I realized a couple of nights ago that last week was my five-year anniversary of my move to Los Angeles and that Monday was my five-year anniversary at work.  It’s still hard to believe I’ve been here so long, since it’s the longest I’ve ever worked in a single place (despite being promoted a couple of times here), and also since just about everyone I knew back East kept telling me I’d never leave the Northeast.  Everyone expected me to either stay in Boston or move back to New York.  And I was so unused to the locale that I actually had to keep a Post-It note on my car’s dashboard for my first three months out here that said “Ocean’s on the LEFT” because that concept completely was alien to everything I’d known for a quarter-century.

It’s been a pretty wild ride these past five years.  I’ve hung with celebrities, hit parties at swanky Hollywood locales, been to hundreds of shows and done the usual L.A. tourist things.  But what’s more important to me is that I moved out here knowing only 3 people and, since then, constructed several social circles replete with awesome people.  I’ve gotten back into working in the industry that I love, and I’ve excelled at it.  And — most importantly — I’ve rediscovered what makes me happy and what makes me tick… I’ve become more of who I am, especially over the past 3 years.  That’s not to say that Los Angeles is the cause of all that, but it did happen thanks to my move here. 

Will I move away?  I don’t know.  I’m still at that stage where I don’t feel like I have a hard-and-fast home, per se, just a city that I feel comfortable in because I’ve been here for so long and I know my way around.  If the right opportunity were to arise, I’d be sad to leave the people here behind, but I think I’d be okay with leaving.  The one thing that I truly learned from this experience is that I am able to survive and flourish on my own — I moved to the second-largest city in the country, knowing only 3 other people, and I built a pretty nice life for myself.  Any fears I might have had about walking into a completely unknown situation and being able to hold my own have been allayed.

But yes, I still retain my East Coast sensibiliites — despite the song… I walk in L.A.

I really do tend to regress to being a completely un-P.C. kid when I go to work.  I’m just super lucky that I work in a creative environment that encourages these kinds of things.  Today in the office, I said:
- “Don’t tell me to shut up.  You shut up or I will totally punch you.”
- “Fuckstick says what?”
- “If you can write that up by this Friday, I will completely kiss you full on the mouth.  And that’s a fact.”
- “What’s the opposite of kicking ass?  Because that’s what you’re doing right now.”
- “Oh my God, he makes me feel like punting a cat.”
- “Yeah, yeah, your mom.”
- “We’re taking one back from the Mexicans!  Wooo!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!”

And of course, I ended the day with the observation that if someone followed us around for a day, they’d probably pass out from the sheer amazement of the insanity and stupidity that flies around our office.

I met up last night with the lovely and talented Lori MacBlogger last night.  Drinks ensued, as did enjoyable conversation.  She’s just as fun and personable in, well, person as she is on the Interwebs.

Among other things, we discussed the perils of online dating, and I let on that I cancelled my JDate subscription last week and also am letting my eHarmony subscription lapse this week as well.  Lori asked why I wasn’t pleased with the sites…

JDate
- Sent out literally 200 e-mails, got 1 person who was kind enough to write back and say thanks but she wasn’t interested and only 1 other person who actually went out with me (she wanted to just be friends though)… the return on investment was horrible.
- Female friends on JDate have told me they are bombarded by e-mails to the point where they can basically go through their inbox and pick and choose who they want to respond to, even dismissing guys for the littlest things.
- Almost every single person on there uses the same damn clichés to describe themselves.  In the section where they ask you to write an essay on who you’re looking for, I almost wrote “someone who doesn’t use the standard clichés in their profile.”

eHarmony
- You mean aside from the fact that it was started by a rabid Christian?
- I told them flat out that I want to meet someone who lives within 30 miles.  I don’t want to relocate, I don’t want to meet someone who will relocate.  So how come I’m still getting matched with people from places like Fresno or San Diego — or even Phoenix?
- The system is way too structured to the point where you have almost no control whatsoever.  They match you up with who they see fit, and then they take you through this long and protracted guided communication system where you have to exchange multiple choice questions, then a list of things you must have and a list of things you can’t stand in a relationship, then open-ended questions, and then you have to “read a message” from the guy who runs eHarmony before you can freely e-mail back and forth.  The problem is, if one person stalls out, you can’t send them an e-mail to say, “Hey, what’s going on?  It’s been a while since we’ve talked.” You’re stuck.  I actually was going through the process with someone back in August and she stalled out, so I was stuck and couldn’t do anything until she resumed things a few weeks ago. 

Went to see the new Reno 911: Miami movie tonight, and I honestly didn’t know what to expect because I’ve never watched the actual Reno 911 show.  Plus, I’d seen the same clips in the trailers and commercials over and over again, so I was afraid that those were the only real funny moments in the movie.  Boy, was I wrong.  I laughed through the whole damn movie.  If you’re in the mood for a big, dumb movie, I highly recommend this one.

Oh, and “douchenozzle” is my new favorite word.  I’m going to be using that one often.  Douchenozzle!

Multitasking is usually a good thing.  But when I see someone holding a cigarette in one hand and a phone in the other — while they’re behind the wheel of a car — I question whether people here actually remember that they’re supposed to be, you know, DRIVING THE CAR.

I’m also not so keen on the people who show up at the gym in fashionable shirts and jeans, but think they can work out because they’re wearing sneakers.  Sneakers do not a gym outfit make. 

Where to begin?  I feel like this entire week has just flown by at warp speed.  Let’s break it down....

- In less than two weeks, I’ll be in Denver to see my best friend.  This makes me squee.  Two weeks from tomorrow, I fly to Toronto for three days of rock ‘n’ roll and the metric system.  It’s going to be awesome. 
- It’s amazing to think how much business has changed in the past 20 years.  Two decades ago, no one had really heard of the Internet at all.  Today, we can’t do business without it — case in point, my office today, where our Internet connection was completely down for 10 hours and we were helpless.  After sitting at my desk and just talking with my writing partner for an hour, we both decided it was pointless for us to stay, so we turned around and worked from home for the rest of the day.  It was actually a really gratifying thing for me, because I had previously thought that I wouldn’t be able to work from home — too many distractions, having other people around me working helps keep me focused, etc.  But today, I found that given the need to accomplish things, I’m perfectly capable of staying home and working on my own.  Plus, it has all the benefits of being at home, such as being able to do a load of laundry while you’re working, so it’s like you’re doubly productive because you’re accomplishing work and life stuff at once.  Oh, and by the way?  I just got another e-mail from my boss — after being back up for a few hours, the Internet is down again in our office.  If this keeps up, I may return to the office only after I’ve been to Canada.
- While I was at the gym tonight, CNN was airing a huge special with Anderson Cooper called The Edge of Disaster.  It was all about all the many different ways things in this country could suddenly go awry — everything from terrorists to another ginormous hurricane to an earthquake to the power grid blowing out to a cyberattack… Isn’t this country freaked out enough?  Don’t we need a little respite from a reminder of all the different things that can go wrong?  And besides… isn’t it kind of stupid to start suggesting ways to disrupt our way of life on, oh, say, national television so that it doesn’t give anyone any ideas?  That’s like getting on the news and saying, “These kids were making homemade bombs to blow up their school… and let’s show you how they were going to do it so you can play along at home!”
- Speaking of the gym, don’t ask me how because I can’t really believe it myself, but I’ve lost just under 10 pounds in the last 2-3 weeks.  Like I said, I have no idea how.  But Lord knows I’m damn happy about it.  I just hope the trend continues.
- Although I think the weight loss may have something to do with the fact that… well, I started seeing someone.  I don’t want to say too much because it’s early on, but we have a whole hell of a lot in common, and so far, I have nothing to indicate that she’s not interested in me.  (If she’s not, then I might as well pack it in now and become a monk.) We’ve been out a couple of times, and we’ve talked on the phone for hours on end in between.  I’ve never been on the phone so long that my batteries almost run out and the phone starts beeping at me.  That’s a good sign, right?

- Why is there such douchery in the world (and especially here in Los Angeles)?  I was at the mall food court for lunch with some co-workers yesterday when a guy got up from a big table and walked away, so I walked over and put my tray down so we could take the table — the guy came back and said it was his table, and I asked him if it would be possible for him to take one of the many open square tables a couple of feet away.  He asked why I couldn’t take it, and I replied there were three of us and one of him, and the big table was built for five but the small ones were built for two, so we’d have a little room for our trays on the big table but none on the small ones.  He then had the audacity to tell me that I didn’t ask him nicely enough so I could take the smaller table, and after I left, he then proceeded to walk away from the table again and spend the next five minutes wandering around the area on his cell phone.  WTF?  Though I guess the bigger question is… why am I still thinking about this?
- Why do the “weight control” packets of Quaker oatmeal have more calories than the regular ones?
- Why is eHarmony giving me all these out-of-area matches?  I told the system that I wanted to date someone within 30 miles.  Last time I checked, Fresno and Arizona are not within 30 miles of Los Angeles.  So much for their “careful 29-step matching process.”
- Why is my beautiful new Airport Extreme base station not working?  I just got the thing yesterday, and it was working when I went to sleep last night.  Now I can’t get it to connect to the fabulous Webbernets.
- Why do I seem less affected this year than in other years by the fact that I don’t have a Valentine?  And honestly, why am I concerned about that?  I should probably just be thankful that it feels like just another day instead of a Hallmark-invented holiday designed to poke me in the duodenum repeatedly and remind me that I’m single.

I’m sick of hearing about Anna Nicole Smith.  Hell, I was sick of it about 10 minutes after she died.  Honestly, the woman is yet another Paris Hilton situation, where she’s famous for being famous — she contributed absolutely nothing to society and had no discernable talents (besides stripping and taking drugs and broadcasting to the public the trainwreck that was her life), yet she was treated like royalty and followed around by adoring fans and paparazzi.  Now, supposedly reputable news organizations are handing over hours and hours of time to go over her mediocre, soap-operaish life and the events leading up to her death over and over and over again.  And what’s even worse is they’re encouraging stupid drama and hangers-on to get involved.  It’s not even enough that Anna Nicole was one of the Zsa Zsa Gabors of our generation, now the husband of the actual Zsa Zsa Gabor has to jump in?  All this fuss over a failed actress/stripper… thanks, but no thanks.

By the way, for everyone who doesn’t believe me when I say people really do freak out here in Los Angeles when rain starts falling… check this out.  Some drizzle just moved through the area — wasn’t even an entire inch of rain.  And yet every single one of those diamonds is a car accident.

And now for the discussion group portion of the evening… Posit:  Suppose you just started dating someone recently.  [Ed. note:  No, it’s not me, I’m still single, this is a hypothetical scenario based on a conversation I had with someone.] Do you go out on a date on Valentine’s Day?  Do you specifically not go out on Valentine’s Day?  Discuss.

It’s official:  A month from today, I will be in Canada.  Toronto, specifically.  I’ve never actually been to Toronto before — I’ve been to Quebec City more than once (and it was the reason why I took French in school, the Spanish kids in 8th grade got to go to a Mexican restaurant but the French kids got to spend a weekend in Quebec… you be the judge), and I’ve spent a couple of weekends in Montreal as well… the most recent of which I don’t really remember.  Anyways, Toronto was described to me once as “New York as if it were built by the Swiss,” which intrigues me.  So now I have to ask… is there anything there I absolutely have to see?  I’m not going to have that much time to go sightseeing, and I’m also told that Toronto in early March is somewhat colder than taking a cold bath with ice cubes in the tub while in a walk-in freezer, which is a little cold, even for this battle-hardened Northeasterner.

Turning now to sports, I’ve noticed the sudden appearance of Dunkin’ Donuts commercials on the TeeVee.  Does this mean that my precious Dunkin’s might be making its way back to California sooner rather than later?  Because right now, the closest one is in Phoenix, and while I’m usually interested in wild-goose-chase roadtrips, a 12-hour roundtrip for a cup of coffee and a box of Munchkins seems excessive even to me.

Caller ID is a wonderful thing, although I admit that it may be killing social courtesy, since if you know who’s calling (or if you’re calling someone who you know will know it’s you), you’re less inclined to say hello and more inclined to just launch into a conversation.  Like the dude who called me yesterday afternoon and — even though I definitely do not sound female — opened his end of the conversation by suggestively asking, “How are you doing after last night?” When I asked, “Who is this?” since I didn’t recognize the phone number, he got upset and said, “This isn’t Alicia?” Do I sound like an Alicia?

I can’t tell if it’s the advent of a touch-screen phone (like the Treo) or the fact that people just aren’t paying attention as much anymore (or just don’t care), but I’ve been plagued with wrong numbers on my cell phone over the past month.  And it’s not even people prank-calling me or anything — these are actual misdialed numbers of confused people who are trying to reach real people and aren’t pleased when they find out that I’m not who they’re trying to reach.  It’s even extended to wrong-number texting!  I’ve gotten texts and even pictures (no, not gross pictures, you sicko) from people who I have no idea who they are, and some of them can be pretty adamant that they’re dialing the right number.  I’ve gotten stuff like “was great to see you last night, let’s hang out again soon” from people I don’t know on days when I hung out with no one the previous night, I got a picture from some guy and his “dawg” getting friendly with a hamster at a pet store…

Am I the only one experiencing this?  Will there be a Committee for Correct Number Dialing in my future?

Notes on the past few days:

- So you may have noticed that minor explosion on Friday morning here.  Well, it came as a result of a lot of things, namely a bad week where I was overtired thanks to insomnia, being told by not one but two women I was interested in that “this is just friendship,” stress at work and, finally, my toilet overflowed Friday morning.  And then I overflowed.  I’m better now.  I’ve gotten some sleep, my best friend gently talked me down, and tonight was Bootie.  All good things. 
- Funny story about Date #2, though:  When I gave her my phone number, I described it as “The Porno Hotline” because my number contains a few occurrences of “69” in it.  (No, dumbass, I didn’t ask for it, it was assigned to me that way.) Anyways, Date #2 was unfortunately running late to meet me, but forgot my number on her desk at work… and then she remembered “The Porno Hotline” and remembered my number correctly.  It was awesome.
- Also awesome was a female friend describing me tonight at Bootie as “being able to dance and having rhythm like no white man should.” This pleases me.
- By the way?  Despite the killer storms in Florida, plunging temperatures in the Midwest, Denver getting inundated by about 20 feet of snow and record-breaking lows here in Southern California, comedian Rush Limbaugh would like to reiterate that global warming is a myth and that we’re not screwing with the planet’s weather patterns at all.

"It’s just the most recent in a series of recent humiliations, and I’m okay with it!  I can take it!  But this is really the living end.  I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough.  And now I want something good to happen.  I want something good to happen before the day is over, and I’ll be judge of what’s good.  One good thing before the day is over, I swear that’s all I want!”
-- Felicity Huffman, Sports Night

That sly little minx Tessa tagged me.  Seven random facts about me.  And I’m supposed to tag seven other people, but I’ll just let people do it on their own if they feel like it.

1.  I once jumped on Jake Gyllenhaal.  Yes, seriously.  Women, you may commence with the squealing and fainting.
2.  I’ve been wearing glasses since the 3rd grade.  I can’t wear contacts.  I’ve thought about LASIK, since sometimes having to wear glasses all the time to see anything is annoying, but I honestly wonder if I look better with glasses on.
3.  I had pet rabbits and a pet mouse when I was growing up.  I’ve often thought about getting another rabbit.
4.  When I was in college, friends decided to use me as their psychology experiment by denying me access to music for 24 hours.  They said after 4, I was exhibiting symptoms of chemical addiction withdrawal.  To this day, I get irritable if I don’t hear music I like for at least a few minutes over the course of the day.
5.  I have a weird fascination with post-apocalyptic movies and books.  One of my favorite books is a collection of short stories about different ways the world could end, and another is an alternate history novel that takes place 10 years after the Cuban Missile Crisis escalated into nuclear war.  However, the actual possibility of the world ending terrifies me.
6.  I used to be a champion sleeper.  My friends who know me from college can recall days when I’d sleep for 10-11 hours straight and wake up sometime in the afternoon.  In the past couple of years, I’ve become an insomniac.  I wish I knew why.
7.  I can roll my tongue and turn it upside down without touching it.