It's a Hallmark conspiracy, I'm telling you. And the thing is, there's people who actually will go out and buy greeting cards and little plush toys and decorative pens for all of these holidays that someone out there is just making up. I mean, really. Some guy is sitting at a desk somewhere in Pacoima, bored out of his mind at his job, coming up with all these crazy days to celebrate things like "National Belly Button Lint Day," then he puts them up on his website, Hallmark and all those other companies who make "occasion" calendars snatch them up and market it to the rest of us. And if any of you out there actually buy any kind of celebratory present or something to mark any of these occasions, you deserve to be wasting your money.

From the files of the Radio Advertising Bureau, these are actual days/weeks/months of note taking place during the first quarter of 2003. Don't, don't celebrate any of these or I will be forced to hit you with a stick and tell you, "NO" in a firm voice.

January
National Oatmeal Month
Jan. 6-12: Someday We'll Laugh About This Week (why, is this the duly designated pub crawl week when we all get collectively drunk off our asses and sleep with lots of people we wish we hadn't?)
Jan. 13-18: National Man Watchers Week (I am not watching any men. How come there's no National Women Watchers Week?)
Jan. 27: National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
Jan. 27: Thomas Crapper Day (he's the guy who supposedly invented the toilet, remember?)

February
National Sign Up For Summer Camp Month
Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month
Feb. 4: National Dump Your Significant Jerk Day (unobserved by 99% of the female population who will continue to complain to their Platonic Male Friends about how awful their boyfriends are and how come they never meet and date any nice guys?...)
Feb. 7: Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day (nah, I think I'll just wave one of them at my neighbors...)
Feb. 8: Laugh and Grow Rich Day (laughing makes you get rich? Who knew? Where are my millions?)
Feb. 12: Lost Penny Day
Feb. 15: National I Want Butterscotch Day (the Carvel man is behind this one, I know it)

March
National Lawnmower Tuneup Month
National On-Hold Month (this is just an attempt by customer service departments to get away with putting us all on hold for half an hour at a time without allowing us to get mad)
National Umbrella Month
March 3: I Want to Be Happy Day
March 16-22: National Spring Fever Week
March 17: Act Happy Day
March 20: Great American Meat-Out (I don't even want to know what the people who came up with this one expect us to do to celebrate this)
March 22: International Goof-Off Day (apparently, someone didn't get the memo saying every day is International Goof-Off Day)
March 31-April 6: National Sleep Awareness Week (yeah, I think everyone on this planet is aware that they sleep. Otherwise, they think they're all actors and star in their own David Lynch films every night when they close their eyes)

Remember: Me. Stick. "NO."