No, not this roommate. This roommate is actually cool as far as roommates go, despite his performance over the last few days. And I'm not even sure if that would qualify as "being a bad roommate," it's probably just me and my recently-developed short fuse.

The roommates that we lived with at our last apartment definitely are among the worst people that I could've lived with. The sad thing is that I lived with them for 2 years in college as well and yet I still moved in with them post-graduation. The tales that follow are true.

1. One afternoon, I came home from work and noticed an odd smell in the apartment. I sniffed it out until it led me to the kitchen. Seems that one of the two Moron Twins (the other two guys we lived with) had boiled water on the stove to make instant coffee that morning, then the flame on the gas jet had been burned out while the gas was still on. The apartment had slowly been filling with gas all day. Thankfully, since the Moron Twins also smoked, I was the first one home and shut off the gas while airing out the apartment, so the whole place didn't blow up like a Ford Pinto.

2. The Moron Twins never did their dishes, and often left dirty dishes, pots and pans filling the sink and then all over the counter. One day, while I was in the kitchen, I noticed fruit flies flying around the dirty dishes and commented on how they really ought to do their dishes because they were attracting insects. The response from them was (and I didn't have the patience to make this up): "No, it's not the dishes... it's the sugar jar." Mind you, the sugar jar was sitting 2 feet away from the dishes over which the flies were hovering and was also tightly sealed. When I said as such, they kept insisting that it wasn't the dishes. To this day, I still doubt that fruit flies have the strength to lift up the metal clasp sealing the container shut, or that they'd suddenly developed the ability to eat through rubber.

3. They never cleaned and never picked up after themselves, plus they often used dishes as ashtrays. There were always empty food wrappers and bags and pizza boxes always strewn across the apartment because they never cooked, they always ordered in and just left their garbage around. In a moment I'd rather forget, I once took a glass out of the cupboard, filled it with pink grapefruit juice and drained half of it before I noticed the rather large blob of ashes stuck to the bottom of the glass that they hadn't cleaned out. Suffice to say that after seeing it, my stomach wasn't churning due to the sudden addition of the citrus acid in the pink grapefruit juice to my digestive system.

4. They used the living room as storage space, so there were always boxes piled up in the corners and behind the couch. One of them was an aspiring moviemaker (one of his proudest accomplishments was called "Cheesewagon Rangers to the Stars II") who accidentally burned down an empty factory building in Maine during a "shoot" and filled two closets with all of his "props." When I asked him if he needed all of it so that I might be able to use some of the apartment's limited closet space, he said "actually, no, I only need about 5 percent of it, but I'm not quite sure which 5 percent so I have to keep it all."

5. The roommate who lived in the bedroom next to mine started dating a rather annoying girl about 9 months before our lease was up. They enjoyed having screaming-loud sex at 3AM, then playing the cartoon "Cow & Chicken" at high volume at 6AM. Odd things occurred, like her leaving the room as soon as I walked in, then getting lectured by my roommate as to how rude I was being towards his girlfriend. One night after an argument about the rent money, I came home to find a condom wrapped around my doorknob. I apparently wasn't practicing safe door-opening.

6. I took over rent-paying responsibilities after the Moron Twins had both handled it at some point, since both of them had bounced the rent check to our building management company enough times that management told us we had to pay using certified bank checks. Even while I was paying the rent, they both wrote me checks at some point that bounced in my account. This coming from guys who went out shopping every weekend for clothes that they could wear out to go bar-hopping and then buy marijuana, who were both making twice as much as I was at some point, yet kept complaining they didn't have money.

So the next time I start complaining about my current roommate, please administer a swift boot to my head, eh? Much obliged.