Instead of watching the MTV Video Music Awards last night, I told a friend of mine I'd catch the highlights later on. I really just couldn't take it. So let's recap all the wonderful and magical things that took place in New York, shall we?

- Eminem flipped off Moby and had to be held back from trying to administer an ass-kicking.
- Pink got up on stage to do her hit single "Get the Party Started" and announced in front of an in-building audience of thousands and a worldwide TV audience of millions that she was too drunk to do the song.
- Untalented teen pop skater sensation Avril Lavigne wore men's Hanes underwear that stuck out on top of the camouflage pants she was wearing. We didn't notice because she was too busy trying to bite the head off her moonman award and kung-fu kick the crowd as photo ops. (By the way, did I mention that despite the fact that she insists she wrote all her songs, I met some guys who wrote songs with the guys who wrote stuff for her?)
- Puff Da... er, P. Diddy (or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days) proved that he doesn't have a single creative bone, muscle or tissue in his body. It's like the man was put on Earth to rip off other people's work.
- Christina Aguilera proved that it was possible to wear even less in public than that infamous dress Jennifer Lopez wore a few years ago to some awards show that I can't even remember which one it is.
- And, of course, the shining moment when Michael Jackson accepted an award for Artist of the Millennium that he wasn't even given. Uhh, Mike? Look here. The woman presenting you the award... she's white, and she's darker-skinned than you are. This whole deal of you claiming you're being oppressed because you're a black man? It's a little hard to believe when you're whiter than chalk. Time to make a quick exit and fade into obscurity.

And you wonder why I watched a movie instead... This isn't MTV, this is the damned Music Drama/Diva Awards.