more on the Evangeline Lilly end of the scale rather than the William Shatner end.
Conversation 2:
Me: This chick I know called me a “plum.”
Amanda: That’s a compliment. She likes you.
Me: Are you sure? I can’t honestly see comparing a guy to fruit as a compliment. I need a second opinion.
We pause while Keith unabashedly turns to the random girl standing next to him at the bar and has a short conversation.
Amanda: So?
Me: So, the answer is, the fact that a woman is talking to me at a bar is a good thing, and I should be thankful for that and not worry about her comparing me to fruit.
So what if I’m unshaven, wearing an old college sweatshirt, old jeans, a Red Sox hat and sunglasses when I wander into the supermarket next door at 10:30am on a Saturday morning to pick up a couple of breakfast items? Does that make me deserving of your supposedly knowing looks, your disapproving glances, your attempts to cover over your half-smiles, your comments about how it must’ve been a nice night?
For your information, I went out with a couple of friends last night to an artist showcase and then to a bar. I had a few drinks, but I came home alone and went to sleep alone and woke up without any ill effects from the not-so-much-as-you-think amount of alcohol I had last night. What you saw was not the result of a Walk of Shame™ or a trip to get groceries to cook for anyone. What you saw was me not having anything in my fridge and needing breakfast for myself and me alone, but not wanting to fully get cleaned up and dressed to face the world just yet.
And for the asshole behind me in line at the supermarket making comments to his friend and who suddenly had to come up with something to say to me when I fully turned around to face him, the fact that I was wearing a sweatshirt from a Boston-area university should’ve tipped you off that my hat was for the Boston Red Sox, not the UCLA Bruins. I couldn’t care less that you think UCLA sucks and USC will kick their asses today. Dumbass.
I went with some friends tonight to see Good Night, and Good Luck. Sadly, 10 minutes into the movie, the audio, which had already been so low that everyone in the theatre was silent in order to hear, completely dropped out. We left and got refunds. I was thoroughly pissed, having really been looking forward to seeing this movie. The following… well, it’s rage unleashed and channeled onto an unsuspecting public.
The time has come to stop being afraid. The time has come to stop mindlessly and blindly following. America, this is your wakeup call.
The malaise that poisons this nation comes from an inability to distinguish between democracy and blind, rabid patriotism. This country was founded upon the principles of being able to freely speak out against one’s leaders without fear of recrimination or reprisal. And yet, those who speak out against our leader, a man who continually flouts the law and gives no explanations or accountability for his actions — a man who, by all demonstrations, cannot even form intelligent, coherent sentences without a TelePrompter and who recently said that he is doing God’s work by bringing freedom to Iraq — are held in contempt. Those who question what our country is doing are called unpatriotic, are mocked openly and are even told to leave the country they love and whose motives they question out of love and the desire to see their country do what they believe is right. Those who disagree are shouted down by blowhards like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly, who seem to believe that yelling over someone makes you right and who have legions of fans who blindly follow them and emulate them without question. Those who probe are diverted with scare tactics like avian flu pandemics. Those who argue are flatly insulted for their beliefs without sufficient explanation or opposing proof and called “soft” and unloving of their homeland and the people who defend it.
The time has come to stop being scared of speaking up. The time has come to open our minds and wonder if maybe it is acceptable — and even encouraged — to question exactly what’s going on. The time has come to follow our own convictions rather than the ones shouted from our radios and TVs. The time has come to do what’s right. The time has come to wake from our stupor and reject the information that is being force-fed to us.
America… good night, and good luck.
Welcome to a music-intensive post. What, you expected sordid tales here? That kind of squalor will not stand.
1. No-talent assclown Scott Stapp got into a bar brawl over Thanksgiving weekend with the boys from 311. Apparently, Scott wandered into the bar and was drunk and belligerent, and in the words of one of the 311 guys, “Scott was looking for a fight—and that’s what he got.” Full details here.
2. Bootie returns to L.A. this Saturday! Are you ready for a night of ass-shakery? You better be. It all goes down starting at 10pm at the Echo. Details on the Bootie L.A. website. Be there, or someone will do something horrible to you with numbers.
3. For those of you who weren’t aware of the American Edit project, it was a collaboration between two mixers who called themselves “Dean Gray” to make mashups out of the entire American Idiot album by Green Day. They succeeded spectacularly, and the tracks were put online the week before Thanksgiving. This was a free project—the people who put it together did not ask for money for their work; instead, they asked that in exchange for downloading the tracks, people donate a few dollars to one of the charities Green Day has linked on their website. Sadly, on Monday, the mixers were hit with a C&D (that’s cease-and-desist for you non-legal types) from Warner Bros., demanding the tracks be taken offline. Since then, an underground movement—much like the “Grey Tuesday” protest when Danger Mouse was shut down for mashing up The Beatles’ White Album with Jay-Z’s The Black Album into his Grey Album—has begun to make December 13 “Gray Tuesday.” People all over the world will make the American Edit tracks available for download as a show of solidarity to the mashup community in the hopes that it will get record labels to recognize and begin authorizing this kind of work instead of squashing it. More details on Gray Tuesday here.
In the meantime, to prepare you for Gray Tuesday and to galvanize you into coming to Bootie, here’s a little somethin’ somethin’ to right-click and save as.
Loo & Placido - “Should I Stay or Should I Boogie” (Jackson 5 vs. The Clash)