Tomorrow, a time-honored tradition will occur.  As the Christians shuffle off to church and open presents, the Jews will be headed to their local Chinese food restaurants for meals and then their local movie theatres to catch a flick.  It’s so well-established, even the Los Angeles Times wrote a story about it in today’s issue.

“We must have very similar cultures,” Chan said. “All Chinese people know that Jewish people love Chinese food. Maybe they grew up with it?”

Either way, I’m betting that this year, it’s not going to be a very Merry Christmas for many Jews out there.  Why?  Well, aside from the fact that we’re again being subjected to 24 hours of A Christmas Story on TBS and who knows how many networks will be running It’s a Wonderful Life, there’s really not that much out there in the movie theatres for us to see this year.  Let’s take a quick snapshot of what’s playing, shall we?

Cheaper by the Dozen 2:  A bad sequel to a bad remake.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe:  Hello, we’re going to the movies to escape Christmas, not be reminded of it!  Although I will say that the “Lazy Sunday” skit from SNL is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.  It’s available here as a free download from the iTunes Music Store (link opens directly into iTMS).
King Kong:  Another bad remake, this one lasting a bladder-busting three hours long.  Thanks, I’ll pass.
Fun With Dick & Jane:  Another bad remake (hello, Hollywood?  Originality, line 1, sounds pissed you haven’t used its services in, oh, FIVE YEARS), this one featuring Jim Carrey being wacky and doing physical comedy.  Like I haven’t seen that about 18,000 times before.
Memoirs of a Geisha:  Yeah, thanks, I’m already getting my Asian content over dinner.
The Producers:  Oh, fer cryin’ out loud… REMAKE, REMAKE, REMAKE.  I’ve seen the original with Zero Mostel and Gene Wilder, and without Mel Brooks at the helm, it’s just not the same.  They should’ve left this one alone.  And don’t even get me started on the whole Steve-Martin-as-Inspector-Clouseau-in-The Pink Panther thing.  I’m livid about that.
The Family Stone:  Ooh, lookit!  Sarah Jessica Parker playing someone who’s supposedly uptight and conservative!  She goes to her fiancé’s family for the holidays, hilarity ensues and everyone ends up liking each other by the end of the weekend.  Yeeeeah, thanks, but I’ll pass.  Too formulaic.  On a side note, has anyone else noticed that in her headshot on IMDb, Rachel McAdams looks a hell of a lot like Jennifer Garner?

Well, this pretty much brings us to Munich, which features Jews going commando and killing off the Palestinian terrorists who murdered their compatriots in the 1972 Olympics.  It may be a bit of a downer based on the subject matter, but what Jew doesn’t want to see his countrymen kicking ass, especially on Christmas Day?  What, you thought Spielberg’s timing on the release was just coincidence?  I’m guessing I know what’s going to be sold out tomorrow, if only by process of elimination of choices of what to see.

So, yeah.  Merry Christmas to all, and to all, skip the theatres and just head to Blockbuster for a good flick this year.

Everclear - “I Will Be Hating You for Christmas”
Usual rules of download etiquette apply.