So I jumped on a grenade tonight at a bar for my friend, and he didn't even go for the prize. "I wasn't feeling the vibe" was his excuse. Well, sometimes you've just got to make it happen, I suppose.

Which is why it's so hypocritical for me to say that and then sit here and talk about how I fall for these unattainable women. Women who I'm friends with but it never progresses beyond that. Either I keep my feelings to myself, or they kind of realize what I'm thinking and sort of hint that it wouldn't happen.

Truthfully (and I doubt I'd be this truthful if I weren't a little intoxicated, but they say that drunk men tell no lies), I don't think I've ever been involved with someone where I had a perfectly healthy relationship that both of us wanted to be in. I've been in relationships where I've had one foot out the door and not really cared but just stuck with it because she was there (as callous as it sounds), and I've been in relationships where she's had one foot out the door and I've pleaded with her to stay. It's never been a situation where it's been mutual, I don't think. I guess that's why my heart's been broken so many times over and why I ache for a decent, healthy relationship where both of us have feelings for each other.

I had hoped that Los Angeles would be a fresh start, and in many ways, it really is. But in other ways, it just proves that people can't change, no matter how radically they alter their circumstances in life. My mom told me before I left that moving 3000 miles away wouldn't make my emotional baggage evaporate, and while I thought she was wrong, she was partially right -- I'm still mostly the same person I was when I was in Boston... mostly. And that means that I still pine away for that perfect relationship with that perfect woman.

Still no end in sight
Though I travel far and wide
Dying man is doing time
Thinker, soldier terrified
And she will have her way
And somehow I will still believe her
She will have her way
And one day I will come...
-- Neil Finn, "She Will Have Her Way"