Act IV: In which I begin losing faith in TiVo as a wonderful product and helpful company
TiVo Customer Service Rep: Hi, thanks for calling TiVo. I have to warn you that our systems are down tonight, so if it’s anything technical, I probably won’t be able to help you. What’s your problem?
Keith: My remote control’s not working.
TiVo CSR: Well, sir, our system’s down tonight, so that may be causing some problems for you.
Keith: I don’t understand. How could your system being down affect my remote control? It’s not working at all — it’s not controlling the TiVo or the TV like it usually does, and it shouldn’t need access to the TiVo systems to do either.
TiVo CSR: You say your remote control isn’t working?
Keith: That’s right.
TiVo CSR: Well, we can go ahead and send you a new one. Can I get your TiVo Service Number?
Keith: Sure, it’s--
TiVo CSR: Hang on a moment, please, I need to write this down.
Time passes....
Keith: You still there?
TiVo CSR: Yes, sir, I was waiting for you.
Keith: Umm… okay… here’s my Service Number. [gives service number]
TiVo CSR: Great, we’ll send you out a new remote.
Keith: It’ll be free, right? It should still be under the 90-day warranty.
TiVo CSR: It should be.
Keith: Great. How long will it take to get here?
TiVo CSR: Yes.
Keith: What?
TiVo CSR: Yes, we’ll send you out a new remote.
Keith: Uh… huh. How long will it take to get here?
TiVo CSR: Three to five business days. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight? I have to warn you that our systems are down, so I won’t be able to really help you with anything technical.
Keith: No, I just… need the remote. The TiVo’s pretty useless without it.
TiVo CSR: Well, sir, our systems are down, so that could be causing some problems for you tonight.
Keith: Right… thanks.
Edited to add: The insanity continues — I got an e-mail confirmation from TiVo this morning… she had the wrong remote sent, it won’t work on my model. I have to call back and see if they can change it to the right remote before this one gets shipped out.
At this point, I would somehow — somehow find a goat in Los Angeles (or some other non-sequiturish-type animal… a yak, maybe?) and sacrifice it to the gods if the pollen would just go away. We’re at like a Stage 14 pollen alert here, and I couldn’t be more miserable. And the funny thing is… despite how wonderful the weather is outside (sunny and 75F), I’m inclined to stay in because the air is just killing me. I didn’t have seasonal allergies before I moved here, and I might be inclined to have someone go into my head and rip out my sinuses at this point so I never have to experience them again.
Yeah, I’m not a very good patient.
The IMs and phone calls began rolling in early this afternoon: Spitzer Is Linked to Prostitution Ring. That’s right, the same guy who ran rampant through the music industry on his high horse, telling everyone how “dirty” it was and how he was going to clean it up — and oh, by the way, did the same thing with a couple of prostitution rings! — has a bit of dirt himself. Hang on a moment while I react to this… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
The jokes were flying fast and hard today: “I guess he condones ‘pay for play’ after all.” “First he screwed the industry, then he screwed a call girl.” “Spitzer got screwed by a prostitution ring.” “Definition of ‘karma’: See ‘Spitzer, Eliot.’” Yes, I realize that a number of people (including Spitzer’s 20-plus-year wife and daughters) will be hurt by this, but he reaped what he sowed, and to many people in my industry whose way of life he either dramatically altered or completely destroyed, he got what was coming to him.
You ever notice how it’s the people who are high and mighty are the ones who usually fall hard from grace? It’s always the ones who openly preach punishment and repression and morality who are suddenly discovered to be embroiled in these scandals that go against everything they’ve been screaming about. Ex-Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig: called Bill Clinton a “bad boy, a naughty boy” for the Lewinsky episode and went after Representative Barney Frank for supposedly being involved in a gay prostitution ring. Ted Haggard, reverend of that megachurch in Colorado who was accused of having gay sex and using drugs with a male prostitute: openly condemned homosexuals and encouraged his congregation to engage in “cultural warfare” against gays and those who would have abortions. Jimmy Swaggart: revealed Jim Bakker’s affair on TV, then was discovered to have had committed adultery with a prostitute.
Maybe it’s worth not trying to impose your own morality on others, lest they find that it mirrors their own.
So, I’m stranded in Toronto. Apparently, Mother Nature heard my comments about how I haven’t been in a snowstorm in 6+ years, and she decided to bring one down upon Toronto on the day I was slated to leave. They’re calling this a first-class storm, and it’s supposedly the one that will push T-Dot past its snowfall record, which was set all the way back in 1938 or something. I’ve been hearing about a foot will fall (though I had to do the math to convert it over from centimeters, naturally), so my writing partner & I have extended our stay at our hotel one more night and scored a flight out of the city tomorrow night… after things have hopefully come to a stop and are much better weather-wise.
It’s been a neat couple of days, and as much as I mock Toronto and the Canadians, it really is a very cool city and they are very nice people. And no, I’m not just saying that because I’ve had a few Canadian beers so far this evening and I’m feeling mellow and happy. Besides catching up with some friends I haven’t seen in a year and making some new ones and hearing some awesome new music (at least new to me), one of the coolest experiences was seeing Alanis Morissette be inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, and I also got to see Gordon Lightfoot perform (I know, rather clichéd, but what can I do?). And for the first time in years, I’ve had poutine, which was actually pretty damn good. I wonder if that means I can’t make fun of it anymore.
Pictures, including some of the snowstorm, are available here as always.
Back in a few days… unless I create an international incident and they kick me out of the country sooner. Tales and pictures to follow.
Those who know me in real life know that I have a morbid fascination with the end of the world — more specifically, post-apocalyptic stories about afterwards… and I’m also a fan of alternate history stories. There’s a book in my bookshelf that contains a collection of short stories about different ways the world could end; I’ve got another one that takes place in 1972, 10 years after the Cuban Missile Crisis escalated into nuclear war; I own the book Fail Safe and I’ve seen that movie as well; and I’m glued to my TV every time Jericho is on. I occasionally joke with my parents that their wedding anniversary was cursed — according to Terminator 2: Judgment Day, August 29 was Judgment Day. It’s also the day that Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans. But things hit a little too close to home this weekend.
I was in Borders, going through the stacks when I ran across an entire display of books dedicated to December 21, 2012. Apparently, there’s a whole movement going on, following the Mayan calendar, which sees cosmic significance on that morning. The Earth will complete its 26,000-year axis “wobble” and realign itself with Polaris, the planets in our solar system will be aligned, and our solar system will be aligned with the central plane of our galaxy. The Mayans see this as the end of the 12th iteration of the Long Count, a calendar cycle they developed, starting our 13th cycle… a number many believe to be unlucky. And so, the predictions about the end of the world on that day have begun evolving in force and en masse, including a comet or an asteroid striking the planet, the rise of the Antichrist, massive solar flares or a nuclear apocalypse. The end of the world. My birthday.
I’m going to try to forget about that for a little while, though — I’m packing up my suitcase and heading to Canada for a few days on a trip I’ve been looking forward to for a while. Every year, the Canadians hold a music and radio industry conference, which I had a blast at last year. This year, they’ve asked me to come up and not only appear on a panel, but also moderate another one. Apparently, they think I’m some kind of responsible adult or something. Either way, this deal will rapidly de-evolve into a government-sponsored alcohol-drinking competition, which I’m sure I’ll lose… with nothing better to do during the wintertime, Canadians practice drinking — I hear it helps keep you warm or something, which is probably another reason why they drink. Plus, their beer is much stronger than American beer, and I remember last year when a bunch of Canadians got together, decided to feed this American lots of liquor and then casually ask, “So… how do you like Canada?” The only possible response in such a scenario, by the way, is “I LOVE CANADA!!!”
I stole Gavin Rossdale‘s guitar pick today. And that wasn’t even the weirdest/most interesting part of the day.
Gavin’s record label held a quick showcase at their own venue today, and I was lucky enough to head over there for lunch and music. After he was introduced by one of the most powerful people in the record industry (who I later met, which was a little surreal for me), Gavin took the stage with a band (not Bush) and played a bunch of songs that he’s been writing over the past few months or so, then closed with “Machinehead,” one of my favorite Bush tracks. Also surreal: Watching Gavin on stage and feeling a presence beside me, then looking over and realizing the blonde standing next to me is Gwen Stefani.
No, the weirdest part of the day came a few moments after the performance, when I met someone who has the same last name as me and almost the same first name (he’s Steve, and occasionally people will mishear my name and think I said “Steve"), though we’re not related… and we realized we were both dressed exactly the same. Literally. The only difference was that he was wearing sneakers and I was wearing black shoes, although he mentioned he had thought about wearing black shoes this morning before going for the sneakers. Apparently, we both got the family newsletter detailing the outfit everyone with our last name needed to wear today.
The adult in me is saying it’s time to make oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, same as every day, but the 9-year-old in me knows there’s leftover chocolate cake in the fridge — and it’s mostly frosting (my mom taught me to eat the cake part first and then the frosting because the frosting is the best part). While I’m usually inclined to let the 9-year-old take over and do his thing, the thought of turning into a Bill Cosby routine is pushing me back into Oatmeal World.
Six years ago today, I started working at the business I’m still at now. (And yes, I know that sentence was grammatically atrocious.) Having started working in the professional world at the beginning of the dot-com age, six years is an awfully long time to spend in one place, since my longest run somewhere before this was only 16 months.
Six years ago, I left everything behind — friends, family, a lifelong existence in the Northeast, a career in another industry — and followed a job out to Los Angeles, simply because I needed to start over. I had no idea what the future would hold, only that I needed a fresh start somewhere new with new people and another attempt to get back into the career field I love doing something I enjoyed. I started off at the lowest rung on the ladder, making nothing and knowing three people in the entire city of L.A., and I slowly built my way up both professionally and socially, making a life for myself out here. I’ve gone against the odds: people back East who said I’d never leave New York or New England, and people at work who told me I’d never reach a position I wanted. I’ve survived a corporate takeover that decimated our staff and rose to a position and level of recognition in my career field that I desired, and I’ve acclimated (mostly) to a life where the sun sets instead of rises and the ocean’s on the left side instead of the right.
It’s been quite a ride, and I finally feel like I’ve come into my own. I can’t imagine not having made this leap now, and I am thankful that I did — it would’ve been easy to continue down the path I was headed, but it wouldn’t have brought me the experiences and the personality-shaping events that I’ve been privileged to undergo over the past six years. I only wonder what the next six years have in store.
It began as most things do… with Canadians. There were a bunch of Canadians from my industry down in Los Angeles for some conference, so I went out with them Thursday night to say hi and raise the flag for my company and also to finally meet a few of them in person after speaking with them on the phone for several years. Somehow, they got it in their heads that they wanted to go to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel (which was, I do have to admit, right across the street from where they were having dinner), though it made the bar tab… excessive? Especially since these guys can drink. Though truth be told, what else do they have to do up there during the wintertime except practice?
Friday morning is when it all started going downhill. I woke up feeling crappy — not in a hangover kind of way, but in a down-with-the-sickness kind of way, and I managed to shock a couple of my co-workers during our Friday morning meeting when my voice sounded like I’d been eating gravel. For the first time in years, I left work early to go home and crash out in bed for a little while, and no wonder — my temperature was up to 101. This put a kink in my weekend plans, which included a date I was looking forward to going on and a movie I was looking forward to seeing, plus errands I needed to run. But the experience has been… interesting. When your body temp is that high, it starts to feel like, well, you are kind of high. So I’ve been feeling a bit disassociated from reality over the past couple of days, and to say my dreams have been whacked out is a complete understatement. Plus, I can’t pay attention to anything for more than a few minutes, so all those movies on TiVo? Still sitting there.
This didn’t make things any easier on Friday night when my upstairs neighbor’s apartment started to flood, making it rain in my bedroom. When I first heard the water inside, I had to stop and think: (1) Is this just rain outside that sounds really real, (2) is my brain playing tricks on me again and making stuff up or (3) is this actually really happening?
While I’m eating my weight in sugar-free Popsicles, I stumbled across my horoscope this morning… a little too timely if you ask me.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, but sometimes medicine is the best medicine! Make sure you’re up to date on your health. If it’s been a while since you have had a checkup, schedule one today. Your happiness and emotional health can be affected by your physical health, so take care of yourself! It’s a good idea to check in on your diet today too—you have let a few things slide, and it’s time for you to go back to being a little bit more disciplined.
Sadly, it seemed like my weekend had a few circles in them. Friday night, I went out to meet up with some old friends (and also ended up making some new ones) at Birds, a bar up in Hollywood… Little did I know that the bar was next door to the place I was slated to go on Saturday night.
Saturday morning, I went with a few friends out to Monterey Park for dim sum since Empress Pavilion in Chinatown was shut down (thanks for the heads up, Chowhound!) and then we returned to the city to wander around Chinatown before taking an almost-3-mile hike to the top of Mount Lee. If you live in L.A., Mount Lee is where the Hollywood sign is, and we went all the way up to the antenna farm behind the sign. It’s the closest you can get to the Hollywood sign without trespassing, and it’s pretty neat — you’re actually up behind and above the sign, and the views of the L.A. basin on one side and the Valley on the other are pretty spectacular. It’s one of those things that I never thought about doing, despite having lived here in L.A. for six years now, and I’m thankful my friends dragged me up there, especially since I can see the Hollywood sign and the antennae from my desk at work… and now I can point out the window and say, “Hey, I’ve been there!” Word to the wise if you plan on doing the hike, though: Wear shoes that have good support. The road up there is a paved access road (though you can’t drive it), but the incline is kind of steep in some parts, and my calves and shins weren’t too eager about the experience. After a quick dinner at Cafe 101, it was over to the Upright Citizens Brigade theater for some improv — which was right next to Birds.
Sunday was another loop: Up to the Camarillo outlets and back, where I blitzed through the place in just over two hours. I think my credit card was smoking by the time I left. And then today was a loop up to Valencia and back (or, as one of my friends calls it, “Val-effing-encia,” thanks to the distance) to have my taxes done. I got over $1,000 back last year, so I’m hoping to score a big refund this year as well. Big money big money no whammy!
I’m already starting to think ahead to my next loop — in a little over 2 weeks, I’m heading up to Toronto for their huge annual music and radio industry convention, and I’ve been asked to not only moderate another panel this year, but also appear on one. Plus, it’ll be a chance to catch up with my Canuck friends and make fun of them for their extra u’s and their metric system, and then they can get me drunk on their superpowered beer and ask me what I think about Canada to hear the drunken American yell out “I LOVE CANADA!” Because, really, when you’re lit up on Molson XXX, how else can you respond?
Going to Hell? I’ll be driving the bus down there later, so we’ll definitely meet up. This is the kind of stupidity I participate in (and encourage!) at work — below is an excerpt of an IM conversation I had with a co-worker as we were talking about the $22 million settlement of a lawsuit over a nightclub fire that killed over 100 people.
Co-worker: Interesting story. A case of sue where the money is.
Me: they sued everyone though
Me: they even sued anheuser-busch
Co-worker: the way the laws are set up, makes plenty of sense.
Me: how? you can’t even set beer on fire!
Co-worker: no, but I’ve had enough to set me on fire
Me: that’s different
Me: and beer doesn’t increase your flammability
Me: just your chances of accidentally becoming on fire
Setting aside the food poisoning that I’m currently battling through, today has been one of those amazing days when I marvel at what I got to do today and wonder just how in the hell I’m privileged enough to do what it is I do for a living. And today was one of those days when I absolutely love what I do for work.
My boss and one of my co-workers and I got to go to the Grammy radio showcase today — basically, people from around 75-100 radio stations from around the world come into town and are put in a big room, where they all set up on a bunch of tables. Then a countless number of celebrities are herded through the room, going table to table, being interviewed by all these radio people, who record the interviews and then send them back to their stations so they can air the interviews “live from the Grammys.” It’s actually a pretty cool idea when you think about it, since it allows stations from all over the place to score a ton of great interviews at once, and they only need to go to one place to do it. I got a chance to catch up with a lot of industry friends, which was great, but the exciting part for me was seeing the celebrities. No, I still haven’t gotten over that.
Among the people there who I managed to snap some quick pictures of were Flavor Flav, Tia Carrere (schwing!) and Louis Gossett Jr. I also got a chance to talk to Randy Jackson (dawg); Emerson Hart, the former lead singer of Tonic who now has a solo album out, who I interviewed a few months ago for a column and who loves The Best Friend™; and Josh Todd, the lead singer of Buckcherry — I somehow didn’t have the heart/guts to tell him that I did Buckcherry’s big hit “Lit Up” at karaoke a while ago and got a standing ovation.
But the absolute best thing ever — what made me the Happiest Man on Earth and gave me Permagrin™ for the next several hours — was this. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how much I’ve loved Idina Menzel for years and how, the day after I saw her perform at a showcase here in Hollywood, I got the chance to interview her for a column for the magazine I write for. Today, Idina happened to be at the Grammy radio showcase, and the issues of my magazine that my boss had brought along for us to hand out to the radio folks happened to be the issue containing my interview with her. I was nervous as all hell, even though she couldn’t have been nicer about it, but I got to meet her in person and talk with her for a few minutes today… and actually hand her a copy of the column. See that smile on my face? Yeah, that’s not coming off for a while.
Again, I am seeing Idiocracy in action, and the thought of a continued “dumbening” is scaring the crap out of me. In the course of 1 day, I saw:
- a piece on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, where it was revealed that 23% of British schoolchildren believe Winston Churchill was a fictional character
- a political pundit on CNN talking about how he expects the state-by-state voting to go tomorrow during Super Tuesday, and not once, but twice, he was talking about Arkansas and circled Missouri on a U.S. map
- a profile on JDate where an American-born and -raised and supposedly college-educated woman wrote: “I am a funny, smart, creative, active and an attractive women. I love outdoor activties, hicking, bicking, etc.” (1) She’s more than one woman, and (2) does anyone know what “hicking” and “bicking” are?
I had a bad feeling going into the Super Bowl that things would go in a way not to my liking, and the Patriots played horribly, so I will concede that the better-playing team won. That’s not to say that I’m not disappointed, that I would’ve loved to have seen my favorite football team go undefeated for an entire season and go into history without being shot down during the last game by a wild-card entry. Because I am disappointed. But so be it. I watched the game with good company and chili dog nachos and buffalo wings and beer. And once again, Bud Light had the best commercials.
And the rest of the weekend was definitely enjoyable as well. I met up with someone for a first date that was supposed to be a quick coffee meetup and ended up lasting 2 hours with plans to see each other again. And then I ran out to Pasadena to see Cloverfield with Amandarin, which I thought was good although a little predictable. She wound up with a headache from the cinematography, and I’ve heard similar stories of people getting motion sickness from it as well, but I came out of it all right. And I was way excited to see the trailer for the new Star Trek movie, although I may have been the only person in the theater going “wheeeee!” like a 9-year-old when it started. At least I know where I’ll be on Christmas this year!
All that’s left now to get past is a ton of work I have due this week… and the interview. The piece CBS-TV interviewed me for is airing tomorrow morning, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was a little nervous to see how the whole thing turns out. There’s always a potential for being misquoted or being edited to the point of coming off sounding like you were saying something completely different from your intentions, and I am speaking on kind of a polarizing topic (it involves JDate, one of my fairly frequent ranting targets), and since they’re showing my profile and putting my name and face on national TV, the possibility of online anonymity fades to almost nil. I hope it goes well and has a positive outcome, though I fear any potential negative reaction… although as I’ve heard over the past couple of days from a few close friends, we are our own worst critics, and I will probably not come off as bad as I think I’m going to. That said, I’m still going to be glued to my TV tomorrow morning and probably chewing my nails down to my knuckles until it’s over.
Edited to add: Naturally, the piece got bumped and will air later this week, though I don’t know exactly when later.