And now, another in the series of my personal edition of "What I've Learned" à la Esquire magazine.

- Homer Simpson may be the most brilliant man on the face of the earth.
- Jews know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. While you're all in church and unwrapping your presents on Christmas Day, we're chowing down on lo mein and catching a matinée.
- The problem isn't people going too fast on the highways, it's people going too slow. Most of us who drive 80 on the highway know what we're doing and we're safe drivers. It's the losers who are in the left lane and doing 1 mile over the speed limit who are slowing everyone down. If we were allowed to speed reasonably, rush hour might go a little more smoothly.
- Paranoia and egocentrism is a bad combination. It means I think you're probably talking about me. And if you're not, you should be.
- PETA is usually off chasing the wrong problem. It makes it even easier to make fun of them.
- Things are funnier when you give them titles using capital letters. Like the most annoying person in the world just looks better as the Most Annoying Person in the World.
- White chocolate is not real chocolate.
- I hate those damn cell phone commercials because every time a phone rings on TV, I go running for mine because I think someone's calling me.
- There's just something inherently wrong about turducken.
- Orlando Jones is an underrated actor, and the best TV shows always get cancelled too early.
- Nick Hornby was right. You always have to punch your weight, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.
- A good sense of humor is essential. Being around people who have a similar sense of humor as you and who can crack you up can get you out of any funk, no matter how deep it is.
- There is wisdom in song lyrics.
- No matter what any Boston Red Sox fan tells you, this year isn't the year.