I've done this before, but I want to do it again. And no, this was not the idea that my computer ate last night.

Esquire, which I consider to be one of the best magazines on the face of the Earth (and yes, I read it for the articles), does a feature in every issue that they call "What I've Learned," where they ask someone famous to impart... well, what they've learned. It's random, it's fun and it's insightful. And I'm feeling those urges to impart my wisdom to the masses. So.

What I've Learned
by Keith

- Knowing everything isn't always the best thing, and neither is trying to make yourself look like you know everything. Sometimes it's better not to try to impress people with what you know, because you might come across as being presumptuous and arrogant.
- Sometimes small is better. People talk about how it's better to have a megastore, but they might not care if they don't have the widget you need in a particular size. And they won't give you the personal attention that a smaller store might, and they probably won't remember your name when you come in the door.
- Tyler Durden says, "Deliver me from Swedish furniture." He's right.
- In Los Angeles, people get tired very quickly of the newcomer who points at the TV or the movie screen and says, "Hey, I've been there!" The novelty wears off very quickly for them, even if it doesn't for the newcomer.
- It really does make a huge difference when you love your job.
- No matter how many channels you get -- and this includes the pay movie ones -- there's never anything even halfway decent on TV between 2AM and 5:30AM. But if you can't sleep and you turn on the television, you'll probably still get sucked into some mediocre straight-to-TV flick and have to watch it until it ends.
- I have to finish anything I start that involves a story. If it's a movie or a book or a TV show or something, even if it's incredibly bad, I have to know how things will turn out in the end. And even if I know how things will turn out in the end, I probably won't know how they'll get to that point so I'll keep going to find out.
- Acting is being convincingly bad at something that you're actually really good at in real life. The ego problem comes into play when you don't want to look bad at whatever you're supposed to be acting poorly about.
- More and more times, mediocrity is proving to be successful. The most successful television shows, movies and music aren't usually all that earth-shattering, and the best ones hardly ever get noticed.
- Money really can't buy happiness, but it can buy comfort and some lack of anxiety. For some people, comfort and lack of anxiety is happiness.
- You know that stupid saying that people use to justify bending traffic rules -- the one about how any traffic sign with a white line around the edge is optional? Yeah, I use that excuse too.
- There is a measure for how good something tastes. It's called a calorie. Or a fat gram. Sometimes both, since even some of those nonfat foods can taste really good.
- The comedic value of midgets is immeasurable. Terry Gilliam knew that. It's why he had a bunch of time-traveling midgets and a seven-year-old boy starring in Time Bandits. It just makes things all that much funnier and more absurd.
- I'm a very auditory person. I can just sit and listen to people with particular kinds of voices and accents for hours.
- My friends once conducted a psychological experiment by denying me access to music for two days. They said that by the end of the experiment, I was displaying the physical, emotional and behavioral symptoms of addiction withdrawal.
- I've always gotten along better with women than with other men. I'm not quite sure why, but most of my closest friends have been female. That ratio's changed over the past few months since I've moved, but not by much.
- It's all good, yo.