I don't understand the appeal of Andy Rooney. I really don't. The man annoys me more than the stupid repetitive nature of Garfield comics -- yes, Garfield needs to go on a diet and loves to sleep, Jon is a doofus and will never get a date, and dogs in the strip are all stupid. We know, you don't have to pound it into our heads day after day for years on end. But that's another rant for another time.

Back to Andy. The man has one of the longest-running features on one of the longest-running shows on television. And he talks about nothing. I don't mean in a Seinfeldian kind of way where it's actually a little bit amusing. The man talks about nothing. For example: "Andy Rooney talks about how his hair has changed over the year. And he thinks about getting a haircut." I actually watched this segment -- mostly because it was already on the TV and there were only a few minutes before "The Simpsons" was on, so I didn't feel like putting in the effort of finding something else to watch for a few minutes. It couldn't have been more dumb or mind-numbing. Basically, he talked for 7 minutes about how his hair has gotten longer and how prices for haircuts had gone up since he started getting haircuts. Of course prices have gone up since you've started getting your hair cut, Samson was probably in front of you in line when you got your first trim at the Jerusalem Supercuts way back when hair lengths were measured in cubits!

He then put up some graphic of how his hair would look like if it were jet-black instead of the silver it is today, and I have to say that it looked downright scary. Demonic, almost. And then he showed a short clip of him years and years ago on TV to prove that his hair wasn't always stark white. The thing is, I couldn't tell that his hair wasn't stark white because the clip they showed was in black and white -- that's how old it was. And the even scarier thing is that he didn't look any different in that circa-1950s clip, he looked just as old and wrinkly as he did on last Sunday's episode. The man's like Methuselah, but he may never die.

How much whiny crankiness can one person generate? Apparently, enough to blow so much hot air out over so many years that if we were able to capture it, it could've powered Texas for 10 years. I mean, basically every week is the same thing -- Andy Rooney tries to tackle some really mundane and boring topic, gets confused, gets annoyed, then thinks the way other people do things is stupid. And at the end of each episode, the host closes the show with a small laugh after Andy's segment ends, as if to say, "Oh, that Andy, what a hoot." Get a grip. He's not a hoot. He's network stupidity at its peak. The television Powers-That-Be let Andy Rooney stay on the air for decades past his -- I was about to say "his prime," but he never had one -- yet they cancelled "Undeclared" after one season?

CBS, put us out of our misery and can this poor bastard before we rise up and show Andy Rooney that his segment confuses and annoys us, then makes us think that the way he does things is stupid.