Howdy, y'all! I managed to find myself an Internet connection. It's slow going, mostly due to a downpour of rain two days ago. They really do things big here in the South -- even weather. Either way... it's so nice to be missed! I figured you guys would want to hear about some of my adventures, so here we go: - According to its "welcome to our state sign," Maryland calls itself "The Free State." Now, I believe in truth in advertising, so I'm going to ask them for the $5 in highway tolls back that I was forced to spend there. I spent the second-least amount of time in Maryland that I've spent in any state thus far on this trip, yet I spent the most money there on road tolls.
- While I'm on the topic of Maryland, someone needs to tell them they need to update their computers. I asked three different people at these tollbooths what time it was, and they all were an hour off. One woman was offended when I asked her, "Are you sure?" since I had just heard a radio DJ say something about "getting close to 4:00" and she told me it was just before 3. I didn't think I had already crossed the time zone line -- I was still too close to the East Coast -- and it's only February so it's too early for Daylight Savings Time...
- If a nuclear bomb exploded in Arkansas, no one would notice. They'd do one of two things with the hole: either (1) build a church at the bottom of it and name it "Our Lady of Radioactivity," or (2) wait for the torrential rains to fill the hole so they could fish for three-eyed catfish for Noah's World Famous Fried Chicken and Catfish Shack (an actual place I passed).
- Southern hospitality definitely exists. Everyone's so nice down here.
- The church-to-person ratio is staggering. I've seen streets that are literally lined with churches. I best not say anything about being a Northerner and being Jewish, they'd probably hold a ritual exorcism.
- There are just some people who need to be banned from the left lane on the highway. Just like we have registration for sex offenders that includes some kind of notice on their license plates, we should start giving "banned from the passing lane" stickers for people's cars. Doing 3 miles over the speed limit does not qualify you for the left lane, especially when people are passing you on the right.
- There's a reason why Memphis is well-known for barbeque. Oh. My. Lord. [insert Homer Simpson drooling noise] If you'd like to experience it yourself, you can order some to be sent to you via FedEx from Corky's BBQ, which is where I ate.
- If a radio DJ calls himself "Roach," change the station. The name should've told me initially how bad he was. I hate it when DJs talk over the beginnings of songs to the point where they run over the words that the lead singer is singing.
- Lewis Black is saving my sanity. I've listened to his CD at least once every day of this trip, and even though I know it very well by now, it still cracks me up. I'm sure I'm amusing someone who's looking at me in their rearview mirror and saying, "That boy's got problems. He's talking to himself and laughing at himself."
- Mountain Dew Code Red is my new best friend. And I am eating way too much junk food. All you L.A. people who wanted to meet me in person, you're going to have to wait until I can drop some of this poundage from all the fast food and relative inactivity. Although if it were proven that air drumming was an aerobic exercise, I'd be in great shape right now.

In other news, a small article from USA Today caught my eye, and I'm really surprised that no one pounced on it. Apparently, sometime last weekend, a group of British Royal Marines got lost on their way to a training exercise and accidentally stormed a beach in Spain rather than their intended target of a small British island. I fully expected to see this publicized on "The Daily Show," but I guess they didn't see it.

I'm finding it hard to terrorize the nation when I'm driving a Honda Civic. Somehow it just doesn't inspire terror in others. Maybe if I got myself a Plymouth Horizon instead...?