After a few years, I think I'm finally and seriously letting go of my last real girlfriend. They say that it takes twice as long to get over someone as the time you were together, so since we were together for almost 2 years, I'm a little ahead of schedule. But not much.

I had a mild breakdown a few months ago when, for some stupid masochistic and unknown-to-my-rational-mind reason, I looked her up on Google. I discovered a few links to stuff that she was doing at the time and checked it out -- and found that she was proceeding down a path that she had talked about doing for a long time. She knew what she wanted and she went after it. And I sat there, my eyes filling with tears and wondering where the justice was in this world because she had treated me like crap and used me, yet she was doing what she loved and I was miserable and unemployed and had little chance of being able to find something that I had a burning desire to do. Months later, and I'm here in Los Angeles having taken a chance on holding out for a job I decided I really wanted. And I feel vindicated for doing so. In my dream last night, I finally was able to stand up to her and tell her to get out of my life. When it happens subconsciously, then I know that it's for real. My id can't lie. For the first time in a very long while, I feel free of that need to prove myself in order to make myself believe that I'm better than her and deserve more than she does because of the hell she put me through.

I know I've talked a lot about this recently, and you're probably all sick of reading about the Adventures of Keith in the City of Angels. But quite frankly, I need this. I need this more than I've needed anything before in my entire life. I've basically drifted through life so far, taking control in moments that are few & far between. I went to the college that I did because my parents were pushing for it and I really didn't care where I went, so I applied early decision there and got in. I spent 3 years in public relations because a personality test that I took suggested I'd have an aptitude for it (the test was right, I am good at it... I just don't like it so much). And I finally hit that point where I saw myself miserable behind a desk at 45, looking back on my life & wishing I'd done what I'm doing now. I had to try. Not to sound trite by invoking P.O.D., but for the first time in a long time, I feel so alive.

The Santa Ana winds are bringing in odd emotions tonight along with the cool evening air. The mixture of despair from having my apartment situation fall through combined with the elation and all-around peace of mind of having one of my best friends close by for the first time in four years and being able to spend time with her on the spur of the moment without having to fly six hours each way and make definitive plans weeks in advance has all come together to make today feel a bit bittersweet.

If I hear Pink's "Get the Party Started" one more time, I think I'm going to kill someone.