So I watched the opening episode of "The Anna Nicole Show" on E! And Lord help me, because I distinctly feel dumber after doing so -- to the point where I'm considering writing the E! network to request back the half-hour and 5 IQ points I lost from watching it.

She burst into tears after finding out a house was too expensive for her. When touring another house, she helped herself to the food in that house's fridge and then pantomimed having sex in the master bedroom's bed. She told the camera that she hadn't masturbated all day and she was going to go do that now because she had to at least once every day. She kept telling people how her breasts were popping out of her shirt. She hung out the passenger window of her realtor's car and yelled out the street names in an Italian accent, then said "I love you!" She also asked "are we there yet?" about sixteen different times as she was being driven around. The entire time, she slurred her words and spoke in a way that made me think she was perpetually drugged.

I don't understand her appeal at all. She's got the intellect of an 8-year-old, and a spoiled one at that. She's not good-looking. She's whiny, she's rude, she's stupid, she's immature, she's childish... I honestly don't know who the joke is on more: the viewers, for actually watching this drivel; E!, for pouring money into this drivel; the people on her show like her assistant and her lawyer, who actually seem to take her seriously and cater to her every whim and emotion and make excuses for her; or her, for being the person she is.

E! does seem to be taking her seriously, which is a sorry state of affairs. The little theme song that plays at the commercial breaks says "Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole, she's so outrageous!" She's not outrageous. She just doesn't know any better. People like the guys who do "South Park" -- who are actually intelligent and can do decent intelligent satire -- are outrageous.