Excerpted from The Los Angeles City Manual For General Behavior and Living (issued to all residents upon birth or declaring residency within city limits):

- Do not say hello or smile at anyone you don't know if you're outdoors. They will shoot you.
- Famous people hang out in this town. They live here. This is their home. Do not gawk, and for God's sake -- if you see a director and an actor chatting, do not go home and post on an Internet chat board that they will be working together on a new major motion picture.
- Just like the Vatican is a holy city surrounded by Rome, so is Beverly Hills a separate entity -- a holy city surrounded by Los Angeles. You may genuflect at either the Beverly Hilton or the Regent Beverly Wilshire, the latter of which is conveniently located near Rodeo Drive.
- Since it doesn't rain here very much at all, the oil from all the cars on the road soaks into the streets and is immediately brought to the surface whenever it rains. Therefore, drivers are given license to do incredibly stupid things during any precipitation.
- Valet is a way of life. Accept it.
- Just because you are an out-of-work actor/screenwriter/songwriter/musician, you are not automatically qualified to wait tables. Waiting tables here is like any other career job. You need experience waiting tables, you need references, you need a resume.
- Yes, there's a pollution problem. Thanks, we know about it. They say the fucking smog is the fucking reason you have such beautiful fucking sunsets.
- There's no such thing as inexpensive earthquake insurance. If we have an earthquake that's big enough to cause damage in your house/apartment to the extent that you'd need an insurance company to cover it, you'd probably need a new place to live. And believe me, we're not just going to sit around waiting for The Big One. We live in blissful ignorance, knowing in the back of our minds that it will eventually happen, but it hasn't happened yet today.
- Plastic is encouraged. Use your plastic to pay for your plastic. You can take that statement in as many different ways as you'd like.
- Yes, we know the women are gorgeous here. This is the Land of the Beautiful People, remember? We have strict genetic regulations to keep it that way. See page 286 for a list of testing facilities in your area to qualify for dating and procreation.
- There really is a subway in L.A. You are not required to ride it at any time. It doesn't actually go anywhere useful.