Dear Hipster Douchenozzle at the Gas Station,
Maybe instead of berating the gas station employee and telling him he’s lazy for letting someone drive off without putting her gas cap back on, you should get rid of your gas-guzzling, environment-killing Land Rover; and stop standing around the gas station talking on your cell phone since not only are you finished getting gas and acting like the self-centered oblivious ass you are by blocking a pump that someone else could be using, you’re also not supposed to be using your cell phone around the pumps, like those huge signs tell you not to do.

Dear Border Fence Wire Protestors,
Stop your whining about the Border Patrol installing concertina razor wire on the U.S.-Mexico border fence.  So what if it’s dangerous?  The fence is supposed to keep people from illegally crossing the border, and the wire is supposed to keep people from attempting to jump the fence.  What part of illegal in “illegal immigrant” do you not understand?  I wonder how many of those people who are protesting the fence wire have a fence around their homes or bars on their windows.  Why?  Because it’s their home and they’re trying to keep people from illegally entering it, and I’m sure they probably wouldn’t give a damn if someone breaking into their house cut themselves on a fence.  So why are they being so hypocritical?

Dear President Moron,
Stop sending me letters asking me to support the Republican Party and give you money.  I think I’ve made it plenty clear how I feel about you.