Four years of my life and $120,000 were poured into a highly accredited university to give me an excellent education and mold me into an intelligent and mature individual, and I'm still up until 2am just so I can watch the "Wheel of Fish" scene in UHF on cable. UHF, of course, is the tour de force written by and starring Weird Al Yankovic and features such intelligent dialogue as "For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly!" and "Ohhhh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a lucky, lucky boy... because you get to drink from -- THE FIREHOSE!" Yeah, I'm allegedly smart. Allegedly. And even though every day is just another battle to make sure my moments of brilliance outnumber my moments of stupidity, it's hard to win that battle when crap like this still makes me laugh until I can barely breathe.