The next war will not be fought with weapons, words or diplomacy. The next war will not be manned by tens of thousands of troops off in some foreign land. The next war will be fought right here on a side street in Southern California.

The opening salvos have been fired. The bastard prick neighbors next door who wake me up in the middle of the night with their stereos, who park in our parking spots, who always seem to know just when we call the police because they stop playing the music or move their cars about three minutes before the cops actually arrive... They will pay.

This morning, the bass was thumping through the walls again. And my roommates weren't home, so I had free reign to unleash the Mobile Audio Assault System. One PowerBook. Two Cambridge Soundworks speaker and one Cambridge Soundworks subwoofer, all cranked to 10 and all pointing towards the wall -- in the subwoofer's case, leaning up against the wall. One MP3 of Ministry's "New World Order."

The war has begun.