Olympics, to you I say, "Bah humbug." Okay, so I don't like the Olympics. Hours upon hours of watching the dullest stuff imaginable. (And from what I've heard, what's aired so far is just this shy of being more interesting than watching paint dry -- four hours of a processional?) People doing laps back and forth in a pool... and this is supposed to be riveting? Synchronized swimming? Pole vaulting? I heard there was some guy who was walking on a cube during the opening ceremonies, and the commentators said he'd been practicing for a year to be able to do it. Quite frankly, what kind of marketable skill is this? "Well, Frank, we'd really love to hire you... quick learner, personable, and you can walk on a cube! Goddamn, we need a man like you in our company!" One of my friends told me that the Olympics are a way for Americans to be nationalistic without getting into issues like the war in Iraq. I can see that. Unfortunately, our teams seem to be sucking at this point, so by the end of the Olympics, we may only be able to rub it in Bulgaria's face that we kicked their asses. I would definitely watch some Olympic events if they were entertaining. Like these, for example: 1. Lion-taming. We throw some poor schmuck in a cage with an untamed lion. The gold medal goes to the guy who is either able to successfully tame the lion in the shortest amount of time or lasts the longest before getting eaten wins the gold. 2. Century Club drinking. Usual drinking rules apply: 1 shot per minute for 100 minutes. Last guy to boot gets the gold. 2a. Beer chugging. The fastest person to down a pitcher without booting wins the gold. 3. Two words: Human bowling. 4. Oral sex. Hey, you have to admit that it takes a lot of skill to do it correctly. You can even have different divisions: women on men, men on men, men on women, women on women. First team to orgasm gets the gold. And I guarantee you the TV ratings for that event would be through the roof. 5. Packing a suitcase. A couple has to get enough of their clothes for a one-week vacation into a single suitcase, and it has to close. The tension between the men and the women would be intense. First team to have a completely packed and close-able suitcase without killing each other gets the gold. 6. Quite frankly, who doesn't appreciate a good belching contest? "And now, sponsored by Heineken..." 7. Potato-gun assembly. Each team is given the raw materials. The first team to build and successfully fire a potato wins the gold. Cheating by firing your potato at other teams and nailing your opponents counts for extra points. (Just to make things interesting.) Any other suggestions?