So, as I was filling my gas tank tonight and cleaning my windshield, I noticed the fine yellow powder covering my car.  I’m not getting sick—spring is here, and my allergies are in full bloom.  Hooray!

Well, Pisser sent me these here five questions for this meme that I’m s’posed to answer.  And then you folks comment on how witty yet asinine I am, and then you leave your requests in the comments to have me send you five questions if you want to participate.  That is, if anyone’s reading this drivel.  And now, on with the countdown.

Questions:
1. What are your favorite songs by joke bands? That is, your favorite funny songs? Ha-ha funny, not just funny-sounding.

2. Is Tucson the hell I’ve heard it rumored to be or is it a cool place to live? Would you retire there or somewhere else? Not that you’re old or anything.

3. If you could play Switcheroo, that is, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (or, if you prefer, Freaky Friday - the Jodie Foster version, NOT! the Lindsay Lohan one, thank you very much) with someone else’s person for a day, who would you pick and why?

4. Have you ever fallen for someone who reminded you of your mother?

5. Why, from the male perspective, is it so hard to find a partner in L.A.?

Answers:

1. What are your favorite songs by joke bands? That is, your favorite funny songs? Ha-ha funny, not just funny-sounding.

I have a big soft spot for “Happy Boy” by The Beat Farmers (hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba), and I also like “Wienerschnitzel” by The Descendants.  The latter was nicely featured in Pump Up the Volume, for all you little Christian Slater freaks out there.

“Would you like fries with that?  NO!”

2. Is Tucson the hell I’ve heard it rumored to be or is it a cool place to live? Would you retire there or somewhere else? Not that you’re old or anything.

Umm.  There are parts of Tucson that are really nice, and there are parts of Tucson that are really ghetto.  Apparently, drunk driving is a big problem there—every time I venture out onto the roads of Tucson, I see the aftermath of an accident.  And the weather?  Forget it.  They literally have monsoons where the skies will open and it will pour—there’s a stupid motorist law in effect where if you drive into a dip in the road that’s overrun with water and your car gets stuck, you have to pay to get your car out.  Plus, the summer is just GHASTLY—it may be a dry heat, but it’s still 120 fucking degrees!  It’s like sticking your head in an oven, but it’s still a dry heat!  And as much as I bash the bar scene in Los Angeles due to its pretentiousness, I appreciate the fact that you can’t smoke indoors in L.A.—I went to a bar with a friend in Tucson and must’ve breathed in a pack of cigarettes without smoking a single one myself.

On the other hand, Tucson can be a really nice place.  They have the U of A right there, so there’s a lot it can offer, like classes and shows and stuff.  Plus, it’s not completely overrun with cityscapes and spread way the hell out like Los Angeles, and there’s not so much light pouring out of the city that when I arrive in Tucson at night, I can see soooooo many stars.  And while I’ve yet to see any wildlife whatsoever within 100 miles of L.A., I regularly see deer, coyotes, roadrunners, hawks, chipmunks and rabbits running free in the Tucson area.

3. If you could play Switcheroo, that is, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (or, if you prefer, Freaky Friday - the Jodie Foster version, NOT! the Lindsay Lohan one, thank you very much) with someone else’s person for a day, who would you pick and why?

Hmm… surprisingly enough, now that you’ve brought up her name, I think I might actually pick Lindsay Lohan.  It might be interesting to see what life is like for someone who’s so well-recognized and so rich and popular that she can get pretty much whatever she wants whenever she wants it.  Plus, I’ve always wondered what it’s like to be a woman—even though I’m QUITE happy being a man, thankyouverymuch.  There’s no way in hell I’m sitting down to pee in a public restroom.

4. Have you ever fallen for someone who reminded you of your mother?

Antistereotypically for a Jewish guy, no.  And I don’t see the appeal of Asian women either, which seems to be another way I go against the grain of being a Jewish guy, since it seems almost a genetic thing.  Almost all my male Jewish friends (and my father) find Asian women incredibly attractive.  I do not.

While I do look for people who have personality attributes that my mom has, they are also personality attributes that I have and that my friends mostly have as well, since I like to surround myself with people who I get along with.  I tend to fall for women who have that evil gleam in their eye and appreciate fun and merriment as much as I do, yet have a brain in their heads that actually works.  While my mom could fit that general description, I’m sure there’s tons of other women who could as well. 

5. Why, from the male perspective, is it so hard to find a partner in L.A.?

Because most women here are so shallow.  Everyone’s so concerned with image and what people can do for them.  I don’t drive an Escalade, I don’t own a big house in the Hollywood Hills, I don’t make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, and I don’t look like Brad Pitt.  I might as well be The Invisible Man here, especially since there are a number of guys here who do embody all those characteristics, and I’m up against them in the battle for women’s affections—who do you think is going to win at first impression?